A couple of days ago Spider said:
I wonder if, as the self-loathing diminishes, exercise and work and weight control will become easier and more natural.
Hmm, me too!
Imagine if, last night for example, my drinking were moderated by a simple desire to take care of myself and an understanding that getting trashed would not make me happy... rather than an obsessive paranoia about calories and fear of hangovers and depressed immune system.
I would have shown up to the party, feeling a bit sick because I have been lately. Then I would have had my coffee (for the energy to get over my head cold) and a few glasses of water because it was a hot day. At some point a glass of wine would have been social but with my new confidence I wouldn't need alcohol to feel like I was fitting in and bonding with the other girls! I could simply talk and join in the fun and games!
I could have had a second nice big glass of cranberry juice instead or a glass of orange juice - much healthier and very yummy!
My therapist has me writing down everything I eat - I just did it in my phone last night and emailed it in when I got home. Instead of going to my phone once an hour or so, I could have simply put it down and got caught up in conversation - since obviously I wouldn't be worried about food, and instead would be enjoying my friends' company!
I'd still be the same Widget singing and dancing and playing with the Playstation and Wii.
I'd still be the same Widget talking to the girls, talking to the boys and cuddling J when I got a bit sleepy towards the end of the night.
I wouldn't be self-conscious about that - everyone thinks I'm gorgeous with my cute little ways!
At dinner time I would have just filled up my small plate and eaten some veggies. Yeah, they're barbecued in oil but it's just a small plate. (Instead of trying to eat less and then feeling guilty about going back for seconds!)
Arriving home, instead of watching cartoons I was thinking about doing some meditating or reading some religious texts before bed. Actually I'll probably do that now, I'm up pretty early!
So that's how I'd be if I was cured. Eating about the same calories, but for different reasons. And more importantly, spending them where I'd want to instead of being too timid to be a bit different!
This morning I'm planning an exercise walk followed by some cleaning before Monday morning.
I guess healthy Widget would be spending this time working on her other, neglected writing efforts, while making a healthy breakfast. She'd warm up well, do her exercise then have something else to eat afterwards. (I'm thinking about a lovely creamy cappuccino!)
There's time to hang out the towels I washed yesterday and put on another load of washing (it shouldn't wake up J, he's a pretty determined sleeper!) and then just some sit-ups before the walk because I am working on my strength!
Same activities but in this scenario I'm confidently aiming for what I want rather than running from what I don't want.