Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Tired and motivated: Diary for 13 January

7:00 am | 59 kg | BMI 18.0

My porridge is cooling. My tea is licorice and aniseed (already cooled). I'm about to do some sit-ups and push-ups before breakfast and I don't know what other exercise, maybe some skipping rope!

I'm starting to be free of all the weight that has been dragging me down - shortly I'll reach a maintenance phase where I can start focusing on building my shape more carefully.

It's looking like a pretty day, I may even be able to walk to work if I skip the skipping rope and get my hurry on!

10:15 am

This morning has gone soooo badly so far!!

I've had everything go wrong including fights, lost keys and a ladder in my stockings when I finally was nearly here!

I bought some cammomile tea to help relax however it's on to the strong stuff now!

I was SOOO hungry a few minutes ago! I've had a piece of licorice and I've brought my leftover fruity porridge (with apple, banana, nuts and seeds) and I could just - I don't know what actually. I don't want to eat, I just want some energy and my tummy to not hurt! It's settling down from the licorice anyway. I'll have some green tea now.

11:00 am

I've had a sugarfree mint. How many calories have I eaten this morning? 200? Half an apple, half a banana, a half cup of cooked rice... less than 30 cals in candy snacks. How many would I prefer to eat all day long? About 200 more and that's it.

I can't go on like this!! ARRRRRRHHHH!!!!

12:00 pm

I very strongly watered down the rest of my porridge and had it for lunch. Nom nom nom nom nom and the monster inside of me just wants MORE!

Why??

I don't know what to do! I'm stuck in this bulimia vs anorexia battle where I don't know whether eating more is the right thing or the wrong thing - so I'm just drinking some water mixed with a little grapefruit juice. I've filled up my jug!

This is NOT FUN at all. I'm surrounded by food anyway - but I don't know how much to eat. I'm thinking of holding off til midday and having a muesli bar. Or I can just have a rice crispbread or 2 now and something smaller later.

I was thinking about making roasted veggies for dinner - so if I was going to have a good meal tonight I really shouldn't overdo it during the day. Otherwise what's the point, right?

OK I'll open a muesli bar but I won't eat it all. I'll just take as much as I need and then throw out the rest if necessary (or put it away for later). It's 252 cals for the whole thing so I could have half without making too much of a dent on my daily count. I'm also making a nice big cup of green tea!

3:45 pm

I had about 2/3 of my muesli bar and I've had a few more mints. Like 2 or 3. My colleague even made me a coffee which I had with a "splash" of milk. Right now I'm running extremely low on energy and feeling rather faint! I've dealt with it by having a 19-cal crispbread. So that brings me up to about 850, I can't help but be aware!

All I want to do is go home to BED!!!

5:00 pm

I think I've almost made it through the afternoon!! I've still had another half a candy because the sugar keeps me from dropping out but from here on in, it's just go home, boil up some split peas and go to sleeeeeeeep. No more snacking risk!!

My clothes seem significantly looser.

Wrap-up

Went to my friend's place and splashed about in the pool for a while and cooked some split peas and veggies in what should have been a soup but the split peas were taking too long.

I had a serve that must have been around 400mL.  Not sure, they were large bowls.

When we got home I was still really hungry so I served up a big bowl of fruit and shared it with J and then I had a little bowl of puffed buckwheat and a few nuts.  I felt pretty icky and then J started talking again about how he doesn't want me to lose weight! Oh dear.

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