Diary of a Diet

Puritans are cranky about alcohol

2009-01-20T16:58:00.003+11:00

So I'm not entirely sure what the problem is but there's been an enormous tax hike on pre-mix drinks - as if drinks weren't expensive enough as it is in Australia! It's often over $100 for a bottle of champagne so you only end up ordering something you can afford and getting trashed instead of sozzled. I at least try to stick to good quality vodka but sometimes you feel like wine and you really pay for it with either your cash or your health!!!

Anyway I digress.

Smirnoff are a bunch of smart-asses so they just made a citrusy flavoured pre-mix out of purified beer and didn't call it vodka even though their brand name basically implies that it is.

Now the puritans are in a flap about how dare they exploit a loophole in the definition of fun to get everyone drunk at a reasonable price again. Teenagers won't know it's alcoholic and will binge drink!! Won't SOMEBODY think of the children!

Honestly this puritan vs hedonism attitude is most of the reason I ended up with ED. Maybe we should all just learn to enjoy ourselves a little bit instead of holding ourselves to unrealistic standards and then going out binge drinking because it's impossible to be healthy!

And maybe I should just eat what I want when I'm comfortable rather than caring what anyone else thinks of me.

I don't want to go out for dinner with friends

2009-01-20T16:19:00.001+11:00

I've eaten enough for today. Too much even! And I've got work to do.

I like the person whose birthday it is but I don't really want to have pizza. Besides the only food they serve is salad so it's not as if I'd be joining in anyway. I'd just be feeling guilty about not working.

So I'd stuff myself to try and cover my discomfort.

I think I'd rather just stay home and go to the gym for a bit and then work or maybe try and catch up with my music teacher. I think I'd like that much better.

19 January diary

2009-01-20T08:33:00.003+11:00

07:00	2pcs marinated tofu (satay)	I was trying to eat a good breakfast (plenty of protein) so that I wouldn't get hungry. I didn't want to get hungry!!! What if I accidentally have a greedy attack? What if I have so many greedy moments that I start to get fat and everyone can see???
	1/2 serve miso
	1/2 serve tea
	few tbs dried blueberries and a couple nuts
12:00	Muesli bar	Low cal. About 136. That's all I could think - and how glad that I wasn't super hungry!
Office snacks	Tea	With mint. It's healthier than coffee and all I need in the mornings
	Water with lemon & ginger	I try to drink a whole jug
	Sugarfree mints and chewing gum	It's supposed to be stimulant and appetite suppressant although it depends on what's causing the appetite
14:00	Black coffee	In a meeting - and it made me energetic! I want so much more now!!! Cocaine, speed, I don't care, I just want to buzzzzzzz!!
15:00	"Binge" motivation (not extreme quantities but extreme thoughts)	During this period I felt almost a sense of panic. I could tell that my eating was controlling me but I was unable to fight. I bought a lot more food than I have nominated here (it's in my drawer) and I was like a prisoner who is starved all week but has a weekly hour in a room with a buffet - which can't be taken back to the cell. It was as if my body thought it was now or never! I do feel like I am a prisoner of my feelings.
	1 pkt black sesame rice crackers (250 cals)
	1 pkt mung bean chips (200 cals)
	Some nibbles of a trail mix including gourmet ingredients like chocolate buttons and cranberry raisins
16:00	Organic coffee with a splash of malt-free soy	Because I hate waiting for the afternoon to finish so I can go home! I just want to power through that last bit!
16:00	Some fruit and nuts	Because I just can't stop myself! Yuck!!! How do I focus on the things I'm doing????
18:00	1 cold roll	Because I already had enough, but needed to get J fed and quiet.
18:00	Nibbles from laksa
20:00	A shot of vodka in mineral water	Just something to make the process of responding to selection criteria a bit enjoyable and relaxing.
20:00	Some fruit and nuts

"Health and safety" requirements to address big enough chairs for fatties

2009-01-20T08:19:00.002+11:00

You can tell I didn't make this up because it's just so unbelievably pathetic.

The OH&S drones who insist on accommodating the least deserving are now turning their attention to the width of chairs in offices.

They obviously don't actually care about the health and safety of the workers in question otherwise why encourage them to be fat lazy slugs with butts that don't fit on people chairs? Why not just use the Japanese method of morning PT?

Well, I've had enough of this. I'm going to pump up my Swiss ball so I can get a decent core workout instead of slumping into my chair. Did you know that office chairs are required to have backs for lounging in? Using a Swiss ball full-time is a violation of OH&S because you might actually get some exercise and there's an according risk of injury. The company is now selling frames to put your ball in so you can mimic exercise without actually risking any real challenge to your body.

Luckily my boss knows if I accidentally get some exercise I won't sue - I'll just suck it up and take a rest day on my lounge chair if necessary.

Weekend: Stressful and difficult

2009-01-19T16:44:00.000+11:00

In Thursday's session A asked me a lot of questions about binging and the thoughts, feelings and emotions I experience when it comes to food and body.

This has actually inhibited me from blogging until now because the simple fact is that I don't know what those are.

One important thing about binges that she told me is they are much more likely if the body is starving from failure to have proper breakfast. So I've been focusing on that and it has helped.

Also when I'm dieting, because I have so many rules about what I'll eat, when and how much, eating a single celery stick out of expectations (typically something like "I've eaten too much now I won't have anything until J is ready for dinner") then it's like when an alcoholic has just one drink and it's very hard to stop!!!

So that's why I have to explore that feeling and stabilise the eating I do. So I'm not like some horrible food junkie all the time, up down, starving, vomiting and so on.

Dear ED. Get out and leave me in peace!!! From W

Setting priorities

2009-01-14T13:29:00.000+11:00

...because basically every decision about what action to take expresses a priority. A very disturbed person I used to know would often remark that he could have whatever he wanted because he knew his priorities were messed up. On some level though, and allowing for statistical and even Heizenberg uncertainty, each of us typically gets what we want because each of us makes thousands of decisions each day selecting from our available options according to our priorities. Sometimes these decisions don't work out but overwhelmingly, situations and people can be influenced toward a particular outcome.

So when making a decision it's important to be aware of your priorities and the likely outcomes of your actions.

My final thought for you is this: If you're not directing your future towards a positive outcome, who is? Because chances are that you'll start living the life that it benefits those people for you to live.

Choose success!

Diary for 14 December: Just plain tired

2009-01-14T07:19:00.004+11:00

7:15 am | 59 kg | BMI 18.0

Today I got up in time to walk to work and be reasonably early!

For breakfast I had a grapefruit, a similar quantity of pineapple and about half as much watermelon. Plus a walnut.

Today I just want to drink coffee. That means a stop by the supermarket to get some fresh milk I think. But coffee is unhealthy blah blah blah. I don't know, I'll figure it out on the way.

9:20 am

Oh my goodness! I'm facing such a big binge urge today! I'm on my third coffee (the first was espresso, the second 2 are with malt-free soy milk at less than 50 cals per 100mL)

11:51 am

So tired!!! I had a ginkgo in the last meeting as I've had enough coffee. After that last coffee I also had 2 mints.

I'm feeling really bad about food today. I feel like I'm just going to have a blow-out day and lose control.

Tired and motivated: Diary for 13 January

2009-01-13T06:54:00.008+11:00

7:00 am | 59 kg | BMI 18.0

My porridge is cooling. My tea is licorice and aniseed (already cooled). I'm about to do some sit-ups and push-ups before breakfast and I don't know what other exercise, maybe some skipping rope!

I'm starting to be free of all the weight that has been dragging me down - shortly I'll reach a maintenance phase where I can start focusing on building my shape more carefully.

It's looking like a pretty day, I may even be able to walk to work if I skip the skipping rope and get my hurry on!

10:15 am

This morning has gone soooo badly so far!!

I've had everything go wrong including fights, lost keys and a ladder in my stockings when I finally was nearly here!

I bought some cammomile tea to help relax however it's on to the strong stuff now!

I was SOOO hungry a few minutes ago! I've had a piece of licorice and I've brought my leftover fruity porridge (with apple, banana, nuts and seeds) and I could just - I don't know what actually. I don't want to eat, I just want some energy and my tummy to not hurt! It's settling down from the licorice anyway. I'll have some green tea now.

11:00 am

I've had a sugarfree mint. How many calories have I eaten this morning? 200? Half an apple, half a banana, a half cup of cooked rice... less than 30 cals in candy snacks. How many would I prefer to eat all day long? About 200 more and that's it.

I can't go on like this!! ARRRRRRHHHH!!!!

12:00 pm

I very strongly watered down the rest of my porridge and had it for lunch. Nom nom nom nom nom and the monster inside of me just wants MORE!

Why??

I don't know what to do! I'm stuck in this bulimia vs anorexia battle where I don't know whether eating more is the right thing or the wrong thing - so I'm just drinking some water mixed with a little grapefruit juice. I've filled up my jug!

This is NOT FUN at all. I'm surrounded by food anyway - but I don't know how much to eat. I'm thinking of holding off til midday and having a muesli bar. Or I can just have a rice crispbread or 2 now and something smaller later.

I was thinking about making roasted veggies for dinner - so if I was going to have a good meal tonight I really shouldn't overdo it during the day. Otherwise what's the point, right?

OK I'll open a muesli bar but I won't eat it all. I'll just take as much as I need and then throw out the rest if necessary (or put it away for later). It's 252 cals for the whole thing so I could have half without making too much of a dent on my daily count. I'm also making a nice big cup of green tea!

3:45 pm

I had about 2/3 of my muesli bar and I've had a few more mints. Like 2 or 3. My colleague even made me a coffee which I had with a "splash" of milk. Right now I'm running extremely low on energy and feeling rather faint! I've dealt with it by having a 19-cal crispbread. So that brings me up to about 850, I can't help but be aware!

All I want to do is go home to BED!!!

5:00 pm

I think I've almost made it through the afternoon!! I've still had another half a candy because the sugar keeps me from dropping out but from here on in, it's just go home, boil up some split peas and go to sleeeeeeeep. No more snacking risk!!

My clothes seem significantly looser.

Wrap-up

Went to my friend's place and splashed about in the pool for a while and cooked some split peas and veggies in what should have been a soup but the split peas were taking too long.

I had a serve that must have been around 400mL. Not sure, they were large bowls.

When we got home I was still really hungry so I served up a big bowl of fruit and shared it with J and then I had a little bowl of puffed buckwheat and a few nuts. I felt pretty icky and then J started talking again about how he doesn't want me to lose weight! Oh dear.

Easily distracted: therapy goals

2009-01-12T11:03:00.003+11:00

Today I'm a bit tired on account of all the staying up late once I started feeling healthier again. The only way I know to deal with getting tired is getting hyperactive on stimulants. That, or overeating.

Not an ideal situation.

I don't feel sleepy - I don't want to lie down. I just want to take something into my body that will counteract the tiredness I am experiencing.

Of course apart from really strong drugs that I wouldn't take... there's no such thing.

So here I am interpreting tiredness as hungriness just because I have an obsession. If I didn't have this obsession I would be able to push through the tiredness, make the most of what energy I have rather than dedicating it all to thoughts of food I don't want to distract me.

I'm basically willing the hours to tick by, watching the clock, celebrating each minute passed without eating anything.

This leaves very little time to enjoy my job or to do a good job of it!

I can't wait til I stop obsessing and just work through the morning to lunch time then work through the afternoon to home time and then relax when I get home!

Diary for 12 January 2009

2009-01-12T10:10:00.009+11:00

6:30 am | 60 kg | BMI 18.3

Breakfast was what amounted to a heaping bowl of quinoa with savoury yeast flakes and soy sauce for flavouring and a tiny handfull of currants.

I'll add that I didn't really enjoy it but you gotta eat what you gotta eat! I have to get my vitamins and protein into me somehow!

10:12 am

At the office. ARRRRHHH!!!

I've had 2 cups of green tea this morning: one with peppermint before I left the house and one with ginger in the office. I've also had 2 sugarfree mints. I drove to the office and I'm already off the calorie dial!!!

I want to have so much coffee and speed that I don't have to think all day!

Hey actually I think I have red bull in the fridge. Well it's an option for later if I get totally stressed out!

11:00 am

Oh dear, it's going to be one of those days! Here I am exhausted and all that and I can't help thinking about what I'm going to put into my body. I can't just be strong on my own and ride it out.

Well, that's what I intend to do! I'm strong and I don't have to obsess about food if I don't want to!

I'm having a coffee with some milk I conveniently left in the fridge last week. Still good! I'm not supposed to be counting calories but quinoa is fattening! I'm already up to 500!!!

1:00 pm

I had my lunch basically right on 12 o'clock: A grapefruit, 3 prunes, 2 of my 19-calorie rice crackers and a nice cup of green chai. I'm about to have another cup of tea - this is yummy!

Finally I'm feeling a lot less hungry than I was a while back!!

2:00 pm

I'm having another cup of tea and a piece of licorice. The licorice is less calories than if I had milk in coffee: I think it's 17 cals a piece. A little sugar buzz to get me through the next couple of hours!

5:30 pm

I had a second piece of licorice at about 4 o'clock and plenty of tea for the rest of the afternoon. I'm exhausted from all today's work now!! Just got to go a bit past 5:30 or so and then I can go have some fun!!!

12:30 am

Final update for the day! We had dinner at about 7. I made a green salad dressed with lemon juice and carefully picked out the lettuce, cucumber, snow-pea, a few pieces of carrot and plenty of celery! I just wasn't hungry... We shared a bowl so I can't be sure but I think I ate about 2 cups max. Of course that meant J ate all the avocado (I barely tasted it, just a smear of it was on one of my leaves) but I only chopped half a one so I'm sure he'll be OK.

At around 9 we had Greek coffee and shared a plate of fruit. I had about 6 grapes, some watermelon and a few pieces of grapefruit.

Later on, maybe 10 or 11 I did start to get hungry so I had a stalk of celery. No problems!

The only problem was not exercising but I'm actually still sore from yesterday's walk and Saturday's dance and very tired, so maybe that's just as well!

Artist captures the anorexic ideal

2009-01-11T08:00:00.002+11:00

Artist Ivonne Thien, in an attempt to mock the thin ideal and pro-ana has accidentally created a collection of images that pro-ana is calling beautiful and the art world is calling confronting and grotesque and stuff. The collection, Thirty-two Kilos, can be previewed on Ivonne's website however anyone in Washington should go see it - and I'd encourage (beg) Ivonne to bring her work to the National Gallery of Australia!!! My preview image came from the Washington Post article offering much more analysis than I can cover. But I wanted to add this:

I'm ashamed to admit that these pictures basically represent the ideal I would wish to achieve.

Unlike some other pro-ana art there are few indications that the models are unwell - no hideously protruding body parts, no weird curves or strange angles. The bodies are curled up and stretched out into all sorts of interesting poses without any protruding "excess" - it's pure beauty, with all the humanity sucked out! The digitally enhanced women are so loooong and caught in the moment they look so graceful...

I would be fascinated to see the raw, unaltered images. This would truly be a statement on fashion and the thin ideal!

Fit and healthy: Diary for 11 January

2009-01-11T07:22:00.007+11:00

7:20 am | 59.5 kg | BMI 18.2

I'm assuming that this morning's weight loss is either dehydration or flushing out water retention. I don't see how I would have lost anything.

This morning I'm feeling a bit stiff across the shoulders, maybe from doing some weights yesterday.

I'm starting the day with plenty of water and just doing some gentle exercise to stretch and warm up.

7:50 am

By now I've finished a healthy breakfast: Some soy yoghurt (about 125 g) with some nuts and seeds sprinkled over the top. (About 2-3 tbsp - one brazil nut, 3 almonds, a walnut, some flax seeds)

The whole thing's about 250 Cals. Unusually high concentration for my breakfast but it's good to mix it up and have something different. Not sure what we're doing for dinner tonight so it could be wise to go easy at lunch time.

2:30 pm Update

On my walk, say at about 11:00, I had an espresso and added a serve of raw sugar. Nom nom nom! My sweet-tooth was happy!

When I got home at around 1 o'clock I was absolutely exhausted!!! Including the coffee and some shopping (I'm sewing a fabric I bought right now) I made up some lunch: tofu pieces in lemon juice with tahini and nutritional yeast flakes. High in protein, iron, calcium and B vitamins. Right now I'm thinking about eating some of the leftovers but instead I'm having a cup of tea (ginger, orange rind, lemon pieces and goji) and I'll be making some blueberry milkshakes later.

Update 12:11 am

I've a few more food items to report from this afternoon.

At 4 o'clock I made us some blueberry smoothies with almonds, a little flax and a spoon of date spread to sweeten it up. Very yummy but way too filling! I drank it all but felt very icky for a while.

At 7:30 I was quite tired after a brief shopping expedition and visit to a friend to borrow some videos... so I put together a very basic stir-fry vegetables using the leftover tofu and some sweet potato and other veggies. I was rather hungry so I drank about 4 big glasses of water with it.

I had some nibbles from the fruit platter I put together for dessert too.

Nitey nite!!!

Fat, exhausted but satisfied. I've had a really good day and it had almost nothing to do with food! I did some really wonderful sewing, I have a brand new scarf to wear to work tomorrow and I got through some difficult conversations with J.

Therapy goals: 11 January 2009

2009-01-11T06:43:00.003+11:00

A couple of days ago Spider said:

I wonder if, as the self-loathing diminishes, exercise and work and weight control will become easier and more natural.

Hmm, me too!

Imagine if, last night for example, my drinking were moderated by a simple desire to take care of myself and an understanding that getting trashed would not make me happy... rather than an obsessive paranoia about calories and fear of hangovers and depressed immune system.

I would have shown up to the party, feeling a bit sick because I have been lately. Then I would have had my coffee (for the energy to get over my head cold) and a few glasses of water because it was a hot day. At some point a glass of wine would have been social but with my new confidence I wouldn't need alcohol to feel like I was fitting in and bonding with the other girls! I could simply talk and join in the fun and games!

I could have had a second nice big glass of cranberry juice instead or a glass of orange juice - much healthier and very yummy!

My therapist has me writing down everything I eat - I just did it in my phone last night and emailed it in when I got home. Instead of going to my phone once an hour or so, I could have simply put it down and got caught up in conversation - since obviously I wouldn't be worried about food, and instead would be enjoying my friends' company!

I'd still be the same Widget singing and dancing and playing with the Playstation and Wii.

I'd still be the same Widget talking to the girls, talking to the boys and cuddling J when I got a bit sleepy towards the end of the night.

I wouldn't be self-conscious about that - everyone thinks I'm gorgeous with my cute little ways!

At dinner time I would have just filled up my small plate and eaten some veggies. Yeah, they're barbecued in oil but it's just a small plate. (Instead of trying to eat less and then feeling guilty about going back for seconds!)

Arriving home, instead of watching cartoons I was thinking about doing some meditating or reading some religious texts before bed. Actually I'll probably do that now, I'm up pretty early!

So that's how I'd be if I was cured. Eating about the same calories, but for different reasons. And more importantly, spending them where I'd want to instead of being too timid to be a bit different!

This morning I'm planning an exercise walk followed by some cleaning before Monday morning.

I guess healthy Widget would be spending this time working on her other, neglected writing efforts, while making a healthy breakfast. She'd warm up well, do her exercise then have something else to eat afterwards. (I'm thinking about a lovely creamy cappuccino!)

There's time to hang out the towels I washed yesterday and put on another load of washing (it shouldn't wake up J, he's a pretty determined sleeper!) and then just some sit-ups before the walk because I am working on my strength!

Same activities but in this scenario I'm confidently aiming for what I want rather than running from what I don't want.

J's party

2009-01-11T00:39:00.000+11:00

We arrived at 4:20.

At 4:40 I realised that I was getting a bit worn down and had a handfull of grapes.

At 5:30 J got me a big glass of cranberry juice with plenty of ice. I'm pretty headachey so I'm happy to stay hungry and vague but it makes it hard to join in the conversation.

With my juice I'm also having a few more grapes and my friend is also making me a coffee cos I seem to need the energy. I suppose.

At 6:30 shooters started getting handed around. I had something coconutty on top and maybe raspberry underneath.

At 7:30 I've abandoned the other half of my juice, it's too sweet!!! I've just had 2 more grapes though.

I feel like such a nerd tracking all my food. I think our host is about to put together apple martinis. Mmmm... But so much superfluous sugar!! He's diabetic so he's even more of a sweet-tooth than I am!

Oh, ok. It's shooters of frangelico and chambord.

At 8 o'clock the next drinks are sugary too. I had a few tastes of the shooter and chaser and just gave it to J. Too much sugar!!!

By 9 o'clock I've had what has to be my last drink: frangelico. I mixed the other half with my second espresso. Because it's the healthy way to stay awake, energetic and dancing!

At 9:50 dinner's done! 2 small plates of barbecue: 2 tofus, an eggplant slice, 2 sweet potato slices and 2 zucchini slices then about a cup of grapes for dessert. I'm such a fat whale!!!!!!

At 10 o'clock I give in and have half a glass or whatever of absolut raspberry.

At 11 o'clock I'm peckish again but realise I must have had about 1500 cals or more just at the party. So I'm just pushing through it, dancing and thinking about staying sober enough to have a good time, and eating little enough to stay slim. I'm even thinking about a midnight jog although I know it's not going to happen! I'm trying to line up a morning walk though. My friend is spinning the vinyl, the grooves are mellow and I don't need to eat!!!

11:30 - we're such nerds, we're playing Wii Fit! My random BMI was 18.47 and my balance was atrocious. It said my Wii Fit age is 36!!! Most of the others are bummed because their Mii suddenly became really cute and chubby!!!

I blame alcohol for all negative readings. ;)

We've realised this is awesome and we really want one!!

I've also lined up a 9 o'clock walking date.

Midnight. Time for sleepybies!!

I love jogging!

2009-01-10T14:08:00.000+11:00

Mmmmm fitness. It gives me that warm feeling inside to know that I have the capacity to run away from dangerous things!!

Today I ran 2km at 6.4 km/h with an incline of 0.5. For American readers, a mile is about 1.6km so I did 1.25 miles.

And I really enjoyed it! Even though it was just on the treadmill and no uphill, it was still really fun and amazingly easy. Most exercise bores me after the first 5 minutes but I was on the treadmill for nearly 20 and look forward to more next time when I'm feeling even healthier.

For some great tips on running technique check out running.about.com. I always found running really intimidating but it turns out even someone with my mediocre fitness can get through a small jog!

Party party party party: Diary for 10 January

2009-01-10T13:27:00.000+11:00

12:25 pm | 60 kg

What a long sleep! I kept dreaming things and going back to sleep anyway.

I'm feeling thin but tentatively so. I'm having some rice porridge with red lentils and fruit. It's warm and goes down well after the ginger and lime tea but it isn't very filling.

Nevertheless I feel much bigger after eating it!

Today we're having a social get-together I don't think I'm fit enough to handle. For starters it's a barbecue and natural light really hurts!

Before we go I want to do some cardio in the gym. If I can handle that then I can handle a barbecue!

But I probably shouldn't drink or eat too much. I'll only make myself worse.

Therapy goals

2009-01-09T10:39:00.001+11:00

Yesterday I went to therapy in the morning and to the GP in the afternoon. The GP says I have a virus so I'm taking ginger tea and looking forward to getting better! When I'm feeling better I can do some more exercise, start to get in shape again.
Right now I'm watching star trek and my headache is getting better thank goodness!

My therapy goal for the next few weeks is to keep a stable weight. I seem to have hit a plateau so that shouldn't be too hard.

My homework for the week is to think about what my life would be like if I were not always thinking about food. I can't imagine for the life of me why it would be a good thing! All I know for sure is that it takes a conscious effort to stop from getting enormous! I'd like that to be a natural and easy process. I think I can bring myself to write about that.

I'd also like exercise and work to be far less difficult. To be able to focus on the moment instead of being distracted by self-doubt and self-loathing. That would be wonderful!

I'll think more about it over the next few days.

Feeling healthier: Diary resumes for 9 January 2009

2009-01-09T10:02:00.003+11:00

9:30 am | 61 kg

Breakfast time! I'm having a bowl of fruit and a bowl of miso. I'm still sick so I've made up some ginger tea to drink during the day.

Right now I'm feeling really fat and thinking about all the exercise I'm going to do when it doesn't hurt my head to jolt around. Canberra fun run, look out! I only hope it eats into fat instead of muscle tissue.

12:56 pm

For lunch I've just finished a bowl of rice and veggies flavoured with lemon, tamari and a little miso. Yum! I even went back for a few more bites of green veggies before I was able to control myself.

Cooking makes me peckish so I had 2 celery stalks while I was waiting for it to finish. Celery is delicious and I plan to chop some up for afternoon tea later on if I get hungry.

8:50 pm

For afternoon tea at 2:30 I had some celery sticks, a bowl of rice and veggies and a bowl of fruit. I also "tasted" while cooking some cupcakes that J of course hates.

For dinner I've just had some pie shared with J and then some fruit salad with strawberry yoghurt. I didn't really want it, I was just doing it for J. I also had some more "taste" of his cupcake and we had some veggie juice and celery while the pie was cooking.

Now I feel as fat as this food will make me!!! If I wasn't falling asleep from the virus I'd be in the gym or out drinking coffee and staying up all night ironing or something.

Second day home sick

2009-01-07T18:17:00.002+11:00

6:17 pm | 60 kg | BMI 18.3

My head is sore, my tummy is dizzy.

The foggy head I had the last few days before going back to work turned out to be some nasty bug that I've been at home fighting off because I'm too sick to really stare at a computer screen. Today even my muscles were shaking a bit so it must be some virus thingy.

I've been eating light food, generally liquid stuff - and keeping my fluids up anyway.

I'm feeling a bit too icky to eat much and I can't really remember exactly what my meals have been, just rice porridge and almond milk today and some salad for dinner last night (shared with J) and a nibble on the laksa he went out and got himself for supper around 8 o'clock.

Right now he's gone out to get us some take-away as I'm not really well enough to cook, even just left-over rice porridge. I'm craving tofu so he's getting me a soy chicken soup to fix what ails me!

I've spent the mornings sleeping and the afternoons just sort of sitting around. Yesterday I sewed a bag for J to put his dry cleaning in and today I've been reading Starship Troopers. And plenty of Star Trek of course!

I'm thinking about sewing a dress or something to motivate me to keep slim but right now I'm too sick to focus on sewing anything at all, even this cute calico handbag with pink lining I've been working on.

I think exercising might help my body get rid of the toxins more easily so I'll do some exercise when it cools off this evening. The BOM says not to expect a cool change until tomorrow but it's looking pretty grey and windy outside so I hope it cools off a bit overnight at least.

Um... so yeah that's about it. I'm trying not to think about J going out for food and instead just updating my diary, reading my book and making some soothing lemon tea!

Not thinking "thin" - just trying not to worry!

Tao Te Ching

2009-01-06T07:09:00.003+11:00

7:20 am | 60 kg | BMI 18.3

Those who wish to change the world
According with their desire
cannot succeed.

The world is shaped by the Way;
It cannot be shaped by the self.
Trying to change it, you damage it;
Trying to possess it, you lose it.

So some will lead, while others follow.
Some will be warm, others cold
Some will be strong, others weak.
Some will get where they are going
While others fall by the side of the road.

So the sage will be neither extravagant nor violent.

This is from Number 29 of Tao Te Ching. This morning I have been reading over these simple teachings and trying to find some sense of peace in this turbulent world.

I believe very strongly in the teachings of the Old Man. I find new truth in these teachings each time I read them. I wish there was some simple lesson that I could turn to during times of stress but there is not!

The Tao Te Ching reminds us that physical existence, strains and urges are merely illusory. Tao is the real truth of the Universe. It is as described in the ancient and most modern texts:

The Way that can be experienced is not true;
The world that can be constructed is not real.
The Way manifests all that happens and may happen;
The world represents all that exists and may exist.

So to seek strength is to seek failure - because it's not real! I will think about this today.

First day back at work: I want to go home!!!

2009-01-05T09:58:00.004+11:00

What a holiday! I had a beautiful Christmas day and anticipated just a week and a half off work. Instead I've been working nonstop!

Now I'm back at work again and absolutely wrecked!

J has already gone home sick and I want to follow him! Maybe I'll beg off early.

I started the day with a cup of miso and two bowls of rice porridge with 2 dried apricots. Then I had a cup of ginkgo to see me on my way.

When I got to the office my colleague had brought me dark chocolate. Thoughtful but um... no. So I chopped it up to share and put it out with some sugarfree mints.

Now I'm on my second coffee (served weaker than last year's and with just a splash of hazelnut flavoured rice milk) and I've filled the jug with my grapefruit juiced cold water.

Can I go home to bed now?

I'm not hungry but I've brought plenty of food and snacks and stuff for if I want it later. Actually I'm too tired to be hungry!

I did a little bit of skipping rope this morning as promised but it just made me feel really dizzy like I was detoxing or something - so goodness knows what I've done to myself over the break but obviously I need to eat much more organically rather than just diet coke and chewing gum!

2:41 pm

I had my lunch of 2 pieces of tofu in crackers as sandwiches. I think it was about 250 Cals plus of course coffee, some sweets and this morning's breakfast bringing me up to about 650.

I'm ready to go home and lie down now. When can it be the end of the day? Hey J I hope you're feeling better!

Update

Dinner: It came, I pretended to want it, I ended up bingeing because I didn't want to think about it, and I purged.

From now on I need to trust my instincts about food - including throwing it out if need be!

Vague, dopey, but getting over it

2009-01-05T01:21:00.000+11:00

All the rich, sweet and artificial food of the season certainly takes its toll. So do the interrupted sleep cycles and long afternoon naps that left us both feeling completely dopey the last few days.

For breakfast today I just had a little grapefruit and some other fruit. For lunch I had plenty of cereal and for dinner a nice big bowl of soup and plenty of salad.

I was feeling extremely dopey and slow all day like someone had fed me zombie powder or got me stoned! But I ate well and drank plenty of water and it's clearing up and J thinks I got plenty of housework done.

Work starts again tomorrow so I hope to start up my exercise again before and after work. I know I've been thinking about it all week but I've been feeling pretty bad about everything and it's been getting me down. And when I'm down it's hard to get the energy for anything.

Wish me luck tomorrow! I really don't know if I can handle it!!

Lunch

2009-01-03T13:54:00.000+11:00

Afraid I'm having a liquid lunch today. No food for me so I've had a champagne cocktail and there's a plain champagne on its way. Still too many calories tho! Even without food.

I'd better be careful for the rest of the day.

Still haven't done any real exercise, just a tiny bit of walking around town.

The best laid plans of mice... Diary update

2009-01-03T09:19:00.002+11:00

9:20 am

Yesterday did not go according to plan. After a lunch of celery, carrot and cucumber sticks (one rice bowl) and a few grapes I almost finished the ironing and then went to dinner with J and some friends from work.

I had 2 plates of salad (side plates, not much dressing) a little soup (it wasn't very good) and 2 glasses of red with an espresso and diet coke for dessert.

This morning I've had 2 bowls of cereal, some grapes and 1.5 chocolate sesame snaps.

I'm finishing up my breakfast with a half-sweet Greek coffee and getting ready to do a bit more cleaning and stuff.

Hmmm let's see if we can have a nice quiet day or if it all get carried away again.

Still tired but feeling stronger: Diary 2 January 2009

2009-01-02T08:31:00.003+11:00

8:30 am | 60 kg | BMI 18.3

I haven't been very precise about my eating habits lately. I think it's just that I'm trying not to think about the exact food I'm eating. It only seems to go down properly if I eat mindlessly!

I know my goal is to be aware of my eating so I'll try to improve.

My head is still sore and I'm still thirsty. Another big jug of water for me today!

I've a mountain of ironing to do and it's time to wash some clothes too.

Food is all prepared from yesterday so should be no problem.

2:00 pm

After writing the above I went back to sleep until about 12:30! Then when I woke up properly I had a huge bowl of miso soup with a little bit of last night's veggie soup mixed in and about a dozen grapes. Such a big breakfast!

My jobs for today:

Make sure the kitchen is clean and tidy (just a little extra washing on the dishes and stuff)
Make sure the clothes are ironed and put away
Get to the gym for another 1.6 km run at 6.4 km/h on incline 0.5 and a set of strength training.
This is the nice bit! When I've done all the above I'm going to treat myself with some sewing!!

I'm thinking I'll probably be making green curry for dinner (since Friday is traditionally our date night) but I'm serving it with salad so it's half a plate of salad, a bowl of rice and just a little curry. I think J will like that!

Yaay! So I've made a big jug of iced green tea with lemon and I've had half a red bull and some chewing gum. And that's it!

Diary: running low on confidence

2009-01-01T09:25:00.003+11:00

61kg | BMI 18.6

Yesterday I was running very low on confidence and binged all day. Then went out for dinner and drank too much.

Fun times.

Today I'd like to do a good hike or some solid exercise for 2009 and work on some positive affirmations for who I'd like to become during the year.

I started with a big helping of leftover pasta for breakfast this morning. Extra protein for my muscles! Now if only I could be bothered to go to the gym or do some exercise or something.

1:00 am

I purged my morning pasta but managed to keep my food intake reasonable for the rest of the day! Finally...

J and I went shopping this afternoon and I chopped up vegetable sticks and even made a wombok soup so there's plenty of low-cal snacks for the next few days!

J got me Star Trek to watch (geeky attack!) and now I'm watching White Christmas again! Yaay!

I've also done a big stack of drawings to help deal with the strain of binge compulsions and diet obsessions. They're not that great to look at, but very expressive and help to deal with the stress.

Haven't exercised properly because I'm pretty tired although I have been on my feet all day. I'll try again tomorrow. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

2009 Resolutions

2008-12-31T07:45:00.003+11:00

There's just a few things I'd like to achieve for myself in 2009:

An increase in my health and fitness as measured by the ability to:
- Complete the Canberra Marathon 5km Fun Run on 18 April
- Complete the 9km Sydney Harbour Bridge Run on 21 September
- Finally achieve my goal of hiking Mount Kosciuszko from the base to the peak!

I have now set up all the writing projects I wish to develop. I don't want to set specific goals, just to develop those projects and have just one in or nearing a state of "completion" by the end of 2009

At work: To continue my efforts to focus and work hard on the skills I still need to develop, to maintain a positive approach and stay on top of my tasks!

Enroll in meditation and complete CBT so I can eat to suit me

I think my goals are achievable. I look forward to working on them. :)

Diary 31 December - home again!

2008-12-31T07:10:00.002+11:00

For breakfast I'm having a bowl of miso with some delicious soba noodles in the bottom! I'm pretty sure you can't get fat eating this stuff.

I'll start the day with some stretching and jogging, then I'll spend the day ironing and cleaning. Yeah, it's laundry day.

Catch-up diary: Messed up eating patterns

2008-12-31T06:54:00.002+11:00

After the funeral I finally felt it was OK to eat. I ended up having about a 2000 Cal binge.

Yesterday I only ate dinner: some roasted chick-peas and rice crackers with a small bowl of dry muesli.

Over the last week I gained 1kg. I plan to flush it out by drinking lots of water and herbal teas.

I may have lost an inch off my waist: it's now pretty close to 24 where before it was definitely 25. For the record my legs are 20" around the thighs and my hips are about 37.5" My chest measurement though is only 33" making me decidedly bottom-heavy! Just chunky hips and thighs. I intend to deal with those by focusing on good aerobic exercise like cycling and jogging.

I have to eat properly! Saving it all up for a big binge doesn't help at all. I also have to drink enough water. Water water water water water!!!!!

All business

2008-12-29T08:21:00.000+11:00

While I have cake for breakfast I'm listening to mum fact-checking the eulogy. As usual, my step-father has mis-remembered many things and listening to her speak I think I need to do some re-writes of some dangerously long sentences!

My legs are too sore from yesterday's jog to go again. Awesome!

So it's all business ahead of the funeral. Wish me luck!

Exhausting family effort

2008-12-29T00:59:00.000+11:00

Tonight I fed my family, wrote my grandfather's eulogy with details supplied by his wife and son (I hate collaborative writing but I think we produced good work) and touched base with my mum about how I've handled things with my daughter and her dad.

I'm sorry to say I did snack a bit on toffee, crackers and nuts to get through it all.

I was thinking "the food doesn't make you think more clearly or solve emotional stress" but I had felt myself getting fatter all day (I could feel my clothes getting tighteer and my thighs rubbing) and I was discouraged. I even went back for seconds after dinner and had a bottle of cider!

Now it's night and I feel so wrong without J that I could just run home to him right now. Everyone has got their suits and things out in preparation for tomorrow so there's nothing to do in the morning but wait.

Trying new exercise

2008-12-28T09:45:00.000+11:00

So here I am in this flat open landscape and not a mountain trail or stationary cycle to be had for love or money. But instead of letting it phase me I decided to try jogging and surprised myself by not actually sucking at it. Straight off the bat I was already way more capable than I had been as a teenager although I decided not to push myself so I can try to do even better tomorrow.

Now here's a weird question. I love exercising even though it does tend to bore me a fair bit. But is it wrong that I find it totally disgusting when I sweat from it? Flies are even buzzing around me!!! Oh please let me escape the countryside to a nice civilised latte!!!

Funeral stress

2008-12-28T08:04:00.000+11:00

Last night I was up until about 2 or 3, mostly just chillin, I had a serve of vodka and a few rice crackers when I got home.

I'm just getting ready to go out for my walk or jog or whatever - I just have to choose a route. Whatever I do it will be flat but there are different paths to take of various lengths and proximity to town and highways.

I'm surrounded by so much drama and action. Everyone wanted to talk last night about how scarey it was finding Pop at 4am and dealing with the body and seeing his face but my mum's husband wasn't really ready so I just took him out to relax and of course he got all CREEPY just like when I was a teenager and even weirder he started telling me about his disordered eating which I knew about but never really thought of.

So now the creepy step-father wants me to help prepare some words and to say them at the funeral for him. He says I'm his "favourite" child! If you think I'd be stressed you're right. I had to talk to J for an hour before I could sleep.

Now I'm just wondering what to really do with myself this morning. 6km round trip to town for coffee? Jog and a shower? Just do what I want to and drive home?

I think I can help him to process his grief a bit but if he were to blow a gasket and go on a rampage surprise would not be my response.

Why does this have to be me???? Oh yeah, because my mum has zero coping skills too, she isn't crazy but that doesn't put her automatically into a position to counsel someone who is!

The thing is, I'm not at full capacity either! I'm obsessed with food and pretty crippled by anxiety. So I asked his brother to help and he's expecting the same drama I am but he's in no position to help either because HIS DAD JUST DIED!!

Well screw this lying in bed. My stomach isn't sore so it must be time to punish it with some sit-ups and related exercises. I wonder how far it is to the edge of the valley.

Staying in control under stress

2008-12-27T20:43:00.000+11:00

Hello J. Thank you for SMSing me words of love and encouragement when I was having trouble at dinner time.

I can get so "all or nothing" about food, like if I know I'm getting hungry it's so hard to stop! After my second helping I just got some chewing gum so my mouth would be full and went straight to J for the cuddles and love I was actually craving.

Thanks for the love and cuddles J. It's very uncomfortable being the person with "problems" when everyone is talking about the funeral and trying not to think about Pop being gone.

My little niece is an absolute treasure! All tanned and dressed in pink!!

I hope we can more or less avoid food for the rest of the evening, I'd rather just play some music or write or read a book or something!

Test #2 and "eater's remorse"

2008-12-27T14:10:00.000+11:00

I feel so fat and enormous after the huge lunch I ate and particularly for going back in for a second piece of watermelon and then the muffin!

I really should put on my hat and walk down to the bottom of the hill! That would at least make some contribution toward burning off all the disgusting food and fat!

Why I'm so lazy and sitting on my butt when I could be exercising is a huge mystery! Waaahhh! I'm really harsh on myself! Nothing in life is ever good enough for Widget.

If I thought it was going to help I'd go throw up. Instead I'll make some more green tea. It might help keep me from falling asleep in the Summer heat.

email posting FAILED - this morning's diary is below

2008-12-27T13:55:00.002+11:00

This post is a test of my ability to blog on the run from my phone. I wanted to update my food diary and blogger's edit post feature doesn't work very well with the phone so I'm going straight to the emailed post and a small format change in that all updates will be posted as new entries.
First an update on last night's dinner. I had a small plate of rice vermicelli with tofu and seasoned with soy, lemon, sesame and some other secret ingredients. Afterwards I did get the nibbles but managed to keep under control with just a few more bites of noodles, a taste of cake and 2 mints.
On the drive I had a sugarfree bottle of red bull to keep me awake and energetic; I also tried to do isometric core exercise but it was a bit hard.
This norning I woke up early at 6:30 (first out of bed) and did some exercise. I did some squats, dips and stuff then a walk on the hill with my brother's dog and finally some sit-ups and push-ups. Feelin' good!!
I haven't had breakfast this morning and my step-sister has noticed that I sort of slunk out when everyone ate but I really am hungry, I'm just feeling rather nervous. I've had a lot of yummy herbal tea though.

Update - Finally ate for lunch, an open salad sandwich and 2 pieces of watermelon for dessert. Still hungry after so with my cup of tea I had a mini muffin but threw the rest out, they are a bit stale!

Food, exercise and body image diary 26 December 2008

2008-12-26T10:23:00.003+11:00

10:23 am | 181 cm | 60 kg | BMI 18.3

Happy Boxing Day everyone.

Not such a good one for me. I'm feeling rather numb today with the bad news from overnight.

I had two bowls of weak miso with tofu and veggies for breakfast and I'm now just wandering around aimlessly thinking about cleaning and stuff.

I tend to not really eat when I'm miserable even though there's a lot of comfort food in the house. It just doesn't seem right. Nevertheless J is going to take me out for a coffee later and maybe get me a present. I will probably make a nutritious and comforting dinner. I don't know.

2:13 pm

I had a sandwich for lunch: pumpernickel made with sprouted rye (it's supposed to be easier to digest since the offending chemicals are removed when the seeds sprout) and filled with a little hommus, some cucumbers, plain tofu soy sauce, vegemite and tahini. Sounds silly but it's healthy I guess and kinda tasty too.

Had it with water and it was pretty hard to eat the whole thing.

I have had lots of tea and put together some cake for afternoon tea. J ate his up but mine is still sitting in the bowl, I just had a few nibbles on it. Maybe 3 whole teaspoonsful.

I'm also now drinking a Greek coffee. Not really doing much for me either.

Activity-wise I've been cleaning up around the house all morning and now I'm ironing clothes so I can head out this afternoon. J is being an absolute wonder, helping me to set up the ipod, and now he's out giving my car a quick service! (You know, oil, water, other fluids known to be leaking, um... tyre pressure and the jets you use to clean the windscreen)

What a guy! What an amazing stress relief to have his support!

I'm preparing to encounter some very hot weather down South. I think I have some suitable clothes and I hope I can still do some exercise in the warmer climate. Obviously that's not really a priority right now, I probably won't have time anyway.

Damn what a terrible feeling.

My grandfather died

2008-12-26T06:33:00.002+11:00

Not my real grandfather, but my mother's father-in-law was a very kind man who was always good to everyone if he could find a way.

He was extremely industrious - one of those people whose retirement becomes more of a self-funded repairs and restoration business!

Their home is so cheerful and peaceful, all green and with photos of the children EVERYWHERE

I really hope Nana is going to be OK. I'll probably tidy things up here today as I had planned, iron all my black clothes and so on and then head off tomorrow morning first to Dad's and then over to Mum's house.

I expect it will be pretty big of a thing, nice people like that have a lot of friends.

White Christmas

2008-12-25T19:28:00.002+11:00

Definitely a movie to avoid if triggers are a problem. As a little girl I would watch it every Christmas and sometimes when it wasn't, just because it was Lisa's favourite movie! The dancing, the singing and the romance along with the beautiful costumes and glamorous stars kept us enthralled for hours.

Vera-Ellen was the beauty that dominated every scene with her enormous presence, dazzling blonde hair, blue eyes and tiny waist! She was so light she could be thrown like a rag doll but she was so graceful that she always moved so beautifully.

Reading up on the movie I've just learnt that she battled anorexia through her 30s and had the smallest waist in Hollywood. Those high necklines she wears throughout the movie despite v-necks being the fashion, they were covering her neck because she was ageing so quickly!

A beautiful movie but I'm so sick of every thing I watch bringing up "issues" for me!

Happy Xian holiday!

2008-12-25T16:43:00.002+11:00

And for the rest of us rational folks, happy Food Celebration!

Oh my goodness, you read how obsessed I was with cooking - I had so much to prove to my boyfriend's family who think I can't cook. They liked it!

Very satisfied and very proud.

Today I ate like a "normal" person typically would at Christmas. I had a reasonably big breakfast of bread and cereal and a few sips of milkshakey stuff, and for lunch I had a bowl of soup, salad and dolmades with a little bread and dip. And two desserts! I made trifle and Christmas cake!

I definitely over-cooked and now I have all these leftovers but actually it's kind of relieving to know I don't have to bother with cooking for a while!

This week has been a bit of a struggle mostly between Ana and Mia but today I was so proud - when I felt Ana tell me to stop eating halfway through my soup I said "OK Ana I'll have a little salad and see how I go" and when I felt Mia telling me to have a third dessert I said "J I've finished eating, please don't let me have any more." Then an hour later or so, when his mum put out some fruit I asked him if it was OK to have a little and he said yes. He also let me have 2 glasses of champagne and 2 glasses of Benedictine so whoa! I'm gonna need some water!!!

Yeah, it has been a decadent and disgusting Christmas in many ways but I'm just really glad that I was able to choose to do that just once. I've told J that tomorrow I'm starting to pay more attention to watching my weight again and he understands but it's nice to have these little victories - just one day of knowing it's OK to enjoy eating because I've reached a milestone and it's the holidays or just one moment of saying "I'm not actually starving hungry, Mia just wants some attention!"

When we came home it was a huge victory because J felt sick and purged but I had eaten a small enough amount that I was urging HIM to come out of the bathroom! Take that Mia you ugly bitch!

I hope someone whose name is Mia doesn't read this stuff, it would fuck her up.

Anyway I'll be exercising later and more importantly returning to a healthy daily exercise and moderate food intake lifestyle tomorrow morning (with the whole holiday to lay down some positive habits) and Santa brought me some stuff about de-stressing and I'm just hoping to start feeling better about myself. I still feel like I need to lose weight but I also need to accept some things about myself that have nothing to do with my size!

Tell your family to read this article!

2008-12-24T10:53:00.003+11:00

I just saw this article in the news items Google serves into my sidebar and it bears drawing some attention to it.

You know at Christmas and other family times how you want to say something to your family but it's so difficult to know what? And how feeling their watchful eyes upon you makes you feel even more stressed which in turn makes you more likely to try and conform to normal eating and then eventually either freak out or start doing the ED - and generally ruins the good time anyway?

Here is the definitive article on what ground rules you should lay for your family. Sometimes it's hard to know what our triggers are or how to describe them - this article gives you all the notes you need to navigate the difficult time. If necessary just send the link to your mum or print her a copy.

Nearly finished up

2008-12-24T09:55:00.003+11:00

Just keeping it chilled today! The boss is out getting her hair done and I'm just kind of cleaning up. I also received my subscription to Complete Nutrition Australasia today; it features articles on very low calorie diets and anorexia nervosa among other things.

Last night I baked a Christmas cake (it's gluten-free and vegan and came up beautifully) and made the hommus. I also baked the eggplant and toasted the walnuts for the eggplant dip but I need to buy parsley before I completely finish it. This morning I iced my pudding with its white chocolate bombe topping - now I just need to actually bake the pudding and assemble it within the big ball of chocolate!

OK just a few more things to finish up before the boss gets back and we regroup. I can't wait to get out of here and go really crazy in the kitchen!

I've got 2 red bulls in the office fridge and I'm desperately trying to avoid going overboard on pre-Christmas caffeine. My champagne of choice is Laurent Perrier Ultra Brut but I'll settle for Yellowglen Jewel if I absolutely must drink!

I need to tan to cover up some bruises that my vigorous cellulite massage has left on my thigs. Consider that an epic failure and it's time to come up with a new plan. Maybe high-impact exercise like jogging will jolt them into shape.

Update 10:15 am

I had a few no-sugar mini-muffins for breakfast today because I was getting rather dizzy and it's happening again. I don't think it's the junk food I've been eating, I think it's probably just the exhaustion. I haven't been sleeping!

I'm so butter-fingered today, when I get out of here I'll be having a big cappuccino! And that's still if I don't have the red bull which is looking more and more likely!

OK my desk is tidy, there's just a tiny bit of mail to take before we leave and just the emails and the wastepaper to do while I'm waiting to finish up! Wonderful, I can't wait to go cook up a monster storm!

Running down around the binge holiday

2008-12-23T15:54:00.002+11:00

Actually I'm only bingeing in an attempt to get to the holiday, not in actual celebration of the holiday. I binge to stop my mind from wandering because by focusing on a single repetitive task I'm leaving my unconscious mind less vulnerable to distraction and thus giving my conscious mind all the help it needs in focusing on the task at hand.

I need more positive approaches like holding in my tummy, maybe chewing gum, drinking water is a good thing, tapping my toes - or just learning better mental discipline!

Oh well, at least I ate some food today, even if it was all just candy and nuts.

Firing on all 12

2008-12-23T09:09:00.002+11:00

Oh my goodness! It's nearly Christmas!

Even stubborn non-Christians like me can't help but get excited at all the tinsel, flashing lights and candy!

I've made toffee, honeycomb, sesame and nut toffee snaps and even some fudge!

I've got chick peas soaking for hommus, I'll be making that tonight - with lots of tahini, lemon, garlic and spices!

I've got 3 eggplants so I can make eggplant and walnut pate.

And I'm thinking of doing a zucchini and coriander dip, maybe with peas... although I'm not entirely sure that making something beetrooty wouldn't go well... or maybe just a nut-based dip such as cashew. I have to do one other dip though and it should ideally be something creative given that I'm making two standard ones!

I'm also cooking up my puddings tomorrow and I've got a surprise to cook tomorrow - even J doesn't know what I'm planning on making! It's not yorkshire pudding or anything like that, it's just something very simple that becomes a bit yummy if it's hand-made properly.

So much for cooking! OK I've also got a mountain of cleaning, I try to at least not leave a mess when I cook! The laundry needs urgent attention though, I barely got to it on the weekend!

Yes, OK I'm obsessing about food a little too much... but it IS Christmas! And I'm just tasting as I go, not having obscene amounts or too little! The only thing that didn't work out very well was my muffins but I was just doing those as an experiment so I would know how much baking powder to use.

Cheerful start

2008-12-22T08:56:00.008+11:00

9:00 am | 181 cm | 60 kg | BMI 18.3

Today I'm wearing blue stockings for some reason. I did half an hour for my morning cardio (cycling level 6 random) while reading about EDs and then I had just one rice-bowl of muesli. It's not entirely clear how many calories are in a serve that size but I'll just guess around 200 or maybe a little more when served with berry and fruit juice.

I ate the whole bowl - I said to myself "this is your breakfast, no more fretting about food until lunch" - then I ironed some clothes, fixed my hair and drove myself to work. (Too much time in the gym -> not enough time to walk. Still, cycling is the better exercise and now I can leave my car here for the rest of the week.)

I've brought some sushi rolls for lunch, a banana for dessert and some raisins and almonds for afternoon tea. So it's another 200 cals or slightly more for lunch and a little less in the afternoon, which is still small but at least now I don't need to fret about it.

I've got my jug of water and all the herbal tea I can drink. Right now I'm attempting to pep myself up with ginkgo biloba but it's not really having the desired effect.

9:28 am

OK W, think this through. You can't just be having a meal every hour. You're not hungry yet, you had breakfast just a little while ago. You have an obsession. Feel it, accept it. Your body wants food to deal with emotional problems. While accepting this reality you feel your appetite wane. Just let it go. Focus on what's in front of you today. Focus on what is happening now.

You're not like this because your mother didn't love you or your friends laughed at you. You're obsessing because you're finding comfort in the obsession. But it's not fun, is it? So do something practical! Focus on the papers in front of you, the work that you're going to get done today. Think about how good you're going to feel when it's done.

Widget, you're doing OK. Enjoy the music playing at your desk. Enjoy the cup of tea by your keyboard. Enjoy the working day and cleaning up in time for the holidays. Feel proud! Yes, really, why not? Anyone else would be happy - you have the right to choose happiness if you want it. You can choose happiness and success - it's all up to you what you choose for yourself.

Now get out there and enjoy it!

11:00 am

I keep thinking about coffee. Maybe I should halt my focus on quick fixes and instead look at what Bodhidharma considered appropriate - like a nice cup of green tea!

If I'm still exhausted after a couple of cups of green tea maybe then worrying about some coffee or some red bull will make sense, but it's no good having just one cup of ginkgo and then jumping straight into the strong stuff! Sometimes being healthy is a conscious choice against an unconscious urge too!

2:15 pm

The sushi was still OK but I think I already need to throw out any that's left, the moisture has really gone into the nori!

Just a few minutes ago I started to feel nauseous so I had half of my afternoon tea of walnuts and raisins and some water. I feel too hot! And so tired! I hate being sick!

Counting what I've eaten so far, I realise that probably the best way to fight the way I'm feeling is to finish my walnuts and raisins or to have a muesli bar from my drawer and just eat the food. But I just don't know... I'm feeling all anxious and scared of the food. Like it's poison. I've opened a muesli bar but I can't put it in my mouth. I just don't trust it.

While I figure out what to do I'll get back into the tasks at hand. The water and the small amount of food helped a bit.

3:20 pm

Got my cappuccino. Got a chocolate bliss ball. Also got the number of free meditation classes but I'm too chicken to phone.

5:20 pm

I'm so tired! I want to go home!!!

Instead I'm looking at my huge pile of letters to write and thinking that the sooner I get all my work done, the sooner I can knock off EARLY for Christmas!

What I'm not really thinking about is food, even though my tummy is making those little prodding sensations that remind me it will be dinner time soon. I had a little chewing gum (2 pieces of peppermint flavour) after my coffee and threw out the rest of the packet. Ick! I guess I've had about 600 Cals all up so far and dinner and the gym are still to come.

I can probably put these letters together at home and then print them out in a big batch tomorrow morning. Then it will be a big printing batch first thing in the morning and stuffing letters all afternoon!

Out of mind

2008-12-21T22:56:00.002+11:00

Buddha tells us that life is suffering and that happiness is a conscious choice that we must make each and every second.

I don't know how much I ate today because for a time I snacked as I cooked and fretted. Then I realised that all this energy is misplaced. I don't need to wallow in my eating disorder, instead I need to make the choice each and every moment to direct my energy more productively.

So instead of counting my calories and berating myself all day I really faced my fears. I prepared 2 dozen cold spring rolls before I was ready to phone lifeline and beg for help but then I remembered earlier in the day when I finally sat to begin my book and I wrote about the importance of choosing to leave obsession behind and trusting my conscious mind to make rational decisions on how much to eat, exercise and rest.

I would like to start a meditation class and I would like to free myself from the terrible grip food has over me. Freedom is my choice. It is standing up to declare the emperor is naked. Well food, you are naked! Your power is a collective delusion. I believe in the power of these words. I beat depression and I will defeat food!

Diary 20 December: It's the weekend and I don't wanna stop moving!

2008-12-20T07:09:00.008+11:00

7:10 am | 181 cm | still 60kg and happy | BMI 18.3

This morning I'm feeling fresh, energetic and ready for anything! I'm going to spend my weekend doing things I enjoy like:

Maybe walking up a small mountain
Coffee with a friend at a veggie cafe
Exercising (it gives me a rush!)
Cleaning (it makes me relax when everything is in order)
Working on my writing projects
Catching up on some of my professional web-based tasks
Phoning my family
SHOPPING!!!

I'll be starting with a light pre-breakfast and a cycle - today I'm going for endurance so I'll try and be in there for at least an hour. I've got a 1.5 L bottle of water and I'll just keep pedalling until I feel stronger!

9:30 am

I had a grazing breakfast of fruit, about 3 almonds, one sesame senbei and matcha tea. Nom nom nom nom nom. I don't know how many calories it was - it might have been a cup and a half of grapes and a couple tablespoons goji with a quarter of a medium banana. I don't have time to calculate right now.

I also did 40 minutes of cycling on medium intensity (level 5 fwiw) burning 200 cals apparently then did low rows, tricep curls and another 12 minutes of cycling on a higher intensity (including cooldown another 80 Cals)

Oh, I enjoyed showering so much afterwards! I've exfoliated my entire body so I should really think about tanning later on in the day.

So I think I'm at least calorie neutral for the time being and I'm really looking forward to my coffee with a pal in half an hour!

Today I'm using green because I'm feeling fresh, clean and invigorated! I'm even having second thoughts on that coffee although I know if I have just one and it's a good quality espresso I'm going to come home so full of beans and go into a whirlwind of action which will be great!

I read today that Naomi Wolf wrote The Beauty Myth at 25 and I'm reading another amazing book from America written just last year by a woman of 25. Next year I'm 25 so I think it's a sign that I've got a new year's resolution looking at me!

12:00 pm

Oh my goodness, what a decadent feast we enjoyed! I had a malt-free soy cappuccino and an entire chocolate-coconut ball thingy. It's like a rumball but just with the coconut (no biscuits or rum) and usually some date and they melt solid chocolate on top (it tastes coconutty too, like they mixed in some coconut oil and added extra cocoa and sugar to make coconut chocolate!)

I started feeling sick halfway through, as you can imagine! But I said to myself it's not turning into a choc-ball sized lump on your thigh, it's turning into glycogen that you're gonna burn by cleaning and shopping and as it turns out I'm also dancing. So then I managed to enjoy the rest of it.

I'm thinking about making noodles tonight and maybe sticking to nice little rice parcels and sushi and fun little dainty bites like that for much of the rest of the week. I should have a big rice parcel and sushi cook-up during the weekend then I can take some for our Christmas picnic too! I'll also make some little organic gluten-free cupcakes and maybe some kind of pudding if I'm really feeling ambitious. I'll need a lot of figs... They're in season but hard to get your hands on!

3:30 pm

We have so much groceries! For some reason I thought it would be really fun to make muesli (it will) and so I have nuts, seeds, flakey and puffy things - the whole works! I also have ingredients for dinner tonight and for cooking for Christmas, which I don't celebrate but hey, he does... and I don't miss a party!

I think it's fairly safe to say by now that I've had some decent quality exercise and basically skipped lunch. I was thinking J would get hungry soon but I just remembered he had a roll while I was in the Asian grocer getting sticky rice, black sesame seeds (because darker means healthier), basil and mint.

I've even got some hazelnut meal for making ... some kind of hazelnut thing. Should be fun!

Before I go - my current thoughts on food:

I should mention how aware I am that the exercise of walking around shopping probably burnt off the cappuccino and the bliss ball. I can feel my tummy grumbling and my everything getting faint but I'm not really thinking about it.

Another point of interest is that I bought some rye biscuits so I can do a tolerance test. I can tolerate all the other ingredients and I used to do fine on rye so I'm giving it another burl some time during the break as I'll have a few days to recover if there's a problem.

I think the reason I eat so quickly...

2008-12-19T09:23:00.003+11:00

...is that I don't like having my mouth full.

And I think the reason that I just keep popping food into my mouth is that I have this notion that when I've eaten enough suddenly I'll have all this focus and energy and it'll be great!

(I just caught myself reaching for the rice crackers which is fine but actually my stomach has already had about all it can handle and there should be plenty of energy flying through my system at the moment from all the candy. I'm having ginkgo instead.)

I think the reason I always want to exercise is that I really want to be this strong, fit person who has endurance and strength and isn't afraid of situations where she might have to run.

I think I want to be slim because excess fat just doesn't match the image of the strong, confident, successful person I want to be.

So where's the mistake in my logic? Anyone?

Still grey: Diary for 19 December 2008

2008-12-19T05:43:00.013+11:00

5:40 am | BMI: 18.3 (basically the same weight as yesterday)

This morning I'm just doing some light exercises before work, focusing on stretching, dips and plies and some sit-ups.

Still not much appetite.

I'm supposed to go home for the weekend but now I'm looking at the sheer volume of work I've got to get through and panicking a little. I'm sure it will be fine...

6:35 am

For breakfast: half a dried banana and some earl green tea.

Did some light exercise and will follow up with the walk to work and some proper cardio tonight.

Currently feeling... nothing. Just a bit tired in the head. No appetite, no real mood or motivation to speak of. I think I'll do well at work today cranking out the meaningless bits of paper that form the basis of our income.

9:19 am

I made it to work in my highest heels and even went to the supermarket. They had my favourite candy in the world which is gluten-free licorice! I've already had 2 pieces (they're 17 cals each so that's 34).

I also bought a little bottle of juice and poured half into my jug when I got here (77 cals)

Including the banana I'm up to 161 which is a good start. I'm about to tuck into a ginkgo tea and I'm already right into it. I've got a vegetable juice for later and I also bought plenty of binge-proof high-fibre foods although eating still makes me feel pretty sick so I'm unlikely to binge.

10:36 am

I've got some appetite back and I just had about 1/3 of a packet of vegetable senbei. (80 cals) this brings me up to 242 already. I feel kind of guilty though.

12:19 pm

I'm having my lunch.

I started with a licorice (17 Cals) and then had half a veggie juice before I had to stop (too salty!!!) (23 Cals)
So I'm finishing with a black sesame senbei (they're 25 Cals each) and now I just feel restless and bingey. I'll see if a green chai helps to sort it out. I'm not getting much work done today!

2:35 pm

J came by the office for a quick coffee during lunch. The boss was out so it was all cool. He had a coffee, I had green tea and 2 vegie senbei (23 Cals). I've now refilled my water jug including the rest of my juice bottle (77 Cals) and I've put out a licorice to eat at some point during the afternoon (17 Cals). But I'm not hungry. The running total though is 424.

3:30 pm

Just realised how much I've spoiled myself today! My favourite candy, my favourite juice! My boyfriend dropping in for coffee! This is a great sign!

I haven't really held back today and I haven't overdone it either. I have to work a bit late so I hope that plus the gym doesn't cut into date night much.

5:00 pm

It's getting to that point where I'm not hungry, I'm not fainty, I'm not even thinking about food but I'm sooooo tired! I'm thinking about bed but I won't be leaving here for quite some time!

So I don't know... maybe another cup of tea? All I really want to do is go OUT and get some fresh air! The office air is so dehydrating! I've had around 5L of water today just from my jug!

Oh well, back to the paperwork I guess. For now.

6:30 pm ON A FRIDAY and STILL at work!!!

Well OK so what if I'm a total masochist and I love working?

I was really fading around 5:30 and had another candy (17 Cals). They're so yummy!!!

My running total is now 441 and I feel SOO fat and bloated from all the sugar I ate today! For dinner I just want to have something really light and healthy with lots of vitamins.

And in conclusion

I had a lovely dinner and my appetite did come back in the end. I had 2 Vietnamese cold rolls and a few pieces of tofu and noodles then ate a bunch of leftover rice crackers I brought home from work and 2 pieces of licorice for dessert. The Daily Plate says cold rolls are only 60 cals but I'd be willing to at least double that - they're pretty yummy! So maybe 1000 Cals for the day (could that be right? I felt so full!) and to finish it off, an hour or so dancing at a club where a friend of ours was spinning hip hop!

I hate bingeing - Diary 18 December 2008

2008-12-18T06:33:00.012+11:00

6:37 am | Height: 1.81cm | Weight: 60kg | BMI: 18.3

Today I'm recovering from the results of yesterday's binge which means I'm puffy in the face and red around the eyes. Luckily they have make-up for that kind of thing now.

I'm dedicated to using exercise to moderate my appetite - I believe that's one healthy way to really curb my bingeing.

This morning I've had about a cup of grapes and done the Carmen Electra warm-up. Now it's to the gym for a few minutes to see if a bit of extra blood flow in the morning will do anything to help keep me warm during the day, because I'm expecting the exact same weather as yesterday!

Dammit! Summer isn't meant to be cold! I think I need to have a word with my landlord about the air conditioning.

7:40 am

I did about 10 minutes on the elliptical and I'm about to do the 45 minute walk to work, so that's my morning warm-up covered!

I came home and ate one plum, two prunes and about 5 almonds and a pinch of pepitas.

I've now got to put on a lot of make-up to cover the red all over my eyes and then get my butt out the door!

Maybe I should stop focusing on losing weight and restricting calories and start focusing on toning up. I've been too out of balance to exercise properly (or maybe just too disorganised) and I really want to get going every evening.

All I need to do is half an hour of cardio and just one of the three machines. That should do me until I gain a considerable amount of strength.

11:14 am

I'm really tired and unfocused today. I went out last night but it's not as if I was drinking or staying up late!

In the office I immediately fetched myself a big cup of bouillon because I was craving salt and had already had 3 roasted salted peas. I felt so disgusting eating it! Just giving in to cravings like an animal...

I made my usual jug of water with a little juice and I've had most of that already.

I've also had a big pot of gunpowder tea.

I can't describe how icky I feel right now - I feel completely overfull and stuffed like just before a big purge, I actually feel like I'm at that moment where your fingers are down your throat and the food is on its way up, I feel like there's icky food in my oesophagus wanting to come up.

At the same time I feel nausea that's probably associated with an empty tummy or last night's purge or both. I think my tummy is very unhappy. I'm not sure what to do.

12:00 pm

The clock says it's nearly lunch time but my stomach says I still feel really icky and I don't want it. I've had a few days where it's like that: I know I need to eat at least a little bit but I just can't bear to!

Well, there's no need to eat anything just now anyway. I've got absolutely hours before I need to worry about forcing myself! Maybe I'll get hungry around 4 o'clock in the afternoon.

I think instead of lunch I'll take a break for a walk when the boss gets back into the office. Maybe the fresh air will bring back my bounce! I need to get us some office supplies anyway so it's a perfect opportunity.

1:20 pm

I finally felt I could stomach a little food so I had some leftovers from yesterday's lunch - just a few forkfulls really, maybe half what I had yesterday. With lots of water!

I threw the rest in the bin.

I was thinking about continuing to eat but I could tell I was facing a binge so I stopped.

I've got plenty of fruit to have before the gym, so there's not much risk of me fainting or anything.

Now I feel my stomach sticking out and my thighs spreading out so I'm taking care to hold them in, which is also a great exercise anyway!

I don't know why I still have so much disgusting cellulite, I wish it would just go away! Everything else looks OK but my thighs are disgusting! I covered up with little shorts when I went swimming at my friend's house but you could still see dimples and flab everywhere.

I seem to be feeling a little "cloudy" today. No fresh ideas at all, it's the perfect day for me to just do heaps of mind-numbing admin which I am. My mind can't possibly get any more numb.

3:00 pm

I wonder if taking a break to stretch and do some "office workout" is really as good as they say it is. I guess it all adds up - five two-minute breaks adds up to 10 minutes of exercise. Certainly helps me to concentrate although I'm still not feeling hungry.

4:40 pm

I've had about 2/3 of a banana to ensure I can get through the gym OK later. It hasn't even sparked my appetite. Oh well, good! Maybe next time I am starving hungry I can think of today and have a little to eat. So far today I'd estimate 370 Cals and usually I'd be sooo hungry but today I guess it's alright to have a not-hungry day. I'm in my fat-burning phase so maybe my body just shrugged it off and started burning fat. One can only hope!

5:49 pm

I've had enough work for one day. I'm going to pack up all my notes and take them home - maybe I'll get some more done after the gym (but I really should be cleaning the house!)

Big meeting tomorrow - my performance review went poorly (I'm a creative energetic person in a plodding job so it's kind of hard to sit still) so this is kind of a follow-up to that. I want to be prepared.

9:53 pm

I did 20 minutes of elliptical and some weights. Now I have a basic schedule for weights that should keep me challenged.

For dinner I made a smoothie from almond milk, goji berries and carob then I chopped some raw vegies with a teensy bit of hommus. 5 grapes for dessert and I was so full!!

Didn't get any work done so I'll be up early, but I did fold the washing, clean the kitchen and put on some towels! Ready for bed now!

Obesity

2008-12-17T09:32:00.002+11:00

*In a trial of technology's ability to save us time, I actually wrote this while walking to and from the post office on my way to work this morning! Please feel free to point out any typos; my phone has a qwerty keyboard but it's terribly small!

I mean in today's entry to have a serious discussion about obesity as an eating disorder and how it has taken the attention from eating disorder, indeed even positioned itself as our enemy.

Australian figures (I hope to corroborate this shortly) place eating disorder at 10% of adolescents. Obesity is apparently more like 25%.

My first problem with these statistics is that they reflect a huge discrepancy in the definition of health and disease. At the large end of the spectrum the size itself is seen as the disease. Our government is telling us to measure around our waists to see if we have a health problem. At the other end of the scale, our size is threatening, yes, unpleaasant even, but our problem stems from our state of mind.

Let's unpack that further. If you're fat, your only problem is that you've accidentally strapped a tyre around your middle. Too thin? You're crazy!

Is obesity an eating disorder?

It's not a silly question. When we eat more than we need to sustain ourselves it's called a binge. Do it systematically and get fat, and watch the language change to meaningless comments about your "lifestyle." If I were to call my eating habits a lifestyle, I'd get lynched by the anti-pro mob!

Now I have been saying for a long time that the only way to get obese is to overeat and that overeating is a recognised eating disorder. There is certainly some support for this idea in the fact that obesity tends to occur more often in high-risk groups such as the poor, uneducated ans those already known to have a psychiatric condition.

To examine my logic further let's investigate what an ED really is: an obsessive compulsive disorder focused on food, eating and refusal to maintain a healthy body size. I already know that for me, mia and ana are just sides of a coin, just different behavioral responses to the same fundamental sources of mental stress. An overeater faced with an unhealthy obsession with food and lack of control could become quite obese before he would willingly acknowledge his lack of control.

And all of this brings me to Benji, the lovable obese writer and studio personality from the Howard Stern show in USA who recently tackled his obsession with food by embarking on a hunger strike for some inane cause. He admitted the cause didn't matter, he just wanted to fast and that the cause was a motivator. All well and good but what's the outcome for Benji's health? Within 2 days he was horrified and traumatised by seeing people eating! Benji now has the same attitude to food as a pro-ana! Only his behaviour and focus have changed and suddenly we recognise his mind as "afflicted" with an eating disorder!

This is where I go out on a limb and claim that eating disorder affects 30% of Australians, a number I just made up but that I think is far closer to the ballpark. Eating disorder as currently defined is the third biggest chronic health issue affecting young women, and incorporating all the overeating sisters currently dismissed as "obese" would certainly be be our single biggest public health issue.

So where does it fit into the public health agenda? Well they're educating the obese about "proper nutrition" as if they actually look at chips and salad on a menu and believe chips are the healthier choice! The rest of us can book into a very full clinic, pay for private therapy or just die!

Hello happy world! Diary for 17 December

2008-12-17T06:53:00.008+11:00

Hello dieters

Today I'm thinking about the advantages of fresh food. My breakfast this morning is home-made almond milk and it is divine! I'm having it with a little fruit.

Again, I haven't weighed myself this morning before eating so I don't know where I stand. I did weigh myself in the afternoon yesterday and it was a bit higher, but that's the afternoon when I'm full of food and water. I think it's mostly water that does it.

J is eating some of my home-made khicheri (mung beans with veggies and rice) for breakfast - I'm taking some for lunch.

I was a little shy in my bikini last night because I do still have a little cellulite holding on but as I detox and tone it goes away gradually. Massage also helps.

I'm not yet what I would call thin "enough" but I'm not horrified with myself.

Update: 9:48 am

Yup! I'm having my water with juice mixed in to keep my electrolytes balanced (90 Cals) and I've also nibbled on some khicheri before leaving the house. I'm having one of those hungry hungry hungry days! Good thing I brought plenty of lunch! But for some reason I don't want to eat it, I'm content to stay hungry instead!

It seems so cold today! My office gets cold anyway but... the BOM says it's a fine sunny morning with a thunderstorm in the afternoon perhaps. Guess I'm just having one of those cold days too!

Update 11:27 am

My appetite has ebbed a little so I've allowed myself one roasted chick pea. I'm still FREEZING though! I think I need to have some more tea or something else to warm me up!

Update: 12:25 pm

We have a visitor in the office so it seems a little unprofessional to fill the place with the smell of my food or the sound of me eating. So that has kept me off the food for a little while which is good. Thinking about food is just so distracting for me!

I'm not sure about how much I'll be eating tonight as J is planning on catching up with a friend later and it might or might not be dinner. If I budget for a big dinner then I should only have a tiny bowl of food for the rest of the day and I should wait because I'll only fade at 4 o'clock if I eat now. So I'm playing it safe and doing just that.

I was thinking this morning about bringing sesame snaps to work - one of those would be perfect right now! Oh well, I'll just wait instead.

Update: 1:15 pm

I had my plate of mung beans, rice and veggies and it cost me about 200 Cals. So given 200 for breakfast and the juice I had in my water I'm already up to 500! Why is food so fattening!??!?

Update: 3:00 pm

I'm really getting into my work at the moment, instead of letting it pile up on top of me and it feels really good! It's funny, the eating has been distracting me from work but work can just as easily distract me from the eating if I really get into it and try to get through it!

I've just stopped for a couple of minutes' break because I'm getting all buzzed and overwhelmed with my own success LOL! Time to slow down and take a nice cup of tea or glass of water then re-focus again for the next 2 hours.

I've re-filled my water jug including just a splash of juice, about 100 mL or 50 Cals. Just enough so that my brain doesn't drown.

Update: 4:40 pm

I've been very restricted today and I know it's not the healthiest thing to say but the truth is that I'm actually very proud of myself and I find myself thinking "Now I should fight the temptation to really indulge myself because I've 'earned' it." While it can't hurt to stop thinking of food as a "reward" I know I'm not going to get any happier by fighting it either.

Well, I'll just have to see what the night brings. I obviously don't want to degenerate into a binge, I don't see why I should indulge myself in "extras" - I'll just try my hardest to take it easy!

Diary for 16 December

2008-12-16T09:07:00.007+11:00

Well I haven't exercised properly in a while but I'm still feeling the last set of weights!

Today I'm wearing basic slimming black and guess what? I didn't weigh myself this morning!

I also haven't been on any pro-ana sites since the weekend, maybe even since Friday!

This morning's breakfast was about 300 Cals. I had a bowl of rice porridge poured over 5 prunes with a squeeze of lemon and a splash of tamari. Mmmmmmm I love that salty and sour combination of lemon and soy! It's also good if you mix in some tahini and use it as a sauce.

Before leaving the house I had my cup of matcha tea. Oooohh! Yummo! A bit strong though, I can understand why the tea ceremony starts with an entire meal.

At my desk... I've filled up my water jug with some juice and sparkling water again, this time it's a big serve of juice, maybe around 300 mL which is 135 Cals. I'm just guessing here, really. It's only 750 mL of water too, I'm halfway through it already!

I've got myself a special treat today, I bought a new organic green tea: it's Indian chai (yes, but unfermented, a brilliant innovation if ever there was one!) flavoured with aniseed, caraway, ginger, liquorice, cardamom, cinnamon, pepper and cloves. Where most herbal teas list a series of ailments longer than the space shuttle's pre-launch checklist, this one specifically says that it's not for treating any disease, it's just tea for drinking. Despite that disclaimer, anyone who knows their herbs will recognise that the flavourings are digestives, that Indian tea is generally designed to help digest a big meal and well, yeah I think it will help keep my intestines and bowel happy on those occasions where perhaps they're wondering why I'm neglecting them.

I'm a bit stressed today that maybe I'll overeat again. I'm craving every food under the sun! I'm craving Japanese salty pickled plums with plenty of every flavour.

I'm making mung beans tonight for dinner - I'm serving them with fresh coriander and I'll do the rice with lemon and a little chilli. I may need to get more rice and lemon, but I already bought the chilli and coriander.

I've got bread and fruit for lunch so that I can make a sandwich or just chop up some fruit, whichever I prefer.

Fingers crossed and thinking ... um, moderation and confidence!

Update 10:20 am

I feel like there's an empty fireplace inside me wanting to burn up all the food in the world!

I've had a warm cup of bouillon with some lemon squeezed in (mmmm yummy and only 10 Cals) and now I'm going to fill up my water bottle (another 90 Cals in juice of course) and maybe fetch some more green tea. That stuff is amazing!

Update: 1:00 pm

Here's a picture of my lunch!

Yeah, I eat off small plates. OK that's a slice of gluten free bread with a scraping of almond, hazelnut and cashew butter and liberally smeared with half a banana. Then there's some watermelon that I had to get me started.

I'm still so hungry! Anyway I'm keeping in good spirits today. I estimate the whole thing is about 400 Cals. Watermelon's not very fattening but gluten-free bread spread with nuts and bananas can be very fattening indeed!

I'm going to wash the whole thing down with a second cup of green chai. I wish I could post the aroma for you to smell!

Update: 2:40 pm

I've sated my rumbling tummy with another cup of bouillon and lemon and another 10 Cals I guess. That's it for food until dinner. I've had 945 Cals and that's a fair amount to get through before even looking at dinner!

Mmm.. I've just been invited to another pool party by this guy. Yeah, I could handle that kind of unwinding. Not sure about the jacuzzi but I'm in favour of the general concept. I'll see what my bf thinks of a little evening out.

Update 11:20 pm

Well the evening out went well. Instead of exercising we relaxed in the jacuzzi and took a refreshing dip in my friend's pool.

Returning home, I had about 2 serves of rice crackers (200 Cals) along with a few grapes and 3 almonds, about 1200 for the day.

The mung beans are cooked and look delicious! I'm also making almond milk for the morning.

Nothing more to report here today really, I'm just relaxing and looking forward to tomorrow working hard and getting things done.

Eat right for your type

2008-12-15T12:55:00.004+11:00

We all know the body will respond differently when you start asking different things of it or treating it differently. How we compensate for our body's response to challenge will depend on the individual.

I'm looking at Ayurveda, the traditional Indian medicine. While it uses terms and parameters that are unfamiliar to those of us accustomed to modern scientific medicine, it is nevertheless based on thousands of years of wisdom and experimentation.

Like many of you I'm sure, my body type is Vata. This means my body is thin, I'm prone to dryness and often have wandering thoughts (also known as creative temperament). Maybe Vata is behind all the indie music stars with ED? In any case, I'm definitely a classic example!

Vata basically means dryness - it is composed of the elements air and aether and an imbalance in Vata can result in nervous tension, cramps, pain, anxiety, insomnia, bloating, constipation and dryness!

How is Vata imbalanced? Fasting and excessive exercise are to be avoided by Vata types! Variation in routine , drinking cold beverages or eating too many raw foods can also lead to an excess of Vata!

The good news is that all these effects are reversible by carefully balancing one's diet.

All the sites linked to above have solutions for me:

Eat plenty of fruit - dried or fresh
Drink warm beverages and eat warm cooked veggies rather than raw ones
Take nuts for protein (the oil helps) - mung beans are healthy too but generally beans and legumes are to be avoided.
Basmati rice is my friend!!
Drink warm milk (in my case rice or almond milk - not soy because it is a legume)
Take salty, sweet or sour flavours rather than bitter or astringent
Keep exercise gentle rather than rigorous
Keep a routine and get enough sleep!

Whether I'm restricting or just taking care to watch my health, I will be sure (delighted, actually!) to follow this advice.

Musings and diary

2008-12-15T09:17:00.007+11:00

The main reason I'm doing this is because I am unhappy with my career, I see a lot less purpose in what I'm doing than in my dreams... I am a musician, I even have dreams of recording an album and plan to audition for the next Aussie Idol if they do it again this year (they're bound to do something).

Anyway, it's not really an end in itself, being thin. It's about creating a certain impression, a certain mystique, even in business. It's about being tall and glamorous and impressive...

Somehow being born with green eyes just wasn't enough.

Last night and this morning I got hungry. I ate like 800 Cals of rice pasta at dinner (oh, and then there's all the extra I ate and purged without any emotion just because I really wanted to fill up on something sweet) and at breakfast this morning about another 700 in dried fruit and leftovers actually.

Now I feel full. Now I feel OK. Now I have the will to diet again.

My goal weight is 58kg which is only 3kg lighter and a BMI of 18. Why? Because that's about the size your average model has to be. That's about the size that I'll look good in a music video, and that is my real, secret, hidden ambition. I'm almost too old now, but I've got talent and I've still got a few looks left, besides they have botox now.

Now that I'm nearly at that goal I should really focus more on maintaining and sculpting.

At my desk I've almost had 1.5L of water already! I bought some Perrier and mixed it with some Breakfast Juice (Aussie girls will know what I mean). I don't measure things out so precisely yet, but I think it's about 90 Cals.

Yesterday afternoon I also had a snack at afternoon tea time of a few bits of fruit and a couple of forkfulls of salad and wrote them down dutifully (my phone actually has a file saying one olive, etc) but anyway it doesn't matter, it was about 80 Cals and I weighed exactly the same this morning as I did yesterday morning.

Better get to work, the boss just arrived.

Update 10:47 am

I didn't mention this morning's cup of matcha tea - I don't generally record how much tea or black coffee I drink. I've also had a few nibbles of nuts and sultanas (about 50 Cals) and poured a second jug of water and juice (about 80 Cals)

Today I'm a bit fed up with being constipated from my digestive system being on a slow-down! This morning's prunes and tea and plenty of water seem to be helping to move things which is obviously a much more comfortable feeling but actually I'm feeling a bit overstimulated. Stupid body! Well, I can't stay mad at it, I've really given it hell the last few weeks. It's important to put a bit of food through it from time to time I guess.

Update 11:22 am

Ick! I can't stop snacking on nuts! It's always one thing or another with me! Add another 100 Cals to the daily count.

I've done some reading and discovered that there may be a scientific basis to my addiction to fruit and nuts and my current state of ill health since I've been cutting nuts right out of my diet - I'm actually better off sticking to them according to ayurveda, but more on that later. Now I'm having a nice warm water with a piece of lemon in it. Yummy!

Update 1:25 pm

I've had a fruit bar for lunch: 126 Cals.

I kind of have already reached a certain point now where I've probably eaten about enough until dinner and should hold off on mid-afternoon snacking. I'm also feeling much more comfortable in myself than I have for a very long time so maybe I won't feel the urge to overdo it much. I'm sure I'll eat at least 1500 Cals today, maybe even 2000, but I don't think that's too much for just this once! And I'm sitting on my ball and I'll go to the gym!

Now I'm just fretting about my performance review at work!

Update: The next day

Well when I let myself go I still completely binge. I ate so much fruit and nuts yesterday, I was quite uncomfortable by the time I went home! I also ate (and purged) 3 muesli bars. I was so tired by the end of the day, I went home, forgot about dinner and went straight to bed!

Keeping it strong

2008-12-14T07:11:00.005+11:00

Starting BMI: 18.6

Yesterday's post provoked some lovely replies. Thanks for your encouragement and I'm sure I don't need to hold on so tight to the notion of never having seconds. I worry very much about being a greedy pig and I don't like overdoing things.

I also worry about getting my body right! It's not yet there and last night I could have sworn it was so much bigger!

I don't really want to weigh this morning but here goes....

hmmm 61 kg. No change. I guess that's not so worrying.

I'm getting for my breakfast a cup of matcha tea and sliced bread with marmite, probably about 150 Cals. Then I'm going to do some good lower body training!

Update 8:00

I had my breakfast and did some reading about training but I just feel so tired; I don't want to do any training! Also I'm still hungry after my breakfast, I hope this doesn't become one of those greedy bingey Sundays!

Being a little shy on fresh fruit at the end of the week, I get myself a couple of spoonfuls of leftovers and a small prune juice. About another 150 Cals.

By this stage I feel full but I still feel hungry too!

I try peppermint chewing gum but its artificially flavour is too difficult to stand at this time of morning!

So I'm at a bit of a loose end. I will start with some stretching and see if I can drag myself to the gym for some cardio.

Update 11:10 am

I did about 25 minutes of cardio and some abductors, adductors and bridges - I'll do plies and squats and lunges at some point.

I'm now having morning tea: a milkshake containing

1 cup of rice milk: 126 Cals

1 tsp carob: 6 Cals

1 tsp flax seeds: 15 Cals

2 tsp goji berries: 15 Cals

Total: 162 Cals

Maybe it sounds awful but it actually tastes very good.

Happy Weekend!

2008-12-13T07:49:00.004+11:00

Starting BMI: 18.6

My theme for this weekend is cleaning.

You may notice that my BMI is approximately stable. Time to do some more toning so I can lose, gain or stay happy not wanting to! I haven't done any serious gym all week because I've been working so hard. Well today it's got to be some upper body training (not lower, I need it but I'm walking all day) then a flurry of activity!

Today I feel a lot less dysmorphic than I have all week. My coffee didn't cause my leg to explode into cellulite and I look pretty thin. I still don't want to gain but I'm less likely to panic about the concept.

I started with 3 prunes (60 Cals) for breakfast, now it's 7:57 and I just need a couple of glasses of water before the gym

Update: 4:30 pm

This is from my notebook.

I didn't go to the gym this morning because we lost time so I'll have to go soon.

First at 10:30 I indulged myself with some cappuccino from the chocolate shop. I was with friends so I really enjoyed it! about 160 cals, they put real grated chocolate on top!

I was slightly anxious while waiting for the coffee but I really enjoyed it and drank it quickly.

We went to the censorship rally at 12 o'clock then had a drink with some people we met there. I had a herbal tea and felt happy to see old friends.

By lunch I was quite hungry! We went to a vegetarian cafe and I had daal. J helped me finish it so only 250ish cals. I took home a date and carob ball for dessert and it was far too decadent, I only had half! About 60 Cals I think.

I'm thinking of leftover rice for dinner and simply must insist on some exercise at some point! Not just yet, though...

Update 9:25 pm

The evening started so well, I did 25 minutes of cardio and some weights, but then the whole thing just degenerated into an enormous whale stuffing food into her face to expand her enormous body.

I had quinoa, tofu and rice with tahini and tamari. I made a salad to go with it and probably ate 900 cals by the time I purged. My bf says I'm being hard on myself but I'm just so ugly! He must think he can't do any better to want to stay with such an enormous whale!!!

Grey day

2008-12-12T09:27:00.010+11:00

It's raining outside and I cried half the morning.
BMI: 18.6

I came to the office in my jeans that are too tight and ate around 100 cals of nuts and raisins while drinking my ginkgo tea.

I just want to raid the coffee pot but I don't have any fresh milk and I'm not sure I should have any while my legs are so big anyway.

I decided not to have any alcoholic drinks at today's events. I also don't think I'm having any dinner because it's a cocktail place and they do tapas, and there's nothing on their menu I eat. So I can probably have a bit extra at lunch - I'll probably have some bean curd rolls and some steamed broccoli. Actually I'll probably end up sharing a couple of dishes with the other vegetarian and sitting over my bowl talking and moving the food.

I'm definitely having the coffee though.

Update 10:42 am

I had the coffee and some candy bar - just a few nibbles and I threw the rest out. About 25 Cals. I am constantly being watched and judged and it's driving me to distraction!

Update 3:12 pm

I have no idea why my bf thinks I'm hinting him something. Anyway I was probably a bit quiet and tense at lunch compared to normal but I had half a bean curd roll (which I didn't realise would be fried! Ick!) and two bowls of rice and chilli veggies. We also ordered crispy bean curd but I didn't actually eat any. It looked like it was crumbed anyway. I was the only person who didn't have alcohol. Everyone else had wine or beer.

All up maybe my meal was 500 cals. Seemed pretty rich anyway. The thing about that kind of thing is that you can't just stop eating for a bit. I was taking tiny little nibbles of rice but it's hard to do that with big chunks of bok choy so you clear your bowl so quickly if you're not careful!

Back at the office I'm having another coffee (mmmm sooo good and I'm sooo tired but I think I'll chuck out half and swap to green tea) and getting back to the rest of the afternoon, what remains of it. I'm so glad lunch is over!

Update 3:58 pm

I should also mention that I had about a dozen sultanas for dessert. Just to get the flavour out of my mouth although what I really want is to brush my teeth!

More mint and green tea!!!

More water, too, I'm getting a bit dehydrated! I always forget to drink water and I've no idea why. I used to be obsessive about it because mum always said drink water and you'll feel full.

I'm thinking about tonight. The bar we're going to does tapas but their functions menu has fruit platters. I don't really need much more food today, I'm already feeling pretty queasy. Hope my bf understands!

Update 9:29 pm

At the party I was rather upset from talking to J about my ED. We didn't stay long, and I just had a mineral water.

When we got back I had half a pack of sultanas and a little more goji. About 120 Cals. Now I'm cooking a little rice and will make some tea.

Update 10:15 pm

I had some rice with soy, a little lime and tahini over an apple bringing me up to 1100 for the day. I'm scared of binging even though I'm at a good point right now I'm hungry! So I allowed myself a teeeeeeeny bit more rice, like 50 Cals, and now I haven't finished it but I really do feel OK now!

A good day all up!

Psychological assessment

2008-12-11T17:03:00.002+11:00

Well some girls dread it but I was actually looking forward to it. I saw my GP to have a mental health plan written up and then a cognitive therapist for assessment so that she knows what to trat me for. Stressful!

But I handled the stress and didn't even drink coffee!

I go for my first proper therapy session on Thursday but I said I had to take something away with me. She said "do something positive for yourself every day" - so I'm dutifully heading out to have coffee with a friend soon!

She also instructed me to keep a food diary, particularly paying attention to my emotions when eating. I gave her this address. I felt like "Miss Organised" - I had all my papers in order, I'd done my homework. Only problem was that I have no self esteem, feel like a square peg in a round hole and oh yeah have this complete irrationality and delusion around food and my body.

All in all, I'm glad I went. I don't want to hate myself. I'm not even that skinny although I guess I do OK, I'm really just in a crisis of knowing what to do with myself. So I think she will really help.

Strong and determined: Diary for 11 December 2008

2008-12-11T09:18:00.005+11:00

This morning started out a bit on the restricted side. I spent 30 minutes on the elliptical machine and then found it a bit difficult to eat but at least had half a muesli bar (60 cals) and I brought the other half with me to finish as I work, when my stomach settles down... I also did a few sit-ups and push-ups and had a big cup of matcha tea to ensure that any energy defecit would come from my unwanted fat rather than my much-valued muscle.

I have in the past wasted away to almost no muscle at all and while I've no desire to be all bulky like a body-builder, I do want to make sure that I have plenty of muscle and good strong tone, rather than some skin, some fat and very little strength underneath. I was extremely impressed that I managed the 30 minutes (with the machine set on total body work-out) because I've never achieved more than about 20 before!

Today's diary includes 2 medical appointments and a cocktail party in the evening. Should be a busy one!

Update: 11:36 am
I supplemented my breakfast this morning with some nuts and raisins of around 50 Cals.

I've already eaten my banana so that's about 90 Cals.

I've got my curriculum vitae and application letter ready to send. I've got to confirm at least one referee and then it's press go! Now I'm off to the GP for my mental health care plan.

I don't want to eat any more now. Actually thinking about it makes me go ick! I will try again later perhaps.

Update: 4:34 pm
After going to the GP and psychologist for complete assessment I am of course exhausted! I have had a Leda Triple Berry bar (125 cals) and a good handful of nuts and sultanas (another 125 cals) for my afternoon meal.

I gave the psych the address of this blog although I don't know what she will think of it. Probably that I should channel my writing more creatively. I'll have to give her the address of my "official" projects so she doesn't think I only write about food although they are far less developed than this blog!

Not sure about exercise after work, I've just emailed a friend about doing some low-key and generally relaxing activity in the form of a catch-up.

Update: 9:29pm

Dinner was lovely. We had a nice stroll around the city, I had a half glass of champagne, then for dinner a juice, some salad and I shared rice and greens with J. Next time I'd skip the salad!

We've a teeny bit of chocolate for dessert but I'm only taking a taste.

Sleep deprived but satisfied

2008-12-11T01:00:00.003+11:00

Satisfied that I have done everything I can to get the secretary job I most wanted in the world EVER, I do not mind the last few nights without sleep. In fact, I feel energised and strong because of the deliberate effort toward a goal - and having achieved everything I need for the dreaded phone call and having my official application letter and CV in order, I'm feeling a great sense of having achieved that goal!

In fact, reading that back I realise what a more noble goal that is than restricting.

I'm still full of beans and want to do some exercise but I really need to get to bed, I'll fall asleep instantly I'm sure.

Good night!

Diet diary for 10 December

2008-12-10T22:32:00.003+11:00

Despite being stressed and tired I ended up eating about the same sort of quantity that I was doing last week.

About 430 cals during the day at work (as healthy energy snacks)

And about 600-700 cals for dinner (as a rice paper roll, some tofu and some soup)

I'd like to do some exercise to build strength but I'm stuck here in front of the computer working on my resume and application letter. Speaking of which, I think it's back to work for me!

I did sit on my ball all day and got out for a little bit of walking but it was generally not an active day.

Dealing with stress

2008-12-10T13:27:00.004+11:00

This morning's entry was driven by stress - I find it hard to feel I'm on top of things around me, so I responded by cutting out food.

J has since caught up with me for a chat and some lunch. I bought some trail mix and some sesame snaps and had about 300 high-quality calories. Both had chocolate in so I was a bit naughty, but only in a good way!

I'm so exhausted this afternoon, there's not much keeping me off coffee. I reasoned that a few cups of green tea is as good as one cup of coffee and has plenty of vitamins and other nutrients so I'm planning ot power through the green tea instead. Bodhidharma would approve - rumour has it that the first tea trees grew from his own eyelids when he cut them off to stop himself from falling asleep. Thus determining once and for all that zen monks should drink tea to keep themselves awake.

I may continue to pick at the trail mix. It's 377 cals in total (plus the 30 I already had as a sesame snap).

I talked to my counsellor at the clinic and although they have me on their waiting list, she said to make an appointment post haste! So I've got to make an appointment for the counsellor and the GP by the end of the day.

Update: I've made appointments with a GP and a psychologist for tomorrow. I've finally told my boss what's going on and she understands why I need to take some time off and that I fully intend to make it up.

Think positive, start anew!

2008-12-10T08:05:00.003+11:00

I realised after looking at HC's blog that I'll never get very far while I'm filled with negativity!

So I did some reading and found the following quote from my favourite philosopher:

In the beautiful, man sets himself up as the standard of perfection; in select cases he worships himself in it. . . . Man believes that the world itself is filled with beauty - he forgets that it is he who has created it. He alone has bestowed beauty upon the world - alas! only a very human, an all too human, beauty.
-Friedrich Nietzsche

I love the way Nietzsche really tears our assumptions to shreds. Asceticism is a powerful thing but to do it for beauty is to buy into illusion. It's probably worse than sitting and gorging ourselves because it provides a solution without addressing the problem - the question one should be asking is "what do I really want?"

Well I want power! I want to be strong and in control!

To do this I have to be able to control my body and go without if necessary. Some of the other ana girls have been doing this consistently for months and years, while I've been indulging myself and growing lazy for the last few years and only been ana again for the last month.

I'm now fasting, not because I think I should regularly do so, but because I want to prove to myself that I can and achieve the strength of character that comes with that knowledge. It takes more than just food to beat me!

Exhausted and losing strength

2008-12-10T07:41:00.002+11:00

Yesterday was a mia day. I didn't finish my diary because I was up writing the perfect job application for the "perfect job" and I guess I got distracted.

Because I was so passionate about this job I wanted to have enough nutrition to think clearly so as I was already exhausted anyway I basically stuffed myself. Yesterday was a mia day.

Today I will compensate somewhat for yesterday's excesses and build strength in my self. I've got a jug of lemon water and some green tea and that's all I need. I'm covered in make-up and I haven't weighed myself because I frankly don't want to know.

Today I don't want to be "better" - I want to be stronger than this weak body!

Sooooo tense

2008-12-09T17:03:00.002+11:00

I think one of the worst things about ana is being stuck in one place while feeling really tense and stressed. I have to get out of the office and go HOME but I don't want to look like an early quitter!

I'm just sitting here on my ball, bouncing around the room and chewing gum, not focusing at ALL but stuck here nonetheless!

This is the main reason I want to be self-sufficient one day - so that I can manage my own time - oh what bliss it will be!!!

I've already got so stressed today that I binged and purged, now I really really want to go home to the gym! I think I'm just going to say I've got an appointment with J and go. It's mostly true anyway, we're supposed to go to the gym together and we even have a party invitation for later if we feel like it.

Of course I also have to pull together my resume, do some of my own writing and maybe have a look at the office website.

I HATE being stuck in one place, it drives me crazy!

Hell, it's not like I had a proper lunch break, just a big binge at my desk!

I want to binge all over again for dinner too! Mostly because I don't know what else to do. Damn I'm so unimaginative! Not to mention disgusting!

Applying for a new job

2008-12-09T08:36:00.002+11:00

I am starting to realise that part of the stress that has brought on this relapse has been related to my lack of job satisfaction. In fact, everyone is sick of hearing me complain about it!

The fact is, as a mathematically minded person, I just love to sink my teeth into problems, sort them out and move on! This job doesn't call for that at all- it needs someone who feels most comfortable in a static environment.

I've found a job that I think I will absolutely LOVE - I'm so excited I'm ready to run around the office screaming with joy! But obviously that would be a little unprofessional - I'll be calling a resume workshop with my most slick resume spinners instead.

Applications are due Thursday. Wish me luck!!!

Diary for 9 December

2008-12-09T06:42:00.005+11:00

I think I'm too tired to really exercise today, even to sit on the fit ball, so this may be a diet diary only. I didn't really sleep much last night (up cleaning etc) so I'll be drinking green tea by the gallon. No coffee - if it's going to give me cellulite then I don't want it!

I'm having some breakfast before I leave the house to start work early. Green tea, a grapefruit, a banana. Couple pieces of apple. Maybe 180. I'm going to take those date and coconut rolls to work today and of course some of the tabbouleh I made last night (looks really good and I know it has very little fat in it).

There's a party tonight that I probably won't get to. It's a pool/jacuzzi party and I'm sure will be fun but there's work tomorrow and I really don't want to be going around in a swimsuit, even though it's not going to be the "trendy" crowd who are all smaller than me.

Bulimia: I still haz it
I am very hungry today because I am tired - my defences are down and I'm eating.

I had a packet of sultanas for morning tea. One pack is 114 Cals

For lunch I binged. I brought tabbouleh and I guess it must have been about 500 Cals, I'm not sure. I have no idea how much I binged at lunch. I purged up the rice crackers I ate afterwards but I couldn't get all of it out.

Oh well, it's vitamins I guess.

I suck. Guess I should just try to get through the rest of the day somehow. I wish I had more energy, more focus, more drive. Food doesn't give me that!

I would have been OK if there weren't so many people in here and I could have gone on Prettythin for support. Well, I have to be able to stick to my diet when people are around, I can't just be on the web all the time! I have an actual job to do, yeah?

Haircut

2008-12-09T01:12:00.003+11:00

Because I've been dying my hair red so long, the change of colour will necessitate a certain amount of compromise where length is concerned. I like to wear rockin' bobs so I've chopped one out! Lots of layers and don't hold back on the choppiness is my motto.

It's still reasonably long but with the layers you can just shake it around every which way.

It's already revitalised the red and should look absolutely awesome with some blonde in. The professional advice has been to start with some highlights and move forward from there - if I do it will be super dooper blonde highlights and then straight into it with the toner to get the red out!

Yes I cut my own hair. Some people see it as a sign of madness but actually most people don't believe I do it myself so I'm going to interpret that as a sign of talent instead!

I had a coffee this evening and of course the laksa with noodles - anyway I went off my detox and my cellulite doubled in size just as it was just about gone. Coincidence? It's not the first time this has happened so NO!

Hyperactive / Insomnia

2008-12-08T22:24:00.002+11:00

Hmm... After being so exhausted earlier I would expect to come home and fall asleep but instead I'm so full of energy! There are so many things I want to do here - I think the exhaustion and distraction at work are really just my way of acknowledging that maybe I'm not feeling that fulfilled by doing a lot of nothing all day!

I'm going to have a coffee, stay up a bit and get some things done. I know it will make me feel much better and is a great way to get a few things knocked out of the way.

I've already made a huge tabbouleh for tomorrow's lunch, some salad for dinner (there's leftover noodles for J) a fruit salad for J's breakfast (I'm helping him lose weight naturally) and now I'm back onto the washing. Next I'll have a go at some work I brought home.

Yeah my back's still a bit sore, my feet are a bit tired - but actually I'm tremendously full of beans. I also have a lot of writing I really want to get onto!

Grey Ana: A middle path

2008-12-08T12:37:00.002+11:00

As a believer in Buddhism I am extremely concerned by some of the extremism that goes into the websites dedicated to ED.

Of course as perfectionist with obsessive-compulsive tendencies, extremism is what we do best. We are either pro-ana or anti-pro-ana or pro-recovery or something.

Buddha saw this as a prince, where he first lived in opulence and then upon discovering the world outside the palace walls, went into the world and studied asceticism, eating nothing for an improbable number of days, holding painful meditation poses and so on.

He eventually settled on the Middle Path. His method is rooted in simple principles: be good to others, be good to your own body, be honest in all your dealings with others and true to yourself.

After dabbling in pro-anorexia and having spent some time looking at pro-recovery I think both urges are part of who I am. But most importantly the extremism of either side is not going to make me a better person. I know that the treatment of anorexia is actually dedicated to finding a happy healthy middle between strict control and losing all control as we fear... but I do believe that the people who demonise anorexia as if it really were a devil that could be driven from young girls' bodies are on the wrong path.

The middle path of the meditator would seem to be the path that accepts the illness and acknowledges the thoughts that come with it, but apply the lens of wisdom to those irrational thoughts and feelings. Instead of "I must eat this to recover" or "I must not eat this or I will get fat and FAIL" the meditator would instead consider the calorie count of the item in question, consider whether it has been a high-calorie day and most importantly consider one's level of hunger in order to decide what the wise course of action would be.

Accepting and embracing the illness is essential to recovery from a meditator's point of view but most importantly if research indicating a biological etiology is correct then anorexia nervosa is not a disease to be attached to a set of symptoms: it simply is a part of who I am, and by rejecting it I am rejecting myself. Yes, that part of me can lead me astray and just like my impulsive sense of humour needs to be kept in check in some social situations, so my weight and attitude to food needs to be monitored to ensure I am living a healthy lifestyle.

So I hereby declare the Grey Ana movement open!

I have set up a chat room for those of you who would really like to explore this concept and I will be exploring my philosophical and scientific beliefs on personality more within this space.

Stay strong, sisters! Embrace yourselves and love your minds and bodies!

Another work week: Diet and exercise diary

2008-12-08T06:07:00.009+11:00

Starting BMI: 18.6

The high degree of fluctuation is partly mediated by my dodgy spring-loaded bathroom scales. I bought cheap so that I wouldn't obsess over tenths of a kilogram.

I look: Actually this morning I think I look OK. Not perfect, of course. Tanned (bottle) and pretty from the waist up with some muscle tone showing but plenty of room for further improvement, particularly from the waist down.

I feel: Energetic and hopeful in general but sore in the shoulders from last night's training!

Pre-workout breakfast is sultanas and goji berries because they are supposed to help you to "go harder" and I could use that kind of lift! (40 cals)

Warm-up: Carmen Electra's "Dancer's wam-up"

Cardio: Just the cardio section from Fit to Strip. Can't handle the strength stuff, maybe tonight when I've had a chance to recover from last night's training!

Inspirational thought for the day: Please enjoy this essay about "unwisdom"

Start of the work day 9:20 am
I didn't have much time for breakfast so I whizzed up some prune juice, a tiny banana and some raspberries to make a delicious smoothie! About 200 Cals.

I've brought a grapefruit and some strawberries for lunch (150 Cals) so there's very little temptation to binge since there's nothing really to eat.

I haven't yet set up my jug of water (drinking some mint green tea) and I'm so tired from all the exercise I feel sure I'm going to pour a big jug of coffee at some point! Must stay strong and detox!

The fitness plan for the day simply involves taking advantage of the Swiss ball, doing plenty of isometric exercises.

A friend (my hiking buddy) texted me about catching up for a coffee - he knows I'm struggling a bit so it will be super wonderful to catch up and talk. I texted him on Friday asking if he thought 500 cals was enough. He sent me back a firm "No, 2000 calories is standard." He's seen me do this before and is great at combatting my irrationality with sheer reality!

After lunch...
I enjoyed the "coffee" (I actually had mineral water) and got a good talking to! Seems Michael Phelps sets the standard for caloric intake and the 2000 yesterday wasn't enough after all! WTF?

Anyway I came back to my office, ate a grapefruit, about 10 organic strawberries, a brazil nut and some sultanas, maybe 200 cals.

I'm thinking about the rice crackers or my tofu in the fridge. Oh yes, I'm thinking about them. Thinking about how terrible it will be if I eat them! About how I will be a failure at everything I ever attempt or do if I eat anything else for lunch.

1:00 pm - Having invented a new movement after lunch I've decided to eat a piece of tofu from the fridge and mabye get back to work!

2:00 pm - I had some food, not tofu in the end but some nuts, sultanas and rice crackers, about 100 Cals. I feel the urge to continue eating but I now recognise the urge to binge and I'm attempting to simply recognise it, accept it and let it go.

4:30 - I'm sooo starving! Had some more nuts and sultanas about 100 Cals. Guess I'm sorted for protein and carbs to see me through the gym later!

I could just FALL ASLEEP at my desk!

8:20

Waaay to tired to cook something nutritious, I sort of sent J out for laksa. We shared a laksa and steamed veggies and I put out some sultanas and goji for dessert. It's kind of been my candy obsession the last few days!

Must have been about 1000 Cal, it was a good sized meal and I stuck to the bits from the soup, not the coconuty milky bit.

Not entirely the raw food extravaganza I had planned for myself but I feel pretty good about now! Although I didn't realise it was so late.

Must really make up some salads though! Otherwise I won't make them as I want them.

Transitioning from pro-ana to pro-recovery

2008-12-07T07:31:00.004+11:00

I'm so sick of hating myself and I hate even more that I should feel guilty for the illness that leads me to this behaviour. I get so many compliments on my slim appearance and it makes me want to scream "You know nothing of the suffering behind this shape! It's not willpower or strength causing it!"

But we don't talk about it because you don't admit weakness except maybe to your closest family members.

I think that pro-ana has a lot to offer the person who is thinking about recovery. If I went on prettythin.com and said my minimum food for the day was 600 cals I'm sure I'd get as much encouragement as if I said my maximum was 300. Most people know it's a disease and don't particularly want to have it, they just want to be able to talk about it honestly and openly.

My own experience of dishonesty, elaborate performance of eating, secret purging and restricting, contrasted with the acceptance I feel in the pro-ana world have convinced me that these sites really aren't out to make everyone sick. It is such a relief to talk about my goal weight without being put down, to talk about my bingeing without being judged, to discuss exercise and dieting without earning raised eyebrows. The health and fitness industry in particular distances itself from anyone who tries to use it to pursue anorexia nervosa publicly although it will happily embrace anyone with the physical appearance of ana.

It's a dirty little secret that illness is the key to beauty. And of course for many of us it takes over, tears us to pieces and eventually when there is nothing left but skin and bones, it takes our lives.

When I woke up this morning J had thoughtfully loaded some pro-recovery sites, some post-pro-ana sites if you will. We Bite Back is an example of the Internet community, fine-tuned to allow the same spirit of camaraderie that flourishes in pro-ana to be directed towards pro-recovery. Because eventually one day many of us are going to say "this is enough, I want to stop this cycle of hate." And if the resources are there when we need them, maybe we just might get better!

For those of you who are just like me on the fence, getting value from pro-ana, not yet ready to embrace fat but sick of hating yourself and wondering about recovery, please watch this video! It made me cry, it's so beautiful! And definitely one to share with anyone who knows and hates your pro-ana involvement.

I'm not ready to change everything overnight but I will be spending more time in the pro-recovery field on the other side of the fence, just to see what kind of life exists after ana. I don't know what I will see but I really want to know more!

Portion control: an old fashioned approach to social eating

2008-12-07T06:57:00.003+11:00

Well today it's a family dinner but on Friday it's the office party and there have been plenty of cocktail events all season too.

At social events large quantities of calories are consumed as alcohol and rich foods.

I do believe it is rather easy to say no to alcohol in a social sense. A diplomat once told me that there's no need to drink at cocktail parties and just one glass of wine at dinner is sufficient. (Yes the town is full of diplomats. This one came from the Mediterranean.)

I usually don't really have problems in turning down finger foods either. They are there for the taking and given that I don't actually eat them anyway, it's not a big deal. If it's something that I do eat, I tend to binge but I think the key is planning ahead and allowing a count of 100 or 200 and not exceeding that allowance, particularly if a rich dinner is to follow.

I have been to the ana-friendly restaurants that serve tiny portions in the middle of huge plates with all sorts of artful arrangements. I find that these restaurants tend have painfully slow service so that you stay there over 5 hours just waiting for your little plate of sprouts to emerge. This only encourages drinking and post-dinner snacking, not to mention the hours of fretting over the meal. Where it's my choice I usually opt for a place with speedier service that will send out a leaf salad and I can eat as much or as little as I want then get out of there.

With family dinners you don't get to pick the menu but you do have a better idea of knowing in advance what it will be and how rich they make it. For instance I've just done some calculations and decided one cup of lentil soup made by this family member is about 200 calories. 150 for a cup of less oily soup and just add 100 cals for another tablespoon of oil per cup of soup. She's going to serve me about 3 cups of soup in one bowl so I can put aside 600 for calories for that high-protein treat!

The salad is dressed and the vegetables are cooked in oil so I can generally estimate 200-250 calories for one cup of anything. I was actually going to take my own tabbouleh so that I can get some vitamins and iron without needing to take a lot of oil and salt although I don't know that a detox-tabbouleh would be particularly popular and is probably best saved for Monday lunch.

The dessert will be fruit - maybe a fresh platter, maybe strawberries sugared in vinegar. Whatever she does though, I will just ask for the plain version. Strawberries and cherries are only 4 Cals each so 5 strawberries, while it looks decadent is only 20 Cals after all. Peaches and mangoes are also good choices from the fruit platter at 61 cals per peach and 70 cals for half a mango.

The salt and oil in tonight's dinner will constitute an effective re-tox but it's OK because I need the nutrients, the day and a half of fruit will have made a huge difference and I'll start again with raw veggies on Monday morning!

Diet and exercise diary

2008-12-07T06:20:00.005+11:00

Day's base BMI: 18.9

Today's mood is energetic but somewhat muted through the fruit detox. As far as my body is concerned I might as well be fasting and have spent all of yesterday doing yoga! My head still hurts just a little so I'm going to focus on hydration today.

I'll be writing later about tactics for dealing with a big uncontrolled family dinner - tactics that will allow me to eat comfortably but hopefully avoid the binge demon!

The plan is to kick up the detox with some good quality all-over exercise (I'm coming to get you elliptical!) and take plenty of green tea, tisane and pure water!

10:40 am

I'm not the fittest girl in the gym at the best of times but despite my detox headache I've stretched out all my stiffness and did 15 minutes of moderate cardio before my knees started to really hurt and J showed up with fruit for smoothies. (I'm really aiming to strengthen those knees! They're my barrier to lots of exercise that could firm my thighs.)

I made us a smoothie each, mine had 1 grapefruit, 1 peach, 4 strawberries (all organic) and a handfull of frozen raspberries. So sour!

Approximately 250 Cals of fruity goodness - with plenty of positive detox for my dimply thighs. Feeling good!

2:30 - lunch

Finally recovering from the detox headaches and shakes I started to get rather hungry so I had another delicious fruit salad for lunch and a date roll (the leftover 2/3 actually) for dessert.

Ingredients:

1 small banana 84 cals

1 pear 96 cals

1 nectarine 60 cals

1 cup or maybe a bit more of watermelon 60 cals

some goji berries 112 cals

half a passionfruit (the other half is in the infuser for iced tea) 9 cals

total for fruit salad: 420

It's another 20 for the date roll bringing me to 690 for the day and a certain dilemma strikes because I'm starving hungry but dreading dinner. I might have another drink and take my book back to the gym!

End of day wrap-up

Well the family meal was rather anxiety-provoking but in the end I got through it - I ate some soup, some salad, some adorable little vine leaf rolls, and some fresh fruit. By the end of the meal I felt very full and estimated I had taken in 2000 cals during the entire day. I felt so guilty and immediately started planning a mitigation plan to compensate for this in the coming week.

As the soup contained beans I reasoned that this afforded a perfect opportunity to do some more exercise so I did a further 30 minutes of cardio, some weights, and finished with a final 10 minute burst of cardio. This combined with exercise from earlier might go some of the way toward mitigating any potential gain, or to making sure it goes to the muscles where it will tone me up and look good, not the fat!

Still, I'm terrified to weigh myself tomorrow morning! I'm reinstating my detox first thing in the morning by having a glass of prune juice for breakfast and a grapefruit for lunch or something healthy like that, I'm also fighting the urge to redouble my restricting efforts. I decided to make quinoa tabbouleh for dinner tomorrow with mixed leaves so it's another trip to the gym to do more weights and make the most of the quinoa!

I did decide to start getting up bright and early to go to the gym and get a start on the work day too - this will be healthy though and I'm sure I'll appreciate it.

The next social day is Friday - work lunch (I've pre-ordered a leafy salad) then J's work cocktails and dinner (I'll be drinking mineral water and avoiding all the food which is easy at a cocktail function) followed by the after party (should be pretty relaxed).

Are you detecting the indecision in my words? As if I'm not quite sure what I'll be doing about my diet? Me too, weird isn't it?

Why $700 retail therapy is good for my healing

2008-12-06T20:01:00.004+11:00

No it wasn't for presents - I haven't got that far yet!

Like many people with ED I don't really like to take care of myself and usually would rather buy presents for everyone else. But today I stopped to take care of me.

I've been saving money on food for the most part - most of the meals I eat are less than $5. So today I actually spent on top quality tea, organic fruit and veggies, juice and other treats. This means that even if I don't eat much I'm still getting really good nutrition.

I asked J if he would mind my buying a blender and stab mixer. This was a purchase for the home so I thought I should run it by him. Now we have both the ingredients and the apparatus that I can instantly mix myself a really healthy smoothie or anything like that should I be ready to eat something energy-dense or maybe when I am going to the gym.

I just wanted everything to be perfect in my home. I wanted the smell of delicious sweet Summery things so I bought 3 packages of incense sticks, organic fruit-scented body care products including some things I already had one of but it's fun to try other brands and flavours. They will last a long time so it's not an unreasonable expenditure, but it's just so indulgent to buy $200 worth all at once! The incense will probably also help with the fruit flies - unfortunately it's that time of year and there's not much you can do about them except keep them under control.

Finally, I replaced many of my worn out socks and stockings (I wear a lot of black because it's sexy, stylish and it matches - so I bought a few black staple items that will last a year or more) and I also bought some stunning accessories with butterflies and beads - just because it had been so long! I won't be looking for more accessories for maybe another six months. I'm a bit touchy about my hair because it's fine and tends to frizz if I'm not careful. I straighten it and now it's a real joy to have some beautiful new clips to hold it.

It will be a long time until my next splurge, maybe a month or two. The next few weeks will be moderate food shopping to top up anything I run out of combined with some gift shopping for family and friends. I might look for a heavily discounted suit or dress in the Boxing Day sale... to wear when promoting my new business of course!

Diet diary

2008-12-06T05:32:00.006+11:00

Starting BMI: 18.6 (remember, I'm tall so there's no point posting my weight!)

I always start the day a little thirsty and drink lots of water throughout the day! So yes my weight really does fluctuate as much as 2kg within a day depending on whether I need to pass water or solids ... I am sure today's detox will do me good and I promise not to weigh myself during the day!

I'm thinking about how I can't hike at altitude today but I still intend to do some good training - maybe a good number of squats, dips and plies to really focus on my knees and butt.

8:00 am: half a dried banana and half a date and coconut roll. 55 cals but wh0's counting?

I'm just looking forward to doing some shopping for some fresh fruit goodness!

1:00 pm: I've had the most lovely morning at the markets and bought the tastiest fresh organic food! For my lunch I've just had the ripest, juiciest yellow peach (61 cals) and 7 super sweet black cherries (28 cals).

I've been drinking water-diluted blueberry juice too, will post a count at the end of the day!

I've bought a blender, a stab mixer and a jug for infusions. :) I also bought some body care products that are going to smell absolutely divine, some incense too! And I really treated myself with 3 different tins of my favouritest brand of tea!

7:42 pm: Dinner count and drinks

For dinner I had a delicious fruit salad consisting of:

1 small banana = 84 cals

1 cup cherries = 74 cals

5 strawberries = 20 cals

1 nectarine = 60 cals

1 pear = 96 cals

1/2 packet sultanas = 57 cals

1 red grapefruit = 110 cals

1/3 cup of goji berries = 50 cals

It was impressive, topped with just a touch of lime juice and sums to 798 Cals

The blueberry juice I had in my water throughout the day was worth 167 Cals

After watching a movie with J I was still a bit peckish so I had 1/3 of a date and coconut roll = 10 Cals

Total so far is 1119 Cals - I feel quite fine but I have that headache and nausea that comes with each fruit detox I do no matter whether it's restricted or just one big juice-off!

I'm also rather thirsty so I'm pouring just 50 Cals of prune juice into another jug of filtered water. My bowel is a little confused as to why I ate all this fruit but not really freaking out! It's all good and I'm getting a handy detox. Feel like I just had an awesome massage.

Fighting the reluctance to eat

2008-12-05T19:13:00.004+11:00

It's nearly 7 o'clock so it's dinner time. I know that it's the appropriate time to eat and I'm even a little hungry I think. I'm thinking about how much I would enjoy a meal, that it would be nutritious and healthy...

But I just can't bear to put food in my mouth! I ate about 500 cals today and generally I've been fighting to keep my urge to binge low enough that I stay under 1400 or so.

But now all I can think about is my fat thighs and my fat everything and when I look at myself all I see is fat.

I have to eat something but I just can't. Maybe if I can just get a few crackers down I will have achieved something! I don't know what to do. I hate this feeling of limbo - of wanting to diet but hating the terror that I feel when I think of food.

I can feel my fat tummy bunching up as I sit over the keyboard!

ARGH! I can't stand any of this! I don't know what to do! I'm just going to let myself eat as and when I feel I'm up to it.

Update - 7:40pm:

Omigoodness I just weighed myself and I've GAINED 1.5kg! What? How? This is so unfair!

It's probably all the salt from the salty food and the alcohol last night and everything. I've decided to just pack it all up, get myself back to some actual baseline of health and then focus on complete nutrition.

So I'm detoxing. Just fruit for the weekend, then back to the raw veggies. No cheating either! No added salt, no salty food, no oily food, no caffeine and no alcohol! Just getting all the rubbish out and the vitamins in! Giving my poor kidney a break! And like 3L of water each day because I've been drinking at least that much and still getting rather thirsty. But diluted with juice so I don't get unbalanced.

Sunday night is dinner with mum so that means a big meal - that's my only exception!

Update 8:47 pm: J phoned to point out that it's really hard to tone and lose at the same time so I shouldn't be upset and I was only sort of convinced but here's the weird thing - I weighed myself again and some of it was already gone again! Huh? Clearly there's a weird effect going on with fluids - and possibly with the scales too!

But I do still think detoxing is a good idea. BMI is currently 19.1, and I feel like a day trader!

Poll topic: Hair colour

2008-12-05T07:06:00.006+11:00

With an anonymous blog it's a bit difficult to ask for fashion advice but I am thinking about dying my hair to cheer myself up. At the moment I've got a sort of terracotta shade in and it needs fixing up anyway so I was thinking about going back to blonde or trying some other shade.

My current style is a sort of shoulder length bob with a fringe and some choppy layers so there's room to play with the colours in the shape or to just change the shape a bit. I want it to be fun!

Blonde is the feisty colour that gives me confidence but it's also a great way of signaling men that "I am soft porn for your viewing pleasure"

Brown is a muted colour that makes it easy to hide and can also be very sexy and mysterious in a hip hop kind of a way.

Black is not an option - it doesn't look good on me and I'm not prepared to discuss it. But black or dark brown would look pretty cool combined with some other colour.

Red is another old favourite of mine - it's easy to do and I know it's sexy in a brainy girl kind of way but as I'm already rather ginger I think it wouldn't be much of a change - plus it is a huge limitation on the clothes I can wear!

Purple is just a crazy notion and the one "not a real colour" that isn't just an intense red that you can actually kind of get away with!

Given my job one of the natural colours would seem to be indicated (maybe in an unnatural combination) and I'm tending towards blonde despite its implications just because it seems like I would enjoy it more than brown and I'm sick of red. But please vote in the poll or leave a comment if you have any favourite hair styles of the moment.

Very depressed - Friday 5 December 2008

2008-12-05T06:32:00.008+11:00

Last night I was so miserable with the flabby tree trunks that stand where my legs should be (rippled bark and all) that I said "fuckit, I'm knocking myself out with wine and a cigarette!"

I haven't woken up feeling any better about things.

I'm fat, I look old and wrinkled from all the arguments, my boyfriend wants to break up with me, I am not allowed to hike, I can't seem to poop and have to go around constipated, I get dizzy at random times, and I don't know what else to say that will effectively communicate how low I am.

The one thing that had been picking me up was J and now he is thinking about leaving too! I was pretending I was strong enough to just get on with things and be friends but actually it's a terrifying notion and also a disruption I really can't handle right now.

All I need is a coffee or 10 and a week off work where I can cry, rest, sleep, exercise and try to get my head together.

I've got the weekend coming up tomorrow for all those things and instead I have to go on an epic interstate journey I don't think I can handle and of course take care of other people's problems.

I always thought J was bothered by having me around the house - I try to keep quiet in the mornings so that he can sleep and stuff like that. Turns out he'd rather I took advantage of that time to just do some small cleaning and he's not bothered by much noise. I'm just going to make that coffee and do that cleaning before work and go to work and work until it's done and I can come home and sleep.

10:00am - I'm at work and I started the morning with a glass of prune juice mixed with sparkling mineral water. Sooo yummy! So I poured some prune juice into my jug of water for my electrolytes (got to put something in to 2.5 L of water!) and I think it's about 200 cals of prune juice for the day.

I don't know what prune juice is supposed to be - a prune is just a particular type of plum dried so they clearly have to re-hydrate it just to get the juice out! Weird, huh? Oh well, it's really sweet and yummy.

I also had a cup of coffee made with the hazelnut and rice milk that costs about $5 for a teeny carton. I figured if I am going to buy milk just for today it should be very tasty and it's sweetened with agave so it definitely is! (Agave is some kind of sweet cactus, sweeter than glucose so you need less carbohydrate for a certain quantity of sweetness.) Despite being made from hazelnut, it's only 89 cals for 100 mL and I think that's about what I had.

On a somewhat silly note... I haven't um... moved my bowels for a couple days and I'm starting to feel uncomfortable. I did some shopping for high fibre things to eat, like the prune juice and also some organic date and coconut rolls, and I almost bought psyllium husks but they said 98% pure and I keep wondering what the other 2% of the package is! Fibre is considered an important part of the "detox" process so I'm keen to up my intake. Another dieter has said that she basically fasts for about a week and doesn't lose any weight until she eventually moves her bowels and loses an enormous amount! I really can't handle the digestive slow-down and I'm keen to speed things up. No wonder girls start taking laxatives!

Hello! It's 2:00 and I've just finished lunch: half a small salad and a coffee for dessert. Most importantly there were cuddles with my hunny!

OK the salad was a bit energy dense bur really must have been no more than 100 and I think the coffee too because it was mostly foam. :) So that's a total of 200 cals

I'm still sitting on my fit ball today and I'm doing isometric contractions of my tummy and buttocks as well as bouncing around a little bit. I hope that helps because I want to get "better" as in stop feeling bad about myself but I really do want to be strong and toned and I think that's something our culture judges is a good thing!

At 4:00 I start to crash so I had a sandwich of tofu between 2 pieces of crispbread which is 130 cals and a coffee with just a splash of the yummy rice and hazelnut milk which is about 50 cals.
Also I refilled my water and put some prune juice in again so that's maybe another 50 cals.
I've put out a 30 cal date and coconut roll to reward myself but I'm going to eat it slowly and enjoy it!

Update! I only had half the coffee (replaced it with black!) and threw out 2/3 of the date roll. My running total for the day is 500 cals and all I can think about is my fat thighs. And my cellulite. ICK! I wonder if one of those vibrating hand-held massage things would help break down the fat in cellulite. I should order one of those Hello Kitty "personal" massagers over the net! LOL

10:00pm

I went to the gym for only about 10 minutes on the treadmill in which I burned a bit over 100 cals. That's all I had in me. I already did some squats and plies while watching TV (my knees are so weak!) and 35 sit-ups (legs pointed up in the air, it's harder than it sounds) so that just leaves upper body. I guess I could do a few push-ups before bed but now it's definitely sleepy time!

I talked to my daddy about how I couldn't eat anything tonight and he's proud of me for trying to be healthy and said just go to bed and try again in the morning. I love my daddy!

I almost told him about this blog but actually I think I prefer to keep it just between friends, it's confronting enough to have my boyfriend reading it and I don't think I could handle my parents phoning me up to say "what do you mean you purged 400 calories" or something like that! So far I've managed to keep it honest and I plan to stay that way.

ISP Filtering in Australia - Will pro-anorexia be included?

2008-12-04T12:55:00.003+11:00

There has been some discussion over the new non-negotiable illegal website filtering that will be immposed on Australians. Kevin-07 and Senator Conroy are determined to make our lives a little bit safer primarily by removing kiddie porn. At the moment there is a blacklist of 1300 sites that are being blocked in a trial.

We don't particularly mind having 1300 of the worst kiddie-porn pages removed from the millions of web sites available but we don't want the government forcing censorship upon us and we don't want them deciding what we should and shouldn't see!

The government claims here that this is only about kiddie porn and there is no intention to change the scope of the filtering but the rumours going around talk of other items eventually being considered for filtering, including pro-ana sites! Now I know they're not healthy and I shouldn't be on them, but I think that's MY problem - NOT Senator Conroy's!

Some ISPs are already participating in a trial and their customers may already be kicked off their favourite websites.

So - without further ado, here's how to get through an ISP filter in three easy steps

1. Open your internet settings and put in a different DNS server - here are some instructions that should get you through many filters.

2. Use a free proxy outside the country - try this search to identify potential proxies that might work on your favourite sites. All you have to do is enter the website of your choice into the proxy website - it serves your website as a page on its own so that the ISP thinks you are using the proxy site, not the main one.

3. Still having trouble? OK it's getting complex now so just download Tor and fire away! If you can afford to buy software then don't forget to donate them a few dollars for their effort. You could start with Tor but because it's quite secure it does put a little extra stress on your net connection and slow things down for you, so it's worth trying the others first.

Fuckit - Diary for 4 December

2008-12-04T11:14:00.005+11:00

I had a crappy morning with J today. We had a fight over nothing except all the destructive things I do. There's no way to win in a fight like that.

I've had about at least 500 cals this morning because I had a small breakfast and then binged in the office on some nuts, sultanas and rice crackers.

Now I am sitting here in my dress on my ball and feeling like absolute shit.

My thighs are huge, my belly is flabby, my shoulders and back are OK but extremely sore!

The doctor says I'm allergic to NOTHING which just means I don't have any anaphylaxis which I could already have told her so now I have to go to the immunologist during work hours for more tests and tests and tests. I also have to book in to the ED Clinic or try to organise a mental health care plan with the GP so that I can go to a psychologist privately. Or maybe even just blab to my boss about my ED and try to get an hour a week off work! Or maybe just tell them to fuck themselves and I'll start my OWN lobby group - with blackjack and hookers!

I'm not a happy girl today - just hope I cheer up in time for this evening's outdoor shivoo. I've already purchased snacks so it only remains to pick up a bottle and some cheap plastic glasses. Classy girl I am.

OK now it's quarter to 3 and I've had 2 enormous bowls of bouillon and at least another 200 cals worth of sultanas and brazil nuts. I'm feeling queasy and gassy and I'm sure the sugarfree gum hasn't helped one bit!

At 4:30 I'm about to start packing up my desk for the day and preparing to head home and out to this evening's social events. I've already put aside some snackeys so that I can have something low-cal: I've got some mung bean chips, some rice crackers and something else along those lines. I'm feeling much better in myself although I'm still pretty sure I'm huge - but it's not bothering me right now.

I feel like I'd probably have some champagne but I know that in the mood I have been in today, it's just going to make me really hate myself so perhaps it's better to just find something else to give me a buzz - some red bull, strong perfume, a cigarette - I don't really care what. But not a depressant.

At about 6:30 I realised I was so fat and miserable I couldn't see the point in dieting. I wanted a knock-out and I had about 3 glasses of wine. I also had about 300 cal of crackers and chips because I was indeed starving. I had an awful conversation with J about how we're not happy and we're not doing each other any good and went to a very unhappy sleep.

Kicking it up in the office

2008-12-03T12:52:00.003+11:00

Yeah I'm kicking it up a notch. BAM!

The comfortable chair upon which I usually sit while at my desk is just too easy to recline on. So I've grabbed the boss's fitball and rolled it over. We've actually got 3 balls in the office - but this one is a 65cm Swiss ball and reasonably well inflated so it's the favourite.

I'm also doing isometric abdominal contractions - basically it's holding your stomach in and strengthens the support muscles at the back of the abdomen as well as the lower back - giving you that sexy Arnold Swartzenegger flat six-pack stomach as opposed to many bodybuilders' six-pack that basically looks like it's falling out of the abdomen.

It's also presumably a calorie burner although I'm not sure how many it really zaps.

However About.com says sitting at your desk might burn 70-100 cals per hour depending on whether you recline whereas sitting and focusing on playing an instrument can make it 175 cals! This seems like a fair comparison.

You can also do things like dips and lunges from your chair, do some squats and things like that - but that requires getting up and taking an exercise break so it's not really sustainable over a couple of hours!

Cellulite: the bane of my existence

2008-12-03T09:10:00.004+11:00

I said in my food diary that I thought I would be happy if my cellulite went away.

I have very intense cellulite that thankfully is at least localised to directly below my buttocks. None on my lower thighs or stomach so although I probably shouldn't wear little shorts, I can get away with short skirts and showing some tummy.

There has been a time in my life where it was dramatically reduced - that time coincided with weight loss, plenty of exercise including rollerblading, and possibly other factors like reducing my intake of certain food groups.

The general consensus on cellulite is that it's anatomical and best treated by overall weight loss and by toning the appropriate muscles in the legs and buttocks. In other words, your body is just made to hold fat in that particular shape and the only thing you can do is hold less fat overall and more muscle which is much firmer than fat and should go some way to holding things in. There are a variety of leg exercises that will exercise each muscle from every angle to ensure maximum one.

If wishing to take a step further you can go in for cosmetic treatment that is basically a very advanced form of massage. Rollers are a key ingredient in all successful treatments and may be combined with ultrasound or lasers depending on the brand name and what they want you to think.

The wikipedia page has a bunch of natural health notions about inflammation and lymphatic drainage - they claim it is caused by underpants that are too tight around the top of the legs and that massage should reduce inflammation and detoxify the area.

Finally there are a variety of creams and so on available - they have ingredients that break down fat and would work if they could get through but unfortunately not enough of the ingredients really reaches the fat where it's needed. Liposuction would only make the problem worse so is not recommended for cellulite.

I'm already doing cardio and strength training and tomorrow morning I'm supposed to receive a list of my food allergies which should go a long way to addressing inflammation and toxins. The final ingredient is massage. Now I can go to the local clinic which happens to sell endermologie (just complex rollers) and for half an hour they will massage the area in a very complex and targeted manner and then charge me like $1000. It apparently takes at least 10 treatments to really see results and you sign up for a course of treatments.

Or I can save my money for something else and simply try a daily massage of about half an hour - I've never really got into that sort of thing before and it's worth trying the home version before spending thousands I can't afford. I'll also try some of the more targeted exercises and maybe take up rollerblading again. I've talked about it with the boyfriend and he's keen to give it a go too! I think it will be good training for my hiking which I intend to start again as soon as I'm cleared for high altitude exercise (or to continue but not above 1600m).

Update! I've found some fascinating treatments. By far the scariest is the injections that actually kill the fat cells.

Massage therapies: Vela Smooth claims to emphasise lymphatic drainage, hypoxi combines massage with physical exercise and is said to be fantastic!

This website all about cellulite recommends the creams because they are good for toning the skin and otherwise improving its appearance and might help to reduce fatty deposits to a degree. As I had discussed earlier, they have some great ideas for at-home cellulite treatment to try before resorting to expensive cosmetic procedures.

Food, exercise and body image diary 3 December 2008

2008-12-03T07:26:00.009+11:00

tThis morning I didn't weigh myself until after I'd eaten a little something and done some exercise.

It starts with one orgran rice crispbread: 19 cals per slice. That's good to know.

Then I did a bit of warm-ups at home and went to the gym to slog out 20 minutes and 140 cals on the treadmill.

I came home and did some leg lifts and sit-ups to button it off. All I really want to lose now is my cellulite - I'm going to do heaps of reading on cellulite today! Seriously, if I could get rid of those lumps I would be just about happy with my weight - I'd at least be content to let it stay. I'm thinking of signing up for endermologie.

I'm a little sore in the shoulders from last night's tour of the weights machines (I'm supposed to do each exercise every day for 2 weeks to get myself used to the idea).

I have that acidy feeling in my stomach again from the exercise - it's rather unpleasant but apparently it will pass. I'm planning to see if it will wash out with a few glasses of water and some matcha tea.

I walked to work again - the slightly longish way and about 45 minutes which is about 180 cals

9:00 - office breakfast

I'm going to eat half a mango and chop the other half into my 2.5 litres of water. A whole mango is about 130 cal so I'm going to eat 70 cals of mango.
I'm sure that will be sufficient - I'll also make a cup of milky coffee as is my morning habit. - 50 cals

12:00 - lunch at my desk

I had a banana spread on 4 crispbreads = 200 cals.

1:00 - coffee (white) = 50 cals

2:30 - Blood sugar gets incredibly low and I get shaky. Snack on some rice crackers and sultanas of approximately 200 cals to get energy back. :)

That is OK but then I feel nauseous so I finish up with a sugarfree mint = 9 cals and said to be good for nausea.

Evening -

I walked for about an hour including my shopping = 200 cals
I got fainty so I ate rice crackers = 300 cals
I had dinner - 2 medium bowls of rice noodles and veggies, no extra oil added but the tofu was marinated in satay.

Food diary - 2 December 2008

2008-12-02T11:17:00.006+11:00

This morning I woke up late after sleeping like a baby all night.

I woke up thirsty and had no time for breakfast.

I had 1 coffee in the office at about 9:30 (50 cals, it was white coffee)

I've got my jug of 2.5 litres of water with lemon and lime slices sliced into it.

My second coffee is another 50 cals at 11:30 and I'm just starting to get hungry for the morning. Basically though I feel content!

The coffee was taken with nuts and crackers of about 100 cals and I feel not at all hungry and rather motivated to get my office back up to a good working condition because it's been getting a bit sloppy the last few days.

Lunch: Espresso and this is really decadent: I'd been craving chocolate for a few days so I had two sliced of orange, candied and dipped in bitter dark chocolate! I can barely believe something so wonderful even exists!!!

After lunch I had that tired and slightly down feeling. I'm buzzed physically from the coffee but I'm not really feeling happy and energetic. Who knows, maybe it is that serotonergic effect I was reading about earlier! Maybe it was just relaxing with my sweetypie. Either way I'm not happy to be back at my desk, I'd rather be on an island, in the warm, sleeping.

3:15 - afternoon tea: Another handful of crackers with sultanas and nuts from the jar. :) Another 100 cals. Taken with another 2 big glasses of water so I've finished my 2.5 litre jug.

4:30 - I don't know why but this time I'm craving sugar so badly!!! I obviously don't want to power into the sugar but I don't want to feel like I'm missing out either so I respond with a sugarfree mint - I can really taste the touch of eucalyptus oil in it at the moment. That's a bit odd!

I'm thinking of the lentil and rice mix reheated for dinner with maybe some cauliflower and pumpkin and sweet potato chopped in to the pot. I could use a proper feed at the end of today.

No bingeing though! I'm going to focus on my writing and figure out what I'd really really enjoy writing in my spare time for the next few months. Apart from my blog of course, dear readers! I can't stop my diary!

Dinner: 7:30pm

Two bowls of lentil soupy stuff - 600ish.

I'm thinking of dessert but won't be having any! I had that for lunch already and it was delicious!

Exercise:

160 cals in 20 minutes on the cross trainer and 10 minutes on the bicycle.

A full round of the weight machines

And just a minute on the bicycle afterwards

It went OK (I'm a little bit sore but not ridiculously strained) but it was clear that I had eaten too much dinner! I finally have a good reason to tone down the evening meal!

If not hungry... then what?

2008-12-02T09:30:00.004+11:00

I really want to explore the link between appetite and emotion - because after all appetitite itself is really just the emotional state of wanting to eat something. I want to know what it is we expect from food and from eating and therefore what we expect from not eating.

At the moment I'm caught in a dilemma. I want to be thinner and I'm extremely dissatisfied with my appearance. I've even dyed my skin and hair darker.

At the same time I'm forever hungry, always picking at food in an attempt to fill an empty place I can feel about where my tummy sits.

It feels like hungry but I need to understand that it isn't. But if not hungry... then what is it? And how do I deal with it?

As far as I can tell, the guru on this topic is a man by the name of Walter H Kaye. I read a couple of his articles in an attempt to understand what is happening to me.

The conventional wisdom about anorexia is that we don't know what causes it but we're starting to get a few ideas about how to treat it. Not very helpful! They don't really know why we fight treatment so much but Kaye has some great ideas about the cause of eating disorder that helps to explain that too.

Although it is still not entirely clear what causes eating disorder, he's pretty certain that serotonin is involved. It seems that our serotonin systems destabilise or do something strange at around the onset of puberty and this leads to our depression and sometimes hyperactivity. In Kaye's own words (and with my emphasis):

This dysphoric temperament may involve an inherent dysregulation of emotional and reward pathways which also mediate the hedonic aspects of feeding, thus making these individuals vulnerable to disturbed appetitive behaviors. Restricting food intake may become powerfully reinforcing because it provides a temporary respite from dysphoric mood.

There are also benefits to maintaining anorexia as a channel for our obsessions and anxieties. There has been research to indicate that anxiety, obsession and phobia really crop up after the anorexia nervosa has been treated. We particularly fail at social situations such as standing up for ourselves and feeling comfortable being spontaneous in conversations. I'm personally not very obsessive-compulsive but I can really relate to that social phobia thing. I know I feel more comfortable in social situations if I can feel that the person at least will not feel uncomfortable with my appearance! People respond better to a pretty and small girl and I like to use that.

Now back to the serotonin for a moment. Most people know serotonin as that happy hormone - if you're depressed you apparently need more of it. And goodness knows everyone with eating disorder is basically unhappy! We're anxious about eating, unhappy about our body shape and often just generally sad. My own empty sad space inside is certainly an indicator that there's something missing in the way of happy hormone.

But serotonin is more than just that hormone that tells you that you are happy - it also tells you whether you are hungry and that's where things really get confused and why they don't know what causes anorexia and bulimia nervosa. You see, while all the symptoms point to eating disorder as an obsessive-compulsive kind of thing, the mood disorder really grabs the obsession by the horns and emphasises it, because not eating actually brings our serotonin levels to a normal place, just as eating does for the general population. We have to eat a small amount to be happy, but not the usual amount - much, much less!

Like this morning I've had just the coffee and I feel content for the first time in a few weeks!

So here you have a person with a slight tendency to obsessive-compulsive disorder or to obsessions and addictions or depression and anxiety whose odd serotonin systems make her feel more comfortable if she has eaten less. She responds to this with the neurosis of her underlying condition, typically obsessive-compulsive, and usually by building up rituals and obsessions around eating. In my case I think I just made it up as I went along and my anxiety issues meant that I was basically panicked into not eating.

There's a huge link between your mood and your appetite and if you want to understand why you feel hungry or can't bear to eat, then you need to understand what mood you are in. Many people with eating disorder don't really know how to understand their mood so that's probably why they're using cognitive therapy so successfully these days. Psychiatrists also believe serotonin reuptake inhibitors may be useful as they may force the serotonin system to really start behaving more normally.

If I ever write a book about dieting I will be sure to include a chapter on "what mood are you in right now?" because clearly a large number of people don't know if they are hungry or... what?

Food Diary - 1 December 2008

2008-12-01T10:50:00.004+11:00

I had my usual Sunday binge and purge yesterday and once again I'm settling down for Monday morning determined not to eat.

Today I'm trying a different approach to usual.

Breakfast: 7:30am
2 bowls of rice with lentils
1 ruby grapefruit
Matcha tea
Total 300 Cals

Morning tea: by 11:00am
2 cups of rice milk coffee
2 sugarfree mints
Total 100 Cals

And for the rest of the afternoon I plan to just focus on drinking water. :)

I'm off soon to buy a pretty jug as soon as I finish updating the company website with today's exciting news and updates.

OK to finish off my diary entry I binged and purged on salty snacks at lunch time (I was seriously craving salt and have no idea why) then I drank 2.5 litres of water and had a few more snacks then had a proper dinner of 1.5 spring rolls, some barbecue soy meat and half a soy chicken soup (the half without the noodles).

I was really tired afterwards and slept like a baby all night!

Motivation

2008-12-01T08:57:00.002+11:00

I really hate what I'm doing right now. I'm supposed to be an administration manager - which means a secretary but with my own office and without answering to a micromanaging boss every 5 minutes. But instead I've got 2 jobs' worth of work to do and only the one of me to do it and I'm bored absolutely out of my brain with all the shitty admin I have to do when actually I want to be getting into the fun stuff which is instead just getting not done at all! I don't call that job satisfaction!!

My dream believe it or not is to run an educational website and write books. The website is going to take a long time to develop and I have no idea if anyone will be interested but I'm very passionate about it! I've still done hardly any work on it at all though because I just don't seem to find the time or believe in myself.

My non-dreamy business plan is to provide administrative services by contract for small businesses. It should be reasonably straightforward and pay better than what I'm doing now! I haven't taken any steps on that either unfortunately.

Motivation is a huge problem for me. I just get this sluggish feeling and I don't know if I'm tired or just depressed. It's like when I feel a pain inside my chest and it feels like I'm hungry even though I don't really want to eat - and then it turns out I've just got a lump in my throat because I'm sad.

So I'm sitting at my desk at 9 o'clock and I'm tired-sad and I can't seem to find the motivation to power into the day. I've got my coffee but it's not perking me up at all. Just like last night I felt my stomach hurting for some food and eating didn't seem to fill it - and finally my hunny said to me "are you sad?" and it turned out I was sad and also sick from all the food!

I wonder what I'm sad about. Probably having made nothing of my life so far. I think I need to start working on those things I care about or I'm really going to start going crazy!

And to the boy I know who is reading: I love you sweetheart - thanks for being patient with me while I figure out what's causing the yucky feelings in my tummy.

Food diary 30 November 2008

2008-11-30T15:27:00.003+11:00

For breakfast: 9:00 am

Organic Mountain dried banana = 84 Cals

Greek coffee with sugar = 10 Cals

Felt fine - no urge to eat more

For lunch: 1:30 pm

5 tamari almonds (roasted myself - no oil) = ~ 50 Cals

Rice, split pea and lentil soup (cooked myself - no extra oil) = ~ 500 Cals

Half a medjool date = 25 Cals

Afterwards I felt some urge to continue munching away even though my tummy felt full. Instead I poured a few glasses of water and cuddled my hunny while he was watching a movie! It's now afternoon tea time and he's off to get me some sparkling mineral water.

For afternoon tea: 3:30 pm

Greek Coffee = 10 Cals

I'm just a little anxious about dinner because I'm making a roast and I hope I can keep it pretty light. I'll be flavouring with garlic, onion, oregano and some lemon so I'll try not to overdo it on the oil and salt.

I'm roasting potato, sweet potato, cauliflower, carrot and pumpkin!! Nom nom nom (My baby really deserves a treat so I'm excited to make it for him!)

Asceticism - A dieter's approach

2008-11-30T11:02:00.005+11:00

Asceticism is the practice of forgoing physical pleasure in order to advance another goal. The general notion in most religious or philosophical belief systems is that hedonism, or excessive enjoyment, is a pretty pointless goal and therefore at best can be said to distract a person from their spiritual or mental development or even just practical day to day tasks.

There are exceptions to this rule - some people pursue a life of hedonism under the understanding that if they don't hurt anyone then they deserve to enjoy the fruits of their labours in any way they decide is appropriate. Wicca says "an harm ye none do what ye will" which seems like a license to hedonism if the person decides it's appropriate - however many traditions teach that better control over the spiritual realm is facilitated by restricting alcohol, drugs, meat. Similarly the Wikipedia article on asceticism notes that the Talmud instructs Jews that they have been given the opportunity for pleasure by a God that wants them to experience it - and that anyone who turns down the opportunity to enjoy a new fruit will have to answer for it in the next life! Again, there is an understanding amongst Jews that intellectual pursuits will prove more enjoyable in the long term than say getting drunk and falling over! The day of rest is put aside as a day of worship!

In other religions there is a strong emphasis on asceticism as a way of reaching spiritual enlightenment. The argument goes that focusing on this world only tells us about this world - whereas by ignoring or overcoming the demands on our bodies we can focus more on the spiritual realm. Early Christians were said to have whipped themselves (self-flaggelation) with whips made from birch so that they would stop thinking about their body and start thinking about God. Weird, huh? Similarly some Hindus and Jains will go out of their way to lead a life of suffering - becoming hermits, meditating in uncomfortable yoga positions and so on.

The Buddha understood luxury because he was a Prince. His father didn't want him to know of suffering, old age, illness and poverty but the young Prince Guatama accidentally saw suffering and decided to leave the palace and learn more. His first step was to experiment with asceticism, eating nothing and meditating. History says he ate just one seed each day and Buddhist art depicts the ascetic buddha with jutting out ribs and hollow cheeks. But Buddha did not become enlightened through asceticism - instead he realised it simply provided an unnatural emphasis on the physical world and an opportunity for extremism.

So Buddha created the most difficult religious practice of all: the Middle Path. This path emphasises healthy eating over gluttony. To many it appears that Buddhist monks and nuns do practice asceticism because they renounce luxury but actually they never go to the extent of aiming to make themselves sick or injured - they simply remove the physical distractions from their life.

Renouncing luxury is a consistent theme in modern religious asceticism. It's not about extremes, just removing the distractions. Amish and other conservative Christian groups do not have television and computer games to distract them from reading about God but many groups are happy to use a modern car or electric stove (depending on their location and what services are available) if an alternative is impractical or unavailable. They wear simple, modest clothing in muted colours so that clothing does not distract them.

Buddha wants us to by physically healthy and to pursue meditation - this means a certain amount of restriction. He does not give commandments however he identifies key suggestions for a person seeking to decrease or end suffering:

1. Refrain From Killing
2. Refrain from Stealing
3. Refrain from Lying, Slandering, Gossiping and Spreading Rumours
4. Refrain from Sexual Misconduct
5. Refrain from Taking Intoxicants

That's the beginner's guide to Buddhist practice. Those wishing to pursue meditation also:

6. Abstain from Taking meals at inappropriate time.
7. Abstain from Entertaining, Dancing, Singing, Use of beauty products & perfumes.
8. Abstain from Seating on high and luxurious chairs and beds.

Asceticism is a way to focus on the things that really matter! It's a way to pay attention to one's real goals rather than transient pleasures. And finally it is not to become a refuge for those wishing to avoid the world - it's a way to help us understand and engage with the entire world more fully!

My own goal is to embrace the five precepts more fully, to make merit through my acts and to gain some psychological strength through meditation. I needn't think about dieting if I am compelled to take intoxicating substances. Alcohol is more than just high calorie for low reward - it's poison to the body and mind, two things I'm trying to improve! Instead of filling my idle time I need to focus more on being industrious and contributing positively to the world!

Food diary 29 November 2008

2008-11-30T10:55:00.003+11:00

This one's not very precise unfortunately as I ate at parties.

Before leaving the house I had a date - 45 cals

At the party I had a sit-down lunch of a teeny helping of nachos (gluten and corn free!) and some celery sticks in a dab of hommus. - I estimate 500 cals

I had a shot or two of vodka to get started - 100 cals

I spent the rest of the day drinking watered down punch and nibbling the celery. I estimate another 500 cals.

I estimate yeah a bit over 1000 cals the day - in my defence it was a reasonably active day though... :(

Actually I'm a bit disappointed that I had to sit down and eat the nachos but I guess it's done now! I also don't think I gained anything from drinking the alcohol although it was nice to have a coloured and slightly sweet drink in my hand. Next time I'll stick to the kiddie punch! I'm going to do more reading and meditating so that I really feel motivated to steer clear of unhealthy influences like alcohol. On the plus side I was proud of myself for not binging and I know I've made some progress there!

Party excuses

2008-11-29T08:23:00.003+11:00

It's Australia which means it's Summer.

It's also the weekend and that means I have a potential exercise "date" with a friend this morning, a daytime party that I agreed to help prepare and another party to attend in the evening.

My sweetheart is kind of expecting to eat a lot.

I hate that attitude of "I'm socialising so I'm going to be a glutton." It's OK to indulge oneself sometimes in things one enjoys but food shouldn't be a big deal in a country where there's always enough of it anyway! I remember on school camps when I was like... 8, the other girls would get all excited about going away with friends for a few days and eating sausages, candy, ice-cream and whatever else they wanted, completely unchecked. I had already picked up my mother's attitudes (you don't eat fatty and sugary foods unless it's Christmas) and really didn't see why that would be their highlight of a trip to a wonderful place!

OK now I hike and pay a lot of attention to taking food and stuff like that - but without it I would really fall over and not get to the top of the mountain! In a social situation I still don't want to eat and stuff myself like an animal. It's disgusting! In this particular case it's not any kind of sit-down dinner so I'm saved that indignity until the next office party I guess (and I pre-ordered a salad that I can pick at) but I'll be expected to accept snacks from bowls that will be passed around and drink fancy (ie sugary) cocktails. Everyone knows I don't drink milk but yeah there will be very fruity concoctions!

I can probably get through the first party by simply offering to pass the bowls around a bit, by saying no to things I'm allergic to and having a drink of mineral water in my hand the whole time. Nobody is going to really be watching me and there will be some healthy food to sustain me. I'm going to take my paper diary.

The second party is the one with all the cocktails and it is going to look weird if I don't actively join in. A bit... puritanical. Luckily I have 3 cocktail parties during the week. Maybe 4, I'll have to check my office calendar. I can simply say that I don't want to drink on the weekend and then have to smile through office cocktails all week too! I could almost tell this group the truth that I don't want to blow 500 cals on a single cocktail but I don't think it would be wise. It makes more sense to talk about vitamin deficiency and absorption, weight training and stuff.

I'm looking for a list of not-eating excuses on Google but not finding one! So I also have a writing project for the day. But for right now I'm off to do some stretching and then some punishment time on the cross-training machine!

Women and dieting

2008-11-28T10:56:00.004+11:00

I've got my period and OW it hurts so much!

It's also giving me the usual chocolate cravings so I did some research.

I learned that you burn more fat between ovulation and when you get your period and that before your period the metabolism increases by 10%. An increase of 100-200 calories is indicated for your diet. I just get huuuge cravings on the last day before my period and when I'm burning all that energy on crampiness.

Premenstrual weight gain is apparently caused by fluid only and can be mitigated (if it's a bother) by eating less salt and drinking more water.

It's been suggested that women should pay more attention to their cycles rather than behave as if nothing is happening to us! Many anorexic women actually actively try to avoid having a period because it's too painful or icky and I completely agree with this - I've had times when they were few and far between and I was GLAD!

Fat shifting tips from bodybuilders

2008-11-28T08:37:00.003+11:00

I've been doing some research into making sure it's fat that moves - body builders have this all figured out because after they "bulk up" they have to diet to within a millimetre of all those muscles, veins and curves. They look really shocking but they really know how to diet!

So after a few hours of reading I've found and will add to the following tips:

When exercising your body burns fat from reserves and sugar from the blood. If it thinks it needs to and can get away with it your body will also try to break down muscles which you kind of need to move gracefully.
The body will burn fat more easily when blood sugar is low however it will continue to burn fat and sugar at any time of the day and you don't necessarily want to exercise when your blood sugar is low because you will get dizzy or stuff yourself afterwards. You can have some carbohydrate before the gym
Just my own thought but I really think the low-GI diet is the way to go. Your blood sugar never really gets low enough that you need to stuff yourself and never spikes so that you stop burning fat! You get plenty of the benefits of the Atkins concept (which was itself based on low-GI originially) but don't poison your kidneys.
So have low-GI carbohydrates when exercising and according to research you get a synergistic effect by combining carboydrates and caffeine when exercising. So to clarify, your ideal morning routine is a small bowl of porridge, a black coffee, a trip to the gym and then the rest of your porridge if you want some more.
Yeah... they do say have something to eat after exercising. Just something with protein and some carbs in it. It helps your muscles to recover if you eat something at around the time you exercise and if you go for longer than 1.5 hours then you definitely need a proper meal afterwards. Like some marinated tofu. Just repeating what I've read.
The "fat burning zone" on treadmills and other equipment is a low intensity workout where you burn more fat as a proportion of energy burnt. This is a real effect, you don't burn a lot of sugar at low intensity... however you don't stop burning fat or burn less overall fat by doing a high intensity workout, you just get to a point where you're going to burn a heap of sugar too (and lots of calories) and so the proportion of fat burnt to sugar is a bit lower. So yeah they say just do high intensity exercise.
A recent study showed that the adrenaline rush in very very short bursts of super high intensity exercise shifted even more fat - adrenaline is a "catecholine" and these break down fat! The study had people doing 8 seconds of sprint followed by 12 seconds of low intensity exercise.
Yes I saw that too - adrenaline breaks down fat! No wonder stressful people lose weight. But cortizol, that famous stress hormone lays down fat big time - so if you are going to be anxious make sure it's in short sharp bursts of adrenaline, not long worry sessions! And make sure you're sleeping.
OK now weight training is a great way of ensuring that your muscles are built up or at least maintained if you're dieting. By toning your muscles you ensure that your primary source of weight loss is fat. Body builders who are trying to lose weight freak out about keeping their muscles trained! Why? Because the body will take the weight loss from whatever it's got more of unless you convince it you need those muscles for some reason and it should take the fat instead. I've a bodybuilder friend who ...well he's skinny. But he has had the lowest body fat ratio on campus at one time, just from all that weight training.
It is apparently not true however that a lot of muscle burns a lot of energy. Any extra mass you carry burns more energy than skin, organs and bones, but the difference between a few pounds of fat and a few pounds of muscle is apparently a couple jelly beans' worth. But if you have to be a few pounds heavier than your target then I'd personally rather it be muscle than flab. Just my opinion.
OK speaking of those "X burns a lot of energy or shifts fat" rumours - where supplements are concerned it's apparently rubbish unless you're taking those really strong illegal drugs. Which I don't and assume my readers aren't. A cup of green tea won't hurt you (I'd reccomend matcha) but apparently doesn't do a big deal to shift fat or decrease your appetite. Hoodia has been debunked as an appetite suppressant. I like to burn lemongrass oil or suck a mint cos I know from experience it decreases my appetite. Same with mustard or chilli - it flavours your food and doesn't really cost you any calories, may even save you some if you were thinking of using a creamy dressing, but it's not a get out of jail card for binging.
In case you're not convinced about the exercise or are just lazy like me, there's another scientific experiment where the group who did regular exercise didn't really yo-yo at the end of their diet. The control group did what dieters usually do and put all the weight back on.
In the gym they recommend swapping your exercise around a bit because then you combine the fat-burning effect of cardio with the strength training to ensure that weight really is shifted from the flabby bits. Do the cardio first because weights will wear down your ability to run but running won't really impact much on your benefit from lifting weights - even if you miss a rep because your muscle was already tired, you've still challenged your muscle so... yay! Mission accomplished!

Got an exercise tip? It's an inclusive blog and I always add the ideas people tell me!

Other people's ideas:

Spider mentioned in a comment on this blog a study in which singing is a great way to lose weight, presumably because it de-stresses and less cortizol lays down fat. When properly done (karaoke doesn't count) singing is also a great targeted abdominal/core exercise because you have to exercise all the support muscles that hold your stomach in tightly. If you can't sing try a woodwind instrument (flute is a great one for controlling your breathing) and set aside a half hour to an hour each day.

Food diary 28 November 2008

2008-11-27T23:30:00.009+11:00

On the clock from yesterday: 246 Cals

I believe the French diet described in French Women Don't Get Fat has the best method for dealing with life's little excesses: just note them and compensate. So that's what I'll be doing today.

Tonight is office drinks and date night. I might stick to water (for my health and vitamin absorption) and he agreed to something not too fussy so I don't get flustered. He doesn't like to fuss.

Breakfast of course includes my vitamin B12 supplement. I've been avoiding them at night because I hate dreams - they are out of control and I often wake up very disturbed.

Next was a chocolate sesame snap: 45 Cals.

Morning tea: 10:40am
Mood before meal: OW! OW! OW! OW!! OW! OW! OW!!! OW!!!!!!! I've got my period and it really really really really hurts!
And I'm getting nauseous from the cramping. Please somebody bring me a glass of vodka or an aspirin or something!

1x organic mountain banana = 84 cals
1x pink lady apple = 110 cals

Lunch: 12:10pm
1 slice of quinoa bread = 165 cals
Marmite = 10 cals
1x organic mountain dried banana = 84 cals

Mid-afternoon "I've got my period and I need the energy" binge
1 apple
Another dried banana (that's plenty for today I think)
A cup of roasted peas
A cup of roasted chick-peas
Half a cup of sultanas

I feel sore.

Afternoon/evening snacky thing: 4:00pm
1/2 a red grapefruit: 55 Cals
Black coffee

Feel good.

Total count for the day:

There's not much information about how many calories are in roasted chick peas and peas so I'm going to guess based on the calories in nuts and assume I ate around 1500 = that's a bit over 2000 for the day. This is approximately my maintenance quantity and now that the luteal phase of my period is over and the cramping has stopped and all that I am totally not hungry any more so I've no concerns whatsoever about it! According to my reading it doesn't really stay and according to my scales I've just dropped about 3-4 pounds of stored fluid!

Learning more through quality tools

2008-11-27T09:24:00.002+11:00

I've been playing around with the tools at caloriecount.about.com and setting up my goals to find out how much I should eat, things like that.

First, I put in my current and goal weights along with my activity level, to find out that to reach my goal weight by the end of January I should eat 1300 cals per day. They don't recommend going under 1200 for women or 1500 for men.

Then I did a quiz - turns out that I'm a social eater and that I generally need to pay more attention to the signals I get from everyone else. I guess with my ED and desire to please everyone I've learnt to really pretend to everyone that I'm eating properly and I'm really up to the stage where I'm lying to myself as well as everyone around me. I must pay more attention to that.

I'm also reading through their exercise plan - I think it's one I can fit into my schedule and I love that they have huge lists of resources for any question readers might have!

Best of all they have a tool that logs food in and exercise out over any given time frame - I'll be logging all of mine and posting reports!

Food diary 27 November 2008

2008-11-27T09:00:00.009+11:00

Yesterday's diary entry ends very badly. I drank 3 litres of water at my desk which was great but I may have gone home too hungry. I don't know why it happened exactly but one bowl of rice became two and then three and four, then I moved on to a banana and had some mixed nuts and seeds before finally withdrawing to the bathroom to purge.

By the end of the night I was extremely horrified with myself and disgusted with all my pale white flab. I still am.

This morning's breakfast was a smallish red tip eco-banana. I wasn't very hungry and was really too disgusted to stomach it but I had to eat something with my vitamin B12. According to this helpful website (I strongly recommend joining up!) that's about 105 cals.

Now I feel again that I could continue eating until I'm stuffed but I'm really too traumatised to eat. Purging doesn't really keep the weight off and I can't just binge and expect to keep slim! The only way around it is to eat a small amount and then stop. I'm stubborn so that is what I'm going to do this morning.

Knowing me... well I'll probably want to binge again at dinner time but I'll just hold on tight to my boyfriend and say "look I ate enough please hold me until I settle down and regain control of myself again." I think I can keep myself distracted at the office. I hope.

Morning tea: 9:30am
Mood before meal: Refluxy I guess. I felt acidy so I thought I better eat somthing else
1x Organic Mountain dried banana: 84 cals
Mood after meal: Still a bit acidy but I'll be OK. I've had my first litre of water and will keep drinking until my stomach settles down.

Lunch: 12:30pm
Mood before meal: Still a bit acidy in the stomach (more nauseous than anything else) so I started with 1x sugarfree mint at 9 cals.
1x average slice of quinoa bread with thickly spread Sanitarium marmite: 165 cals
Mood after meal: Much better really! My stomach is not hurting any more and I was thinking about having some fruit but I don't think I could stand it!

Dammit! 1:00pm
I had one medjool date at 50 cals and now I want to purge!

Coffee: 2:20pm
Mmmmmm nom nom nom nom nom - just a splash of rice milk maybe 30 cals.

Afternoon tea: 3pm to 3:30pm
I had 1 sugarfree mint to get rid of the coffee taste: 9cals
a package of Spiral senbei (the plain one): 241 cals

So at the mid-afternoon point I've had 693 cals giving me a reserve of 300-600 for dinner. We're talking about having some pasta with tomato sauce but I'm also thinking about cooking some red lentils or yellow split peas with basmati. Some protein for my workout. I think it's OK to have 3 cups of cooked basmati, that's apparently equivalent to 1 cup uncooked. And that's a LOT of rice! Very filling!

That last meal was a pretty big one - all that rice has me rather full! I feel very full and only a tiny bit icky so I guess that was the right amount of food.

Dinner: 8:00pm

Tonight I tried an experiment. I ate something filling for dinner and tried to stop when I reached the "right time"

I assured myself the calories would be OK and that I needed some protein for training.

I had about 3 cups of cooked rice and 1 of red lentils with some negligible spices for flavouring.

I ate 846 Cals for dinner and kept it down. My consolation I suppose is that I burnt 160 on the treadmill so that's 686 and I could be said to have ended up 80 over my revised target. Let's hope that 80 goes to build muscle instead of contributing to my fat!

My sweetheart caught me before I really got a chance to binge like I might have otherwise so I am eternally grateful for his love.

And all this progress the night my period came!

Thispiration

2008-11-26T11:34:00.004+11:00

I think it's not entirely clear to some people why I am dieting and how I think I should look.

First I am not "triggered" to starve myself to bones and start panicking and fretting by looking at pictures on websites. Pictures on websites are two-dimensional, tiny and not anywhere near as distressing as looking at thin girls on the street. Which I do ALL the time.

Second I don't think it looks cool to be skin and bones. I think it looks weird and I don't want to look like an alien. Maybe some collar bone should be showing, maybe some ribs. Weightlifters do this and you certainly can't see all of their bones and worry about them!

Instead I had this kind of thing in mind:

Nothing extreme - just looking good in fashionable underwear. What's wrong with that?

Actually I'm a little taller than Kate so I guess I had in mind that I would look similar to the picture above but just a little longer. Here's Gisele illustrating the sort of size and shape that I have been in the past:
Oh my goodness! Look at those thighs! I dream and fantasise about thighs like that!

Of course Gisele exercises well and keeps her muscles toned and that is what I will really be focusing on!

Finally I'm going to finish this post by clarifying that I definitely don't want to look like this example of bad parenting:

For so many reasons! Ick! Ick! Ick! and Double ICK!

Food diary 26 November 2008

2008-11-26T09:13:00.010+11:00

I've been advised to eat every 3 hours to ensure my stomach remains full and to drink plenty of water. So this means I want about 250cals at 9, 12, 3 and 6 to meet my daily target. Approximately. So here's day 1 of this new scheme:

Breakfast: 9:00am (at work)
Mood before meal - OK I guess but a bit slow to wake up today.

Quantity	Food type	Calories
1x	Blackmore's Vitamin B12	Negligible
1x	Organic Mountain dried banana	84
1x	Pink Lady apple	110
about 1/4	Papaya	50
1 mug	Dilmah Morrocan Mint green tea	negligible

Total=244 cals
Mood after meal - Not really any more energetic but I guess I can tell that my body has started up now. I know all that fruity fibre will keep things moving unlike last week when I was not eating carefully enough. Unfortunately encouraging my stomach to wake up is also encouraging it that it's STARVING! Overall, though, I definitely feel more secure about taking my food more carefully and its likely effect on my tendency to binge. Next intended meal at 12.

Lunch: 12:00pm (at my desk)
Mood before meal: Pretty hungry and I've been thinking about food all morning on and off but I'm OK I guess

Quantity	Food type	Calories
1x	Very thin slice of quinoa bread	100
1 tsp	Sanitarium marmite	8
1x	Pink grapefruit	85
1x	Nectarine	60
1 mug	Dilmah Morrocan Mint green tea	negligible

Total=253 cals
Mood after meal: Actually this is kind of an awkward one. Part of me feels very very full and part of me feels very very empty. This is the kind of time when I often simply start shoving food into my mouth on auto-pilot so instead I'm going to shut down the browser and really throw myself into this afternoon's work!

Coffee and a mint: 2:00pm (at my desk)
Mood before coffee: Very tired!

Quantity	Food type	Calories
1/4 cup	Coffee made with Vitasoy rice milk protein enriched	25
1 cup	Black coffee instead!	Negligible
1x	Double D Summer Mint	9

Total=34 Cals
Reflection afterwards: Black coffee is easier on the stomach than white coffee and no cals! I used to only have cappuccino as a weekend breakfast treat and I am returning to that policy!

Afternoon tea: 3:00pm (at my desk)
Mood before meal: Starting to crash for the day but still plenty of work to get through!

Quantity	Food type	Calories
1x	Organic Mountain dried banana	84
1x	Organic medjool date	48
small handfull	Roasted peas and chickpeas from the office tin	100
1 mug	Dilmah Morrocan Mint green tea	negligible

Total=232 cals
Mood after meal: At first I wasn't really satisfied but then I drank some more water and now I guess I feel pretty good. Having something with just a little carbohydrate.

Dinner (See food diary for 27 November for more about this)
Binge consisting of 4 bowls of basmati rice, a banana with a teaspoon of raw sugar and a handful of nuts and seeds - purged. I may have digested 500cals as the rice was 1st down.
At least the binge was all low-GI so I didn't crash and wake up starving again.