Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Anyway I digress.
Smirnoff are a bunch of smart-asses so they just made a citrusy flavoured pre-mix out of purified beer and didn't call it vodka even though their brand name basically implies that it is.
Now the puritans are in a flap about how dare they exploit a loophole in the definition of fun to get everyone drunk at a reasonable price again. Teenagers won't know it's alcoholic and will binge drink!! Won't SOMEBODY think of the children!
Honestly this puritan vs hedonism attitude is most of the reason I ended up with ED. Maybe we should all just learn to enjoy ourselves a little bit instead of holding ourselves to unrealistic standards and then going out binge drinking because it's impossible to be healthy!
And maybe I should just eat what I want when I'm comfortable rather than caring what anyone else thinks of me.
I like the person whose birthday it is but I don't really want to have pizza. Besides the only food they serve is salad so it's not as if I'd be joining in anyway. I'd just be feeling guilty about not working.
So I'd stuff myself to try and cover my discomfort.
I think I'd rather just stay home and go to the gym for a bit and then work or maybe try and catch up with my music teacher. I think I'd like that much better.
|07:00||2pcs marinated tofu (satay)||I was trying to eat a good breakfast (plenty of protein) so that I wouldn't get hungry. I didn't want to get hungry!!! What if I accidentally have a greedy attack? What if I have so many greedy moments that I start to get fat and everyone can see???|
|1/2 serve miso|
|1/2 serve tea|
|few tbs dried blueberries and a couple nuts|
|12:00||Muesli bar||Low cal. About 136. That's all I could think - and how glad that I wasn't super hungry!|
|Office snacks||Tea||With mint. It's healthier than coffee and all I need in the mornings|
|Water with lemon & ginger||I try to drink a whole jug|
|Sugarfree mints and chewing gum||It's supposed to be stimulant and appetite suppressant although it depends on what's causing the appetite|
|14:00||Black coffee||In a meeting - and it made me energetic! I want so much more now!!! Cocaine, speed, I don't care, I just want to buzzzzzzz!!|
|15:00||"Binge" motivation (not extreme quantities but extreme thoughts)||During this period I felt almost a sense of panic. I could tell that my eating was controlling me but I was unable to fight. |
I bought a lot more food than I have nominated here (it's in my drawer) and I was like a prisoner who is starved all week but has a weekly hour in a room with a buffet - which can't be taken back to the cell. It was as if my body thought it was now or never!
I do feel like I am a prisoner of my feelings.
|1 pkt black sesame rice crackers (250 cals)|
|1 pkt mung bean chips (200 cals)|
|Some nibbles of a trail mix including gourmet ingredients like chocolate buttons and cranberry raisins|
|16:00||Organic coffee with a splash of malt-free soy||Because I hate waiting for the afternoon to finish so I can go home! I just want to power through that last bit!|
|Some fruit and nuts||Because I just can't stop myself! Yuck!!! How do I focus on the things I'm doing????|
|18:00||1 cold roll||Because I already had enough, but needed to get J fed and quiet.|
|Nibbles from laksa|
|20:00||A shot of vodka in mineral water||Just something to make the process of responding to selection criteria a bit enjoyable and relaxing.|
|Some fruit and nuts|
The OH&S drones who insist on accommodating the least deserving are now turning their attention to the width of chairs in offices.
They obviously don't actually care about the health and safety of the workers in question otherwise why encourage them to be fat lazy slugs with butts that don't fit on people chairs? Why not just use the Japanese method of morning PT?
Well, I've had enough of this. I'm going to pump up my Swiss ball so I can get a decent core workout instead of slumping into my chair. Did you know that office chairs are required to have backs for lounging in? Using a Swiss ball full-time is a violation of OH&S because you might actually get some exercise and there's an according risk of injury. The company is now selling frames to put your ball in so you can mimic exercise without actually risking any real challenge to your body.
Luckily my boss knows if I accidentally get some exercise I won't sue - I'll just suck it up and take a rest day on my lounge chair if necessary.
Monday, January 19, 2009
This has actually inhibited me from blogging until now because the simple fact is that I don't know what those are.
One important thing about binges that she told me is they are much more likely if the body is starving from failure to have proper breakfast. So I've been focusing on that and it has helped.
Also when I'm dieting, because I have so many rules about what I'll eat, when and how much, eating a single celery stick out of expectations (typically something like "I've eaten too much now I won't have anything until J is ready for dinner") then it's like when an alcoholic has just one drink and it's very hard to stop!!!
So that's why I have to explore that feeling and stabilise the eating I do. So I'm not like some horrible food junkie all the time, up down, starving, vomiting and so on.
Dear ED. Get out and leave me in peace!!! From W
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
So when making a decision it's important to be aware of your priorities and the likely outcomes of your actions.
My final thought for you is this: If you're not directing your future towards a positive outcome, who is? Because chances are that you'll start living the life that it benefits those people for you to live.
Oh my goodness! I'm facing such a big binge urge today! I'm on my third coffee (the first was espresso, the second 2 are with malt-free soy milk at less than 50 cals per 100mL)
So tired!!! I had a ginkgo in the last meeting as I've had enough coffee. After that last coffee I also had 2 mints.
I'm feeling really bad about food today. I feel like I'm just going to have a blow-out day and lose control.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
This morning has gone soooo badly so far!!
I've had everything go wrong including fights, lost keys and a ladder in my stockings when I finally was nearly here!
I bought some cammomile tea to help relax however it's on to the strong stuff now!
I was SOOO hungry a few minutes ago! I've had a piece of licorice and I've brought my leftover fruity porridge (with apple, banana, nuts and seeds) and I could just - I don't know what actually. I don't want to eat, I just want some energy and my tummy to not hurt! It's settling down from the licorice anyway. I'll have some green tea now.
I've had a sugarfree mint. How many calories have I eaten this morning? 200? Half an apple, half a banana, a half cup of cooked rice... less than 30 cals in candy snacks. How many would I prefer to eat all day long? About 200 more and that's it.
I can't go on like this!! ARRRRRRHHHH!!!!
I very strongly watered down the rest of my porridge and had it for lunch. Nom nom nom nom nom and the monster inside of me just wants MORE!
I don't know what to do! I'm stuck in this bulimia vs anorexia battle where I don't know whether eating more is the right thing or the wrong thing - so I'm just drinking some water mixed with a little grapefruit juice. I've filled up my jug!
This is NOT FUN at all. I'm surrounded by food anyway - but I don't know how much to eat. I'm thinking of holding off til midday and having a muesli bar. Or I can just have a rice crispbread or 2 now and something smaller later.
I was thinking about making roasted veggies for dinner - so if I was going to have a good meal tonight I really shouldn't overdo it during the day. Otherwise what's the point, right?
OK I'll open a muesli bar but I won't eat it all. I'll just take as much as I need and then throw out the rest if necessary (or put it away for later). It's 252 cals for the whole thing so I could have half without making too much of a dent on my daily count. I'm also making a nice big cup of green tea!
I had about 2/3 of my muesli bar and I've had a few more mints. Like 2 or 3. My colleague even made me a coffee which I had with a "splash" of milk. Right now I'm running extremely low on energy and feeling rather faint! I've dealt with it by having a 19-cal crispbread. So that brings me up to about 850, I can't help but be aware!
All I want to do is go home to BED!!!
I think I've almost made it through the afternoon!! I've still had another half a candy because the sugar keeps me from dropping out but from here on in, it's just go home, boil up some split peas and go to sleeeeeeeep. No more snacking risk!!
My clothes seem significantly looser.
Monday, January 12, 2009
Not an ideal situation.
I don't feel sleepy - I don't want to lie down. I just want to take something into my body that will counteract the tiredness I am experiencing.
Of course apart from really strong drugs that I wouldn't take... there's no such thing.
So here I am interpreting tiredness as hungriness just because I have an obsession. If I didn't have this obsession I would be able to push through the tiredness, make the most of what energy I have rather than dedicating it all to thoughts of food I don't want to distract me.
I'm basically willing the hours to tick by, watching the clock, celebrating each minute passed without eating anything.
This leaves very little time to enjoy my job or to do a good job of it!
I can't wait til I stop obsessing and just work through the morning to lunch time then work through the afternoon to home time and then relax when I get home!
Breakfast was what amounted to a heaping bowl of quinoa with savoury yeast flakes and soy sauce for flavouring and a tiny handfull of currants.
I'll add that I didn't really enjoy it but you gotta eat what you gotta eat! I have to get my vitamins and protein into me somehow!
At the office. ARRRRHHH!!!
I've had 2 cups of green tea this morning: one with peppermint before I left the house and one with ginger in the office. I've also had 2 sugarfree mints. I drove to the office and I'm already off the calorie dial!!!
I want to have so much coffee and speed that I don't have to think all day!
Hey actually I think I have red bull in the fridge. Well it's an option for later if I get totally stressed out!
Oh dear, it's going to be one of those days! Here I am exhausted and all that and I can't help thinking about what I'm going to put into my body. I can't just be strong on my own and ride it out.
Well, that's what I intend to do! I'm strong and I don't have to obsess about food if I don't want to!
I'm having a coffee with some milk I conveniently left in the fridge last week. Still good! I'm not supposed to be counting calories but quinoa is fattening! I'm already up to 500!!!
I had my lunch basically right on 12 o'clock: A grapefruit, 3 prunes, 2 of my 19-calorie rice crackers and a nice cup of green chai. I'm about to have another cup of tea - this is yummy!
Finally I'm feeling a lot less hungry than I was a while back!!
I'm having another cup of tea and a piece of licorice. The licorice is less calories than if I had milk in coffee: I think it's 17 cals a piece. A little sugar buzz to get me through the next couple of hours!
I had a second piece of licorice at about 4 o'clock and plenty of tea for the rest of the afternoon. I'm exhausted from all today's work now!! Just got to go a bit past 5:30 or so and then I can go have some fun!!!
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Artist Ivonne Thien, in an attempt to mock the thin ideal and pro-ana has accidentally created a collection of images that pro-ana is calling beautiful and the art world is calling confronting and grotesque and stuff. The collection, Thirty-two Kilos, can be previewed on Ivonne's website however anyone in Washington should go see it - and I'd encourage (beg) Ivonne to bring her work to the National Gallery of Australia!!! My preview image came from the Washington Post article offering much more analysis than I can cover. But I wanted to add this:
A couple of days ago Spider said:
I wonder if, as the self-loathing diminishes, exercise and work and weight control will become easier and more natural.
At 4:40 I realised that I was getting a bit worn down and had a handfull of grapes.
At 5:30 J got me a big glass of cranberry juice with plenty of ice. I'm pretty headachey so I'm happy to stay hungry and vague but it makes it hard to join in the conversation.
With my juice I'm also having a few more grapes and my friend is also making me a coffee cos I seem to need the energy. I suppose.
At 6:30 shooters started getting handed around. I had something coconutty on top and maybe raspberry underneath.
At 7:30 I've abandoned the other half of my juice, it's too sweet!!! I've just had 2 more grapes though.
I feel like such a nerd tracking all my food. I think our host is about to put together apple martinis. Mmmm... But so much superfluous sugar!! He's diabetic so he's even more of a sweet-tooth than I am!
Oh, ok. It's shooters of frangelico and chambord.
At 8 o'clock the next drinks are sugary too. I had a few tastes of the shooter and chaser and just gave it to J. Too much sugar!!!
By 9 o'clock I've had what has to be my last drink: frangelico. I mixed the other half with my second espresso. Because it's the healthy way to stay awake, energetic and dancing!
At 9:50 dinner's done! 2 small plates of barbecue: 2 tofus, an eggplant slice, 2 sweet potato slices and 2 zucchini slices then about a cup of grapes for dessert. I'm such a fat whale!!!!!!
At 10 o'clock I give in and have half a glass or whatever of absolut raspberry.
At 11 o'clock I'm peckish again but realise I must have had about 1500 cals or more just at the party. So I'm just pushing through it, dancing and thinking about staying sober enough to have a good time, and eating little enough to stay slim. I'm even thinking about a midnight jog although I know it's not going to happen! I'm trying to line up a morning walk though. My friend is spinning the vinyl, the grooves are mellow and I don't need to eat!!!
11:30 - we're such nerds, we're playing Wii Fit! My random BMI was 18.47 and my balance was atrocious. It said my Wii Fit age is 36!!! Most of the others are bummed because their Mii suddenly became really cute and chubby!!!
I blame alcohol for all negative readings. ;)
We've realised this is awesome and we really want one!!
I've also lined up a 9 o'clock walking date.
Midnight. Time for sleepybies!!
Saturday, January 10, 2009
Today I ran 2km at 6.4 km/h with an incline of 0.5. For American readers, a mile is about 1.6km so I did 1.25 miles.
And I really enjoyed it! Even though it was just on the treadmill and no uphill, it was still really fun and amazingly easy. Most exercise bores me after the first 5 minutes but I was on the treadmill for nearly 20 and look forward to more next time when I'm feeling even healthier.
For some great tips on running technique check out running.about.com. I always found running really intimidating but it turns out even someone with my mediocre fitness can get through a small jog!
What a long sleep! I kept dreaming things and going back to sleep anyway.
I'm feeling thin but tentatively so. I'm having some rice porridge with red lentils and fruit. It's warm and goes down well after the ginger and lime tea but it isn't very filling.
Nevertheless I feel much bigger after eating it!
Today we're having a social get-together I don't think I'm fit enough to handle. For starters it's a barbecue and natural light really hurts!
Before we go I want to do some cardio in the gym. If I can handle that then I can handle a barbecue!
But I probably shouldn't drink or eat too much. I'll only make myself worse.
Friday, January 9, 2009
Right now I'm watching star trek and my headache is getting better thank goodness!
My therapy goal for the next few weeks is to keep a stable weight. I seem to have hit a plateau so that shouldn't be too hard.
My homework for the week is to think about what my life would be like if I were not always thinking about food. I can't imagine for the life of me why it would be a good thing! All I know for sure is that it takes a conscious effort to stop from getting enormous! I'd like that to be a natural and easy process. I think I can bring myself to write about that.
I'd also like exercise and work to be far less difficult. To be able to focus on the moment instead of being distracted by self-doubt and self-loathing. That would be wonderful!
I'll think more about it over the next few days.
Breakfast time! I'm having a bowl of fruit and a bowl of miso. I'm still sick so I've made up some ginger tea to drink during the day.
Right now I'm feeling really fat and thinking about all the exercise I'm going to do when it doesn't hurt my head to jolt around. Canberra fun run, look out! I only hope it eats into fat instead of muscle tissue.
For lunch I've just finished a bowl of rice and veggies flavoured with lemon, tamari and a little miso. Yum! I even went back for a few more bites of green veggies before I was able to control myself.
Cooking makes me peckish so I had 2 celery stalks while I was waiting for it to finish. Celery is delicious and I plan to chop some up for afternoon tea later on if I get hungry.
For afternoon tea at 2:30 I had some celery sticks, a bowl of rice and veggies and a bowl of fruit. I also "tasted" while cooking some cupcakes that J of course hates.
For dinner I've just had some pie shared with J and then some fruit salad with strawberry yoghurt. I didn't really want it, I was just doing it for J. I also had some more "taste" of his cupcake and we had some veggie juice and celery while the pie was cooking.
Now I feel as fat as this food will make me!!! If I wasn't falling asleep from the virus I'd be in the gym or out drinking coffee and staying up all night ironing or something.
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Those who wish to change the world
According with their desire
The world is shaped by the Way;
It cannot be shaped by the self.
Trying to change it, you damage it;
Trying to possess it, you lose it.
So some will lead, while others follow.
Some will be warm, others cold
Some will be strong, others weak.
Some will get where they are going
While others fall by the side of the road.
So the sage will be neither extravagant nor violent.
The Way that can be experienced is not true;
The world that can be constructed is not real.
The Way manifests all that happens and may happen;
The world represents all that exists and may exist.
Monday, January 5, 2009
Now I'm back at work again and absolutely wrecked!
J has already gone home sick and I want to follow him! Maybe I'll beg off early.
I started the day with a cup of miso and two bowls of rice porridge with 2 dried apricots. Then I had a cup of ginkgo to see me on my way.
When I got to the office my colleague had brought me dark chocolate. Thoughtful but um... no. So I chopped it up to share and put it out with some sugarfree mints.
Now I'm on my second coffee (served weaker than last year's and with just a splash of hazelnut flavoured rice milk) and I've filled the jug with my grapefruit juiced cold water.
Can I go home to bed now?
I'm not hungry but I've brought plenty of food and snacks and stuff for if I want it later. Actually I'm too tired to be hungry!
I did a little bit of skipping rope this morning as promised but it just made me feel really dizzy like I was detoxing or something - so goodness knows what I've done to myself over the break but obviously I need to eat much more organically rather than just diet coke and chewing gum!
I had my lunch of 2 pieces of tofu in crackers as sandwiches. I think it was about 250 Cals plus of course coffee, some sweets and this morning's breakfast bringing me up to about 650.
I'm ready to go home and lie down now. When can it be the end of the day? Hey J I hope you're feeling better!
For breakfast today I just had a little grapefruit and some other fruit. For lunch I had plenty of cereal and for dinner a nice big bowl of soup and plenty of salad.
I was feeling extremely dopey and slow all day like someone had fed me zombie powder or got me stoned! But I ate well and drank plenty of water and it's clearing up and J thinks I got plenty of housework done.
Work starts again tomorrow so I hope to start up my exercise again before and after work. I know I've been thinking about it all week but I've been feeling pretty bad about everything and it's been getting me down. And when I'm down it's hard to get the energy for anything.
Wish me luck tomorrow! I really don't know if I can handle it!!
Saturday, January 3, 2009
I'd better be careful for the rest of the day.
Still haven't done any real exercise, just a tiny bit of walking around town.
Friday, January 2, 2009
- Make sure the kitchen is clean and tidy (just a little extra washing on the dishes and stuff)
- Make sure the clothes are ironed and put away
- Get to the gym for another 1.6 km run at 6.4 km/h on incline 0.5 and a set of strength training.
- This is the nice bit! When I've done all the above I'm going to treat myself with some sewing!!