Puritans are cranky about alcohol

So I'm not entirely sure what the problem is but there's been an enormous tax hike on pre-mix drinks - as if drinks weren't expensive enough as it is in Australia! It's often over $100 for a bottle of champagne so you only end up ordering something you can afford and getting trashed instead of sozzled. I at least try to stick to good quality vodka but sometimes you feel like wine and you really pay for it with either your cash or your health!!!

Anyway I digress.

Smirnoff are a bunch of smart-asses so they just made a citrusy flavoured pre-mix out of purified beer and didn't call it vodka even though their brand name basically implies that it is.

Now the puritans are in a flap about how dare they exploit a loophole in the definition of fun to get everyone drunk at a reasonable price again. Teenagers won't know it's alcoholic and will binge drink!! Won't SOMEBODY think of the children!

Honestly this puritan vs hedonism attitude is most of the reason I ended up with ED. Maybe we should all just learn to enjoy ourselves a little bit instead of holding ourselves to unrealistic standards and then going out binge drinking because it's impossible to be healthy!

And maybe I should just eat what I want when I'm comfortable rather than caring what anyone else thinks of me.

I don't want to go out for dinner with friends

I've eaten enough for today. Too much even! And I've got work to do.

I like the person whose birthday it is but I don't really want to have pizza. Besides the only food they serve is salad so it's not as if I'd be joining in anyway. I'd just be feeling guilty about not working.

So I'd stuff myself to try and cover my discomfort.

I think I'd rather just stay home and go to the gym for a bit and then work or maybe try and catch up with my music teacher. I think I'd like that much better.

19 January diary

07:00	2pcs marinated tofu (satay)	I was trying to eat a good breakfast (plenty of protein) so that I wouldn't get hungry. I didn't want to get hungry!!! What if I accidentally have a greedy attack? What if I have so many greedy moments that I start to get fat and everyone can see???
	1/2 serve miso
	1/2 serve tea
	few tbs dried blueberries and a couple nuts
12:00	Muesli bar	Low cal. About 136. That's all I could think - and how glad that I wasn't super hungry!
Office snacks	Tea	With mint. It's healthier than coffee and all I need in the mornings
	Water with lemon & ginger	I try to drink a whole jug
	Sugarfree mints and chewing gum	It's supposed to be stimulant and appetite suppressant although it depends on what's causing the appetite
14:00	Black coffee	In a meeting - and it made me energetic! I want so much more now!!! Cocaine, speed, I don't care, I just want to buzzzzzzz!!
15:00	"Binge" motivation (not extreme quantities but extreme thoughts)	During this period I felt almost a sense of panic. I could tell that my eating was controlling me but I was unable to fight. I bought a lot more food than I have nominated here (it's in my drawer) and I was like a prisoner who is starved all week but has a weekly hour in a room with a buffet - which can't be taken back to the cell. It was as if my body thought it was now or never! I do feel like I am a prisoner of my feelings.
	1 pkt black sesame rice crackers (250 cals)
	1 pkt mung bean chips (200 cals)
	Some nibbles of a trail mix including gourmet ingredients like chocolate buttons and cranberry raisins
16:00	Organic coffee with a splash of malt-free soy	Because I hate waiting for the afternoon to finish so I can go home! I just want to power through that last bit!
	Some fruit and nuts	Because I just can't stop myself! Yuck!!! How do I focus on the things I'm doing????
18:00	1 cold roll	Because I already had enough, but needed to get J fed and quiet.
	Nibbles from laksa
20:00	A shot of vodka in mineral water	Just something to make the process of responding to selection criteria a bit enjoyable and relaxing.
	Some fruit and nuts

"Health and safety" requirements to address big enough chairs for fatties

You can tell I didn't make this up because it's just so unbelievably pathetic.

The OH&S drones who insist on accommodating the least deserving are now turning their attention to the width of chairs in offices.

They obviously don't actually care about the health and safety of the workers in question otherwise why encourage them to be fat lazy slugs with butts that don't fit on people chairs? Why not just use the Japanese method of morning PT?

Well, I've had enough of this. I'm going to pump up my Swiss ball so I can get a decent core workout instead of slumping into my chair. Did you know that office chairs are required to have backs for lounging in? Using a Swiss ball full-time is a violation of OH&S because you might actually get some exercise and there's an according risk of injury. The company is now selling frames to put your ball in so you can mimic exercise without actually risking any real challenge to your body.

Luckily my boss knows if I accidentally get some exercise I won't sue - I'll just suck it up and take a rest day on my lounge chair if necessary.

Weekend: Stressful and difficult

In Thursday's session A asked me a lot of questions about binging and the thoughts, feelings and emotions I experience when it comes to food and body.

This has actually inhibited me from blogging until now because the simple fact is that I don't know what those are.

One important thing about binges that she told me is they are much more likely if the body is starving from failure to have proper breakfast. So I've been focusing on that and it has helped.

Also when I'm dieting, because I have so many rules about what I'll eat, when and how much, eating a single celery stick out of expectations (typically something like "I've eaten too much now I won't have anything until J is ready for dinner") then it's like when an alcoholic has just one drink and it's very hard to stop!!!

So that's why I have to explore that feeling and stabilise the eating I do. So I'm not like some horrible food junkie all the time, up down, starving, vomiting and so on.

Dear ED. Get out and leave me in peace!!! From W

Setting priorities

...because basically every decision about what action to take expresses a priority. A very disturbed person I used to know would often remark that he could have whatever he wanted because he knew his priorities were messed up. On some level though, and allowing for statistical and even Heizenberg uncertainty, each of us typically gets what we want because each of us makes thousands of decisions each day selecting from our available options according to our priorities. Sometimes these decisions don't work out but overwhelmingly, situations and people can be influenced toward a particular outcome.

So when making a decision it's important to be aware of your priorities and the likely outcomes of your actions.

My final thought for you is this: If you're not directing your future towards a positive outcome, who is? Because chances are that you'll start living the life that it benefits those people for you to live.

Choose success!

Diary for 14 December: Just plain tired

7:15 am | 59 kg | BMI 18.0

Today I got up in time to walk to work and be reasonably early!

For breakfast I had a grapefruit, a similar quantity of pineapple and about half as much watermelon. Plus a walnut.

Today I just want to drink coffee. That means a stop by the supermarket to get some fresh milk I think. But coffee is unhealthy blah blah blah. I don't know, I'll figure it out on the way.

9:20 am

Oh my goodness! I'm facing such a big binge urge today! I'm on my third coffee (the first was espresso, the second 2 are with malt-free soy milk at less than 50 cals per 100mL)

11:51 am

So tired!!! I had a ginkgo in the last meeting as I've had enough coffee. After that last coffee I also had 2 mints.

I'm feeling really bad about food today. I feel like I'm just going to have a blow-out day and lose control.

Tired and motivated: Diary for 13 January

7:00 am | 59 kg | BMI 18.0

My porridge is cooling. My tea is licorice and aniseed (already cooled). I'm about to do some sit-ups and push-ups before breakfast and I don't know what other exercise, maybe some skipping rope!

I'm starting to be free of all the weight that has been dragging me down - shortly I'll reach a maintenance phase where I can start focusing on building my shape more carefully.

It's looking like a pretty day, I may even be able to walk to work if I skip the skipping rope and get my hurry on!

10:15 am

This morning has gone soooo badly so far!!

I've had everything go wrong including fights, lost keys and a ladder in my stockings when I finally was nearly here!

I bought some cammomile tea to help relax however it's on to the strong stuff now!

I was SOOO hungry a few minutes ago! I've had a piece of licorice and I've brought my leftover fruity porridge (with apple, banana, nuts and seeds) and I could just - I don't know what actually. I don't want to eat, I just want some energy and my tummy to not hurt! It's settling down from the licorice anyway. I'll have some green tea now.

11:00 am

I've had a sugarfree mint. How many calories have I eaten this morning? 200? Half an apple, half a banana, a half cup of cooked rice... less than 30 cals in candy snacks. How many would I prefer to eat all day long? About 200 more and that's it.

I can't go on like this!! ARRRRRRHHHH!!!!

12:00 pm

I very strongly watered down the rest of my porridge and had it for lunch. Nom nom nom nom nom and the monster inside of me just wants MORE!

Why??

I don't know what to do! I'm stuck in this bulimia vs anorexia battle where I don't know whether eating more is the right thing or the wrong thing - so I'm just drinking some water mixed with a little grapefruit juice. I've filled up my jug!

This is NOT FUN at all. I'm surrounded by food anyway - but I don't know how much to eat. I'm thinking of holding off til midday and having a muesli bar. Or I can just have a rice crispbread or 2 now and something smaller later.

I was thinking about making roasted veggies for dinner - so if I was going to have a good meal tonight I really shouldn't overdo it during the day. Otherwise what's the point, right?

OK I'll open a muesli bar but I won't eat it all. I'll just take as much as I need and then throw out the rest if necessary (or put it away for later). It's 252 cals for the whole thing so I could have half without making too much of a dent on my daily count. I'm also making a nice big cup of green tea!

3:45 pm

I had about 2/3 of my muesli bar and I've had a few more mints. Like 2 or 3. My colleague even made me a coffee which I had with a "splash" of milk. Right now I'm running extremely low on energy and feeling rather faint! I've dealt with it by having a 19-cal crispbread. So that brings me up to about 850, I can't help but be aware!

All I want to do is go home to BED!!!

5:00 pm

I think I've almost made it through the afternoon!! I've still had another half a candy because the sugar keeps me from dropping out but from here on in, it's just go home, boil up some split peas and go to sleeeeeeeep. No more snacking risk!!

My clothes seem significantly looser.

Wrap-up

Went to my friend's place and splashed about in the pool for a while and cooked some split peas and veggies in what should have been a soup but the split peas were taking too long.

I had a serve that must have been around 400mL.  Not sure, they were large bowls.

When we got home I was still really hungry so I served up a big bowl of fruit and shared it with J and then I had a little bowl of puffed buckwheat and a few nuts.  I felt pretty icky and then J started talking again about how he doesn't want me to lose weight! Oh dear.

Easily distracted: therapy goals

Today I'm a bit tired on account of all the staying up late once I started feeling healthier again. The only way I know to deal with getting tired is getting hyperactive on stimulants. That, or overeating.

Not an ideal situation.

I don't feel sleepy - I don't want to lie down. I just want to take something into my body that will counteract the tiredness I am experiencing.

Of course apart from really strong drugs that I wouldn't take... there's no such thing.

So here I am interpreting tiredness as hungriness just because I have an obsession. If I didn't have this obsession I would be able to push through the tiredness, make the most of what energy I have rather than dedicating it all to thoughts of food I don't want to distract me.

I'm basically willing the hours to tick by, watching the clock, celebrating each minute passed without eating anything.

This leaves very little time to enjoy my job or to do a good job of it!

I can't wait til I stop obsessing and just work through the morning to lunch time then work through the afternoon to home time and then relax when I get home!

Diary for 12 January 2009

6:30 am | 60 kg | BMI 18.3

Breakfast was what amounted to a heaping bowl of quinoa with savoury yeast flakes and soy sauce for flavouring and a tiny handfull of currants.

I'll add that I didn't really enjoy it but you gotta eat what you gotta eat! I have to get my vitamins and protein into me somehow!

10:12 am

At the office. ARRRRHHH!!!

I've had 2 cups of green tea this morning: one with peppermint before I left the house and one with ginger in the office. I've also had 2 sugarfree mints. I drove to the office and I'm already off the calorie dial!!!

I want to have so much coffee and speed that I don't have to think all day!

Hey actually I think I have red bull in the fridge. Well it's an option for later if I get totally stressed out!

11:00 am

Oh dear, it's going to be one of those days! Here I am exhausted and all that and I can't help thinking about what I'm going to put into my body. I can't just be strong on my own and ride it out.

Well, that's what I intend to do! I'm strong and I don't have to obsess about food if I don't want to!

I'm having a coffee with some milk I conveniently left in the fridge last week. Still good! I'm not supposed to be counting calories but quinoa is fattening! I'm already up to 500!!!

1:00 pm

I had my lunch basically right on 12 o'clock: A grapefruit, 3 prunes, 2 of my 19-calorie rice crackers and a nice cup of green chai. I'm about to have another cup of tea - this is yummy!

Finally I'm feeling a lot less hungry than I was a while back!!

2:00 pm

I'm having another cup of tea and a piece of licorice. The licorice is less calories than if I had milk in coffee: I think it's 17 cals a piece. A little sugar buzz to get me through the next couple of hours!

5:30 pm

I had a second piece of licorice at about 4 o'clock and plenty of tea for the rest of the afternoon. I'm exhausted from all today's work now!! Just got to go a bit past 5:30 or so and then I can go have some fun!!!

12:30 am

Final update for the day! We had dinner at  about 7. I made a green salad dressed with lemon juice and carefully picked out the lettuce, cucumber, snow-pea, a few pieces of carrot and plenty of celery! I just wasn't hungry... We shared a bowl so I can't be sure but I think I ate about 2 cups max.  Of course that meant J ate all the avocado (I barely tasted it, just a smear of it was on one of my leaves) but I only chopped half a one so I'm sure he'll be OK.

At around 9 we had Greek coffee and shared a plate of fruit.  I had about 6 grapes, some watermelon and a few pieces of grapefruit.

Later on, maybe 10 or 11 I did start to get hungry so I had a stalk of celery.  No problems!

The only problem was not exercising but I'm actually still sore from yesterday's walk and Saturday's dance and very tired, so maybe that's just as well! 

Artist captures the anorexic ideal

Artist Ivonne Thien, in an attempt to mock the thin ideal and pro-ana has accidentally created a collection of images that pro-ana is calling beautiful and the art world is calling confronting and grotesque and stuff.  The collection, Thirty-two Kilos, can be previewed on Ivonne's website however anyone in Washington should go see it - and I'd encourage (beg) Ivonne to bring her work to the National Gallery of Australia!!! My preview image came from the Washington Post article offering much more analysis than I can cover.  But I wanted to add this:

I'm ashamed to admit that these pictures basically represent the ideal I would wish to achieve.

Unlike some other pro-ana art there are few indications that the models are unwell - no hideously protruding body parts, no weird curves or strange angles.  The bodies are curled up and stretched out into all sorts of interesting poses without any protruding "excess" - it's pure beauty, with all the humanity sucked out! The digitally enhanced women are so loooong and caught in the moment they look so graceful...

I would be fascinated to see the raw, unaltered images.  This would truly be a statement on fashion and the thin ideal!

Fit and healthy: Diary for 11 January

7:20 am | 59.5 kg | BMI 18.2

I'm assuming that this morning's weight loss is either dehydration or flushing out water retention.  I don't see how I would have lost anything.

This morning I'm feeling a bit stiff across the shoulders, maybe from doing some weights yesterday.

I'm starting the day with plenty of water and just doing some gentle exercise to stretch and warm up.

7:50 am

By now I've finished a healthy breakfast: Some soy yoghurt (about 125 g) with some nuts and seeds sprinkled over the top. (About 2-3 tbsp - one brazil nut, 3 almonds, a walnut, some flax seeds)

The whole thing's about 250 Cals.  Unusually high concentration for my breakfast but it's good to mix it up and have something different.  Not sure what we're doing for dinner tonight so it could be wise to go easy at lunch time.

2:30 pm Update

On my walk, say at about 11:00, I had an espresso and added a serve of raw sugar.  Nom nom nom! My sweet-tooth was happy!

When I got home at around 1 o'clock I was absolutely exhausted!!! Including the coffee and some shopping (I'm sewing a fabric I bought right now) I made up some lunch: tofu pieces in lemon juice with tahini and nutritional yeast flakes.  High in protein, iron, calcium and B vitamins.  Right now I'm thinking about eating some of the leftovers but instead I'm having a cup of tea (ginger, orange rind, lemon pieces and goji) and I'll be making some blueberry milkshakes later.

Update 12:11 am

I've a few more food items to report from this afternoon.

At 4 o'clock I made us some blueberry smoothies with almonds, a little flax and a spoon of date spread to sweeten it up.  Very yummy but way too filling! I drank it all but felt very icky for a while.

At 7:30 I was quite tired after a brief shopping expedition and visit to a friend to borrow some videos... so I put together a very basic stir-fry vegetables using the leftover tofu and some sweet potato and other veggies.  I was rather hungry so I drank about 4 big glasses of water with it.  

I had some nibbles from the fruit platter I put together for dessert too.

Nitey nite!!!

Fat, exhausted but satisfied.  I've had a really good day and it had almost nothing to do with food! I did some really wonderful sewing, I have a brand new scarf to wear to work tomorrow and I got through some difficult conversations with J.

Therapy goals: 11 January 2009

A couple of days ago Spider said:

I wonder if, as the self-loathing diminishes, exercise and work and weight control will become easier and more natural.

Hmm, me too!

Imagine if, last night for example, my drinking were moderated by a simple desire to take care of myself and an understanding that getting trashed would not make me happy... rather than an obsessive paranoia about calories and fear of hangovers and depressed immune system.

I would have shown up to the party, feeling a bit sick because I have been lately.  Then I would have had my coffee (for the energy to get over my head cold) and a few glasses of water because it was a hot day.  At some point a glass of wine would have been social but with my new confidence I wouldn't need alcohol to feel like I was fitting in and bonding with the other girls! I could simply talk and join in the fun and games!

I could have had a second nice big glass of cranberry juice instead or a glass of orange juice - much healthier and very yummy!

My therapist has me writing down everything I eat - I just did it in my phone last night and emailed it in when I got home.  Instead of going to my phone once an hour or so, I could have simply put it down and got caught up in conversation - since obviously I wouldn't be worried about food, and instead would be enjoying my friends' company!

I'd still be the same Widget singing and dancing and playing with the Playstation and Wii.

I'd still be the same Widget talking to the girls, talking to the boys and cuddling J when I got a bit sleepy towards the end of the night.

I wouldn't be self-conscious about that - everyone thinks I'm gorgeous with my cute little ways!

At dinner time I would have just filled up my small plate and eaten some veggies.  Yeah, they're barbecued in oil but it's just a small plate.  (Instead of trying to eat less and then feeling guilty about going back for seconds!)

Arriving home, instead of watching cartoons I was thinking about doing some meditating or reading some religious texts before bed.  Actually I'll probably do that now, I'm up pretty early!

So that's how I'd be if I was cured.  Eating about the same calories, but for different reasons.  And more importantly, spending them where I'd want to instead of being too timid to be a bit different!

This morning I'm planning an exercise walk followed by some cleaning before Monday morning.

I guess healthy Widget would be spending this time working on her other, neglected writing efforts, while making a healthy breakfast.  She'd warm up well, do her exercise then have something else to eat afterwards.  (I'm thinking about a lovely creamy cappuccino!)

There's time to hang out the towels I washed yesterday and put on another load of washing (it shouldn't wake up J, he's a pretty determined sleeper!) and then just some sit-ups before the walk because I am working on my strength!

Same activities but in this scenario I'm confidently aiming for what I want rather than running from what I don't want.

J's party

We arrived at 4:20.

At 4:40 I realised that I was getting a bit worn down and had a handfull of grapes.

At 5:30 J got me a big glass of cranberry juice with plenty of ice. I'm pretty headachey so I'm happy to stay hungry and vague but it makes it hard to join in the conversation.

With my juice I'm also having a few more grapes and my friend is also making me a coffee cos I seem to need the energy. I suppose.

At 6:30 shooters started getting handed around. I had something coconutty on top and maybe raspberry underneath.

At 7:30 I've abandoned the other half of my juice, it's too sweet!!! I've just had 2 more grapes though.

I feel like such a nerd tracking all my food. I think our host is about to put together apple martinis. Mmmm... But so much superfluous sugar!! He's diabetic so he's even more of a sweet-tooth than I am!

Oh, ok. It's shooters of frangelico and chambord.

At 8 o'clock the next drinks are sugary too. I had a few tastes of the shooter and chaser and just gave it to J. Too much sugar!!!

By 9 o'clock I've had what has to be my last drink: frangelico. I mixed the other half with my second espresso. Because it's the healthy way to stay awake, energetic and dancing!

At 9:50 dinner's done! 2 small plates of barbecue: 2 tofus, an eggplant slice, 2 sweet potato slices and 2 zucchini slices then about a cup of grapes for dessert. I'm such a fat whale!!!!!!

At 10 o'clock I give in and have half a glass or whatever of absolut raspberry.

At 11 o'clock I'm peckish again but realise I must have had about 1500 cals or more just at the party. So I'm just pushing through it, dancing and thinking about staying sober enough to have a good time, and eating little enough to stay slim. I'm even thinking about a midnight jog although I know it's not going to happen! I'm trying to line up a morning walk though. My friend is spinning the vinyl, the grooves are mellow and I don't need to eat!!!

11:30 - we're such nerds, we're playing Wii Fit! My random BMI was 18.47 and my balance was atrocious. It said my Wii Fit age is 36!!! Most of the others are bummed because their Mii suddenly became really cute and chubby!!!

I blame alcohol for all negative readings. ;)

We've realised this is awesome and we really want one!!

I've also lined up a 9 o'clock walking date.

Midnight. Time for sleepybies!!

I love jogging!

Mmmmm fitness. It gives me that warm feeling inside to know that I have the capacity to run away from dangerous things!!

Today I ran 2km at 6.4 km/h with an incline of 0.5. For American readers, a mile is about 1.6km so I did 1.25 miles.

And I really enjoyed it! Even though it was just on the treadmill and no uphill, it was still really fun and amazingly easy. Most exercise bores me after the first 5 minutes but I was on the treadmill for nearly 20 and look forward to more next time when I'm feeling even healthier.

For some great tips on running technique check out running.about.com. I always found running really intimidating but it turns out even someone with my mediocre fitness can get through a small jog!

Party party party party: Diary for 10 January

12:25 pm | 60 kg

What a long sleep! I kept dreaming things and going back to sleep anyway.

I'm feeling thin but tentatively so. I'm having some rice porridge with red lentils and fruit. It's warm and goes down well after the ginger and lime tea but it isn't very filling.

Nevertheless I feel much bigger after eating it!

Today we're having a social get-together I don't think I'm fit enough to handle. For starters it's a barbecue and natural light really hurts!

Before we go I want to do some cardio in the gym. If I can handle that then I can handle a barbecue!

But I probably shouldn't drink or eat too much. I'll only make myself worse.

Therapy goals

Yesterday I went to therapy in the morning and to the GP in the afternoon. The GP says I have a virus so I'm taking ginger tea and looking forward to getting better! When I'm feeling better I can do some more exercise, start to get in shape again.
Right now I'm watching star trek and my headache is getting better thank goodness!

My therapy goal for the next few weeks is to keep a stable weight. I seem to have hit a plateau so that shouldn't be too hard.

My homework for the week is to think about what my life would be like if I were not always thinking about food. I can't imagine for the life of me why it would be a good thing! All I know for sure is that it takes a conscious effort to stop from getting enormous! I'd like that to be a natural and easy process. I think I can bring myself to write about that.

I'd also like exercise and work to be far less difficult. To be able to focus on the moment instead of being distracted by self-doubt and self-loathing. That would be wonderful!

I'll think more about it over the next few days.

Feeling healthier: Diary resumes for 9 January 2009

9:30 am | 61 kg

Breakfast time! I'm having a bowl of fruit and a bowl of miso. I'm still sick so I've made up some ginger tea to drink during the day.

Right now I'm feeling really fat and thinking about all the exercise I'm going to do when it doesn't hurt my head to jolt around. Canberra fun run, look out! I only hope it eats into fat instead of muscle tissue.

12:56 pm

For lunch I've just finished a bowl of rice and veggies flavoured with lemon, tamari and a little miso. Yum! I even went back for a few more bites of green veggies before I was able to control myself.

Cooking makes me peckish so I had 2 celery stalks while I was waiting for it to finish.  Celery is delicious and I plan to chop some up for afternoon tea later on if I get hungry.

8:50 pm

For afternoon tea at 2:30 I had some celery sticks, a bowl of rice and veggies and a bowl of fruit. I also "tasted" while cooking some cupcakes that J of course hates.

For dinner I've just had some pie shared with J and then some fruit salad with strawberry yoghurt. I didn't really want it, I was just doing it for J.  I also had some more "taste" of his cupcake and we had some veggie juice and celery while the pie was cooking.

Now I feel as fat as this food will make me!!! If I wasn't falling asleep from the virus I'd be in the gym or out drinking coffee and staying up all night ironing or something.

Second day home sick

6:17 pm | 60 kg | BMI 18.3

My head is sore, my tummy is dizzy.  

The foggy head I had the last few days before going back to work turned out to be some nasty bug that I've been at home fighting off because I'm too sick to really stare at a computer screen.  Today even my muscles were shaking a bit so it must be some virus thingy.

I've been eating light food, generally liquid stuff - and keeping my fluids up anyway.

I'm feeling a bit too icky to eat much and I can't really remember exactly what my meals have been, just rice porridge and almond milk today and some salad for dinner last night (shared with J) and a nibble on the laksa he went out and got himself for supper around 8 o'clock.

Right now he's gone out to get us some take-away as I'm not really well enough to cook, even just left-over rice porridge.  I'm craving tofu so he's getting me a soy chicken soup to fix what ails me!

I've spent the mornings sleeping and the afternoons just sort of sitting around.  Yesterday I sewed a bag for J to put his dry cleaning in and today I've been reading Starship Troopers.  And plenty of Star Trek of course!

I'm thinking about sewing a dress or something to motivate me to keep slim but right now I'm too sick to focus on sewing anything at all, even this cute calico handbag with pink lining I've been working on.

I think exercising might help my body get rid of the toxins more easily so I'll do some exercise when it cools off this evening.  The BOM says not to expect a cool change until tomorrow but it's looking pretty grey and windy outside so I hope it cools off a bit overnight at least.

Um... so yeah that's about it.  I'm trying not to think about J going out for food and instead just updating my diary, reading my book and making some soothing lemon tea!

Not thinking "thin" - just trying not to worry!

Tao Te Ching

7:20 am | 60 kg | BMI 18.3

Those who wish to change the world
According with their desire
cannot succeed.

The world is shaped by the Way;
It cannot be shaped by the self.
Trying to change it, you damage it;
Trying to possess it, you lose it.

So some will lead, while others follow.
Some will be warm, others cold
Some will be strong, others weak.
Some will get where they are going
While others fall by the side of the road.

So the sage will be neither extravagant nor violent.

This is from Number 29 of Tao Te Ching.  This morning I have been reading over these simple teachings and trying to find some sense of peace in this turbulent world.

I believe very strongly in the teachings of the Old Man.  I find new truth in these teachings each time I read them.  I wish there was some simple lesson that I could turn to during times of stress but there is not!

The Tao Te Ching reminds us that physical existence, strains and urges are merely illusory.  Tao is the real truth of the Universe.  It is as described in the ancient and most modern texts:

The Way that can be experienced is not true;
The world that can be constructed is not real.
The Way manifests all that happens and may happen;
The world represents all that exists and may exist.

So to seek strength is to seek failure - because it's not real! I will think about this today.

First day back at work: I want to go home!!!

What a holiday! I had a beautiful Christmas day and anticipated just a week and a half off work. Instead I've been working nonstop!

Now I'm back at work again and absolutely wrecked!

J has already gone home sick and I want to follow him! Maybe I'll beg off early.

I started the day with a cup of miso and two bowls of rice porridge with 2 dried apricots. Then I had a cup of ginkgo to see me on my way.

When I got to the office my colleague had brought me dark chocolate. Thoughtful but um... no. So I chopped it up to share and put it out with some sugarfree mints.

Now I'm on my second coffee (served weaker than last year's and with just a splash of hazelnut flavoured rice milk) and I've filled the jug with my grapefruit juiced cold water.

Can I go home to bed now?

I'm not hungry but I've brought plenty of food and snacks and stuff for if I want it later. Actually I'm too tired to be hungry!

I did a little bit of skipping rope this morning as promised but it just made me feel really dizzy like I was detoxing or something - so goodness knows what I've done to myself over the break but obviously I need to eat much more organically rather than just diet coke and chewing gum!

2:41 pm

I had my lunch of 2 pieces of tofu in crackers as sandwiches. I think it was about 250 Cals plus of course coffee, some sweets and this morning's breakfast bringing me up to about 650.

I'm ready to go home and lie down now. When can it be the end of the day? Hey J I hope you're feeling better!

Update

Dinner: It came, I pretended to want it, I ended up bingeing because I didn't want to think about it, and I purged.

From now on I need to trust my instincts about food - including throwing it out if need be!

Vague, dopey, but getting over it

All the rich, sweet and artificial food of the season certainly takes its toll. So do the interrupted sleep cycles and long afternoon naps that left us both feeling completely dopey the last few days.

For breakfast today I just had a little grapefruit and some other fruit. For lunch I had plenty of cereal and for dinner a nice big bowl of soup and plenty of salad.

I was feeling extremely dopey and slow all day like someone had fed me zombie powder or got me stoned! But I ate well and drank plenty of water and it's clearing up and J thinks I got plenty of housework done.

Work starts again tomorrow so I hope to start up my exercise again before and after work. I know I've been thinking about it all week but I've been feeling pretty bad about everything and it's been getting me down. And when I'm down it's hard to get the energy for anything.

Wish me luck tomorrow! I really don't know if I can handle it!!

Lunch

Afraid I'm having a liquid lunch today. No food for me so I've had a champagne cocktail and there's a plain champagne on its way. Still too many calories tho! Even without food.

I'd better be careful for the rest of the day.

Still haven't done any real exercise, just a tiny bit of walking around town.

The best laid plans of mice... Diary update

9:20 am

Yesterday did not go according to plan.  After a lunch of celery, carrot and cucumber sticks (one rice bowl) and a few grapes I almost finished the ironing and then went to dinner with J and some friends from work.

I had 2 plates of salad (side plates, not much dressing) a little soup (it wasn't very good) and 2 glasses of red with an espresso and diet coke for dessert.

This morning I've had 2 bowls of cereal, some grapes and 1.5 chocolate sesame snaps. 

I'm finishing up my breakfast with a half-sweet Greek coffee and getting ready to do a bit more cleaning and stuff.

Hmmm let's see if we can have a nice quiet day or if it all get carried away again.

Still tired but feeling stronger: Diary 2 January 2009

8:30 am | 60 kg | BMI 18.3

I haven't been very precise about my eating habits lately.  I think it's just that I'm trying not to think about the exact food I'm eating.  It only seems to go down properly if I eat mindlessly!

I know my goal is to be aware of my eating so I'll try to improve.

My head is still sore and I'm still thirsty.  Another big jug of water for me today!

I've a mountain of ironing to do and it's time to wash some clothes too.

Food is all prepared from yesterday so should be no problem.

2:00 pm

After writing the above I went back to sleep until about 12:30! Then when I woke up properly I had a huge bowl of miso soup with a little bit of last night's veggie soup mixed in and about a dozen grapes.  Such a big breakfast!

My jobs for today:

1. Make sure the kitchen is clean and tidy (just a little extra washing on the dishes and stuff)
2. Make sure the clothes are ironed and put away
3. Get to the gym for another 1.6 km run at 6.4 km/h on incline 0.5 and a set of strength training.
4. This is the nice bit! When I've done all the above I'm going to treat myself with some sewing!!

I'm thinking I'll probably be making green curry for dinner (since Friday is traditionally our date night) but I'm serving it with salad so it's half a plate of salad, a bowl of rice and just a little curry.  I think J will like that!

Yaay! So I've made a big jug of iced green tea with lemon and I've had half a red bull and some chewing gum.  And that's it!

Diary: running low on confidence

61kg | BMI 18.6

Yesterday I was running very low on confidence and binged all day.  Then went out for dinner and drank too much.

Fun times.

Today I'd like to do a good hike or some solid exercise for 2009 and work on some positive affirmations for who I'd like to become during the year.

I started with a big helping of leftover pasta for breakfast this morning.  Extra protein for my muscles! Now if only I could be bothered to go to the gym or do some exercise or something.

1:00 am

I purged my morning pasta but managed to keep my food intake reasonable for the rest of the day! Finally...

J and I went shopping this afternoon and I chopped up vegetable sticks and even made a wombok soup so there's plenty of low-cal snacks for the next few days!

J got me Star Trek to watch (geeky attack!) and now I'm watching White Christmas again! Yaay!

I've also done a big stack of drawings to help deal with the strain of binge compulsions and diet obsessions.  They're not that great to look at, but very expressive and help to deal with the stress.

Haven't exercised properly because I'm pretty tired although I have been on my feet all day.  I'll try again tomorrow. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz