Thursday, December 18, 2008

I hate bingeing - Diary 18 December 2008

6:37 am | Height: 1.81cm | Weight: 60kg | BMI: 18.3

Today I'm recovering from the results of yesterday's binge which means I'm puffy in the face and red around the eyes. Luckily they have make-up for that kind of thing now.

I'm dedicated to using exercise to moderate my appetite - I believe that's one healthy way to really curb my bingeing.

This morning I've had about a cup of grapes and done the Carmen Electra warm-up. Now it's to the gym for a few minutes to see if a bit of extra blood flow in the morning will do anything to help keep me warm during the day, because I'm expecting the exact same weather as yesterday!

Dammit! Summer isn't meant to be cold! I think I need to have a word with my landlord about the air conditioning.

7:40 am

I did about 10 minutes on the elliptical and I'm about to do the 45 minute walk to work, so that's my morning warm-up covered!

I came home and ate one plum, two prunes and about 5 almonds and a pinch of pepitas.

I've now got to put on a lot of make-up to cover the red all over my eyes and then get my butt out the door!

Maybe I should stop focusing on losing weight and restricting calories and start focusing on toning up. I've been too out of balance to exercise properly (or maybe just too disorganised) and I really want to get going every evening.

All I need to do is half an hour of cardio and just one of the three machines. That should do me until I gain a considerable amount of strength.

11:14 am

I'm really tired and unfocused today. I went out last night but it's not as if I was drinking or staying up late!

In the office I immediately fetched myself a big cup of bouillon because I was craving salt and had already had 3 roasted salted peas. I felt so disgusting eating it! Just giving in to cravings like an animal...

I made my usual jug of water with a little juice and I've had most of that already.

I've also had a big pot of gunpowder tea.

I can't describe how icky I feel right now - I feel completely overfull and stuffed like just before a big purge, I actually feel like I'm at that moment where your fingers are down your throat and the food is on its way up, I feel like there's icky food in my oesophagus wanting to come up.

At the same time I feel nausea that's probably associated with an empty tummy or last night's purge or both. I think my tummy is very unhappy. I'm not sure what to do.

12:00 pm

The clock says it's nearly lunch time but my stomach says I still feel really icky and I don't want it. I've had a few days where it's like that: I know I need to eat at least a little bit but I just can't bear to!

Well, there's no need to eat anything just now anyway. I've got absolutely hours before I need to worry about forcing myself! Maybe I'll get hungry around 4 o'clock in the afternoon.

I think instead of lunch I'll take a break for a walk when the boss gets back into the office. Maybe the fresh air will bring back my bounce! I need to get us some office supplies anyway so it's a perfect opportunity.

1:20 pm

I finally felt I could stomach a little food so I had some leftovers from yesterday's lunch - just a few forkfulls really, maybe half what I had yesterday. With lots of water!

I threw the rest in the bin.

I was thinking about continuing to eat but I could tell I was facing a binge so I stopped.

I've got plenty of fruit to have before the gym, so there's not much risk of me fainting or anything.

Now I feel my stomach sticking out and my thighs spreading out so I'm taking care to hold them in, which is also a great exercise anyway!

I don't know why I still have so much disgusting cellulite, I wish it would just go away! Everything else looks OK but my thighs are disgusting! I covered up with little shorts when I went swimming at my friend's house but you could still see dimples and flab everywhere.

I seem to be feeling a little "cloudy" today. No fresh ideas at all, it's the perfect day for me to just do heaps of mind-numbing admin which I am. My mind can't possibly get any more numb.

3:00 pm

I wonder if taking a break to stretch and do some "office workout" is really as good as they say it is. I guess it all adds up - five two-minute breaks adds up to 10 minutes of exercise. Certainly helps me to concentrate although I'm still not feeling hungry.

4:40 pm

I've had about 2/3 of a banana to ensure I can get through the gym OK later. It hasn't even sparked my appetite. Oh well, good! Maybe next time I am starving hungry I can think of today and have a little to eat. So far today I'd estimate 370 Cals and usually I'd be sooo hungry but today I guess it's alright to have a not-hungry day. I'm in my fat-burning phase so maybe my body just shrugged it off and started burning fat. One can only hope!

5:49 pm

I've had enough work for one day. I'm going to pack up all my notes and take them home - maybe I'll get some more done after the gym (but I really should be cleaning the house!)

Big meeting tomorrow - my performance review went poorly (I'm a creative energetic person in a plodding job so it's kind of hard to sit still) so this is kind of a follow-up to that. I want to be prepared.

9:53 pm

I did 20 minutes of elliptical and some weights.  Now I have a basic schedule for weights that should keep me challenged.

For dinner I made a smoothie from almond milk, goji berries and carob then I chopped some raw vegies with a teensy bit of hommus.  5 grapes for dessert and I was so full!!

Didn't get any work done so I'll be up early, but I did fold the washing, clean the kitchen and put on some towels! Ready for bed now!

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

One can only hope??...

Well from my calculations, you would need a caloric intake of just under 2000 cals/day to keep a steady weight. Anything less would simply mean over time a steady decrease in weight. You have dropped a fair amount of weight recently and fairly quickly, what you should hope about is are you putting enough fuel in your body to avoid catabolism and screwing up your metabolism. You are so close to what you consider your goal weight, but what then? Will you be able to handle maintaining it in a healthy way? Will thing just become clearer and better?

What I hope you would think about is the underlying things that make you feel the way you do, doing positive things for yourself and understanding the wonderful beautiful person you have shown me you are.

Maybe you'll one day understand why I've asked you to avoid pro-ana material and why I've asked for you to remove those links from your blog, or maybe you'll always think I don't understand the support they give. In all honesty I've seen the effect on you they have, and as I've said the support is empty for you and only reinforces the negativity you have, this is something you've shown me. I love you, with everything I can. I'm always thinking of us and our future and I hope you are too as that goal is so much more rewarding than sheding 2kg's which won't change who you are to me.

xoxoxo