Monday, December 22, 2008

Cheerful start

9:00 am | 181 cm | 60 kg | BMI 18.3

Today I'm wearing blue stockings for some reason. I did half an hour for my morning cardio (cycling level 6 random) while reading about EDs and then I had just one rice-bowl of muesli. It's not entirely clear how many calories are in a serve that size but I'll just guess around 200 or maybe a little more when served with berry and fruit juice.

I ate the whole bowl - I said to myself "this is your breakfast, no more fretting about food until lunch" - then I ironed some clothes, fixed my hair and drove myself to work. (Too much time in the gym -> not enough time to walk. Still, cycling is the better exercise and now I can leave my car here for the rest of the week.)

I've brought some sushi rolls for lunch, a banana for dessert and some raisins and almonds for afternoon tea. So it's another 200 cals or slightly more for lunch and a little less in the afternoon, which is still small but at least now I don't need to fret about it.

I've got my jug of water and all the herbal tea I can drink. Right now I'm attempting to pep myself up with ginkgo biloba but it's not really having the desired effect.

9:28 am

OK W, think this through. You can't just be having a meal every hour. You're not hungry yet, you had breakfast just a little while ago. You have an obsession. Feel it, accept it. Your body wants food to deal with emotional problems. While accepting this reality you feel your appetite wane. Just let it go. Focus on what's in front of you today. Focus on what is happening now.

You're not like this because your mother didn't love you or your friends laughed at you. You're obsessing because you're finding comfort in the obsession. But it's not fun, is it? So do something practical! Focus on the papers in front of you, the work that you're going to get done today. Think about how good you're going to feel when it's done.

Widget, you're doing OK. Enjoy the music playing at your desk. Enjoy the cup of tea by your keyboard. Enjoy the working day and cleaning up in time for the holidays. Feel proud! Yes, really, why not? Anyone else would be happy - you have the right to choose happiness if you want it. You can choose happiness and success - it's all up to you what you choose for yourself.

Now get out there and enjoy it!

11:00 am

I keep thinking about coffee. Maybe I should halt my focus on quick fixes and instead look at what Bodhidharma considered appropriate - like a nice cup of green tea!

If I'm still exhausted after a couple of cups of green tea maybe then worrying about some coffee or some red bull will make sense, but it's no good having just one cup of ginkgo and then jumping straight into the strong stuff! Sometimes being healthy is a conscious choice against an unconscious urge too!

2:15 pm

The sushi was still OK but I think I already need to throw out any that's left, the moisture has really gone into the nori!

Just a few minutes ago I started to feel nauseous so I had half of my afternoon tea of walnuts and raisins and some water. I feel too hot! And so tired! I hate being sick!

Counting what I've eaten so far, I realise that probably the best way to fight the way I'm feeling is to finish my walnuts and raisins or to have a muesli bar from my drawer and just eat the food. But I just don't know... I'm feeling all anxious and scared of the food. Like it's poison. I've opened a muesli bar but I can't put it in my mouth. I just don't trust it.

While I figure out what to do I'll get back into the tasks at hand. The water and the small amount of food helped a bit.

3:20 pm

Got my cappuccino. Got a chocolate bliss ball. Also got the number of free meditation classes but I'm too chicken to phone.

5:20 pm

I'm so tired! I want to go home!!!

Instead I'm looking at my huge pile of letters to write and thinking that the sooner I get all my work done, the sooner I can knock off EARLY for Christmas!

What I'm not really thinking about is food, even though my tummy is making those little prodding sensations that remind me it will be dinner time soon. I had a little chewing gum (2 pieces of peppermint flavour) after my coffee and threw out the rest of the packet. Ick! I guess I've had about 600 Cals all up so far and dinner and the gym are still to come.

I can probably put these letters together at home and then print them out in a big batch tomorrow morning. Then it will be a big printing batch first thing in the morning and stuffing letters all afternoon!

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