Sunday, December 28, 2008

Funeral stress

Last night I was up until about 2 or 3, mostly just chillin, I had a serve of vodka and a few rice crackers when I got home.

I'm just getting ready to go out for my walk or jog or whatever - I just have to choose a route. Whatever I do it will be flat but there are different paths to take of various lengths and proximity to town and highways.

I'm surrounded by so much drama and action. Everyone wanted to talk last night about how scarey it was finding Pop at 4am and dealing with the body and seeing his face but my mum's husband wasn't really ready so I just took him out to relax and of course he got all CREEPY just like when I was a teenager and even weirder he started telling me about his disordered eating which I knew about but never really thought of.

So now the creepy step-father wants me to help prepare some words and to say them at the funeral for him. He says I'm his "favourite" child! If you think I'd be stressed you're right. I had to talk to J for an hour before I could sleep.

Now I'm just wondering what to really do with myself this morning. 6km round trip to town for coffee? Jog and a shower? Just do what I want to and drive home?

I think I can help him to process his grief a bit but if he were to blow a gasket and go on a rampage surprise would not be my response.

Why does this have to be me???? Oh yeah, because my mum has zero coping skills too, she isn't crazy but that doesn't put her automatically into a position to counsel someone who is!

The thing is, I'm not at full capacity either! I'm obsessed with food and pretty crippled by anxiety. So I asked his brother to help and he's expecting the same drama I am but he's in no position to help either because HIS DAD JUST DIED!!

Well screw this lying in bed. My stomach isn't sore so it must be time to punish it with some sit-ups and related exercises. I wonder how far it is to the edge of the valley.

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