Wednesday, December 31, 2008

2009 Resolutions

There's just a few things I'd like to achieve for myself in 2009:
  • An increase in my health and fitness as measured by the ability to:
    • Complete the Canberra Marathon 5km Fun Run on 18 April
    • Complete the 9km Sydney Harbour Bridge Run on 21 September
    • Finally achieve my goal of hiking Mount Kosciuszko from the base to the peak!

  • I have now set up all the writing projects I wish to develop.  I don't want to set specific goals, just to develop those projects and have just one in or nearing a state of "completion" by the end of 2009

  • At work: To continue my efforts to focus and work hard on the skills I still need to develop, to maintain a positive approach and stay on top of my tasks!
  • Enroll in meditation and complete CBT so I can eat to suit me
I think my goals are achievable.  I look forward to working on them.  :)

Diary 31 December - home again!

For breakfast I'm having a bowl of miso with some delicious soba noodles in the bottom! I'm pretty sure you can't get fat eating this stuff.

I'll start the day with some stretching and jogging, then I'll spend the day ironing and cleaning. Yeah, it's laundry day.

Catch-up diary: Messed up eating patterns

After the funeral I finally felt it was OK to eat. I ended up having about a 2000 Cal binge.

Yesterday I only ate dinner: some roasted chick-peas and rice crackers with a small bowl of dry muesli.

Over the last week I gained 1kg. I plan to flush it out by drinking lots of water and herbal teas.

I may have lost an inch off my waist: it's now pretty close to 24 where before it was definitely 25. For the record my legs are 20" around the thighs and my hips are about 37.5" My chest measurement though is only 33" making me decidedly bottom-heavy! Just chunky hips and thighs. I intend to deal with those by focusing on good aerobic exercise like cycling and jogging.

I have to eat properly! Saving it all up for a big binge doesn't help at all. I also have to drink enough water. Water water water water water!!!!!

Monday, December 29, 2008

All business

While I have cake for breakfast I'm listening to mum fact-checking the eulogy. As usual, my step-father has mis-remembered many things and listening to her speak I think I need to do some re-writes of some dangerously long sentences!

My legs are too sore from yesterday's jog to go again. Awesome!

So it's all business ahead of the funeral. Wish me luck!

Exhausting family effort

Tonight I fed my family, wrote my grandfather's eulogy with details supplied by his wife and son (I hate collaborative writing but I think we produced good work) and touched base with my mum about how I've handled things with my daughter and her dad.

I'm sorry to say I did snack a bit on toffee, crackers and nuts to get through it all.

I was thinking "the food doesn't make you think more clearly or solve emotional stress" but I had felt myself getting fatter all day (I could feel my clothes getting tighteer and my thighs rubbing) and I was discouraged. I even went back for seconds after dinner and had a bottle of cider!

Now it's night and I feel so wrong without J that I could just run home to him right now. Everyone has got their suits and things out in preparation for tomorrow so there's nothing to do in the morning but wait.

Sunday, December 28, 2008

Trying new exercise

So here I am in this flat open landscape and not a mountain trail or stationary cycle to be had for love or money. But instead of letting it phase me I decided to try jogging and surprised myself by not actually sucking at it. Straight off the bat I was already way more capable than I had been as a teenager although I decided not to push myself so I can try to do even better tomorrow.

Now here's a weird question. I love exercising even though it does tend to bore me a fair bit. But is it wrong that I find it totally disgusting when I sweat from it? Flies are even buzzing around me!!! Oh please let me escape the countryside to a nice civilised latte!!!

Funeral stress

Last night I was up until about 2 or 3, mostly just chillin, I had a serve of vodka and a few rice crackers when I got home.

I'm just getting ready to go out for my walk or jog or whatever - I just have to choose a route. Whatever I do it will be flat but there are different paths to take of various lengths and proximity to town and highways.

I'm surrounded by so much drama and action. Everyone wanted to talk last night about how scarey it was finding Pop at 4am and dealing with the body and seeing his face but my mum's husband wasn't really ready so I just took him out to relax and of course he got all CREEPY just like when I was a teenager and even weirder he started telling me about his disordered eating which I knew about but never really thought of.

So now the creepy step-father wants me to help prepare some words and to say them at the funeral for him. He says I'm his "favourite" child! If you think I'd be stressed you're right. I had to talk to J for an hour before I could sleep.

Now I'm just wondering what to really do with myself this morning. 6km round trip to town for coffee? Jog and a shower? Just do what I want to and drive home?

I think I can help him to process his grief a bit but if he were to blow a gasket and go on a rampage surprise would not be my response.

Why does this have to be me???? Oh yeah, because my mum has zero coping skills too, she isn't crazy but that doesn't put her automatically into a position to counsel someone who is!

The thing is, I'm not at full capacity either! I'm obsessed with food and pretty crippled by anxiety. So I asked his brother to help and he's expecting the same drama I am but he's in no position to help either because HIS DAD JUST DIED!!

Well screw this lying in bed. My stomach isn't sore so it must be time to punish it with some sit-ups and related exercises. I wonder how far it is to the edge of the valley.

Saturday, December 27, 2008

Staying in control under stress

Hello J. Thank you for SMSing me words of love and encouragement when I was having trouble at dinner time.

I can get so "all or nothing" about food, like if I know I'm getting hungry it's so hard to stop! After my second helping I just got some chewing gum so my mouth would be full and went straight to J for the cuddles and love I was actually craving.

Thanks for the love and cuddles J. It's very uncomfortable being the person with "problems" when everyone is talking about the funeral and trying not to think about Pop being gone.

My little niece is an absolute treasure! All tanned and dressed in pink!!

I hope we can more or less avoid food for the rest of the evening, I'd rather just play some music or write or read a book or something!

Test #2 and "eater's remorse"

I feel so fat and enormous after the huge lunch I ate and particularly for going back in for a second piece of watermelon and then the muffin!

I really should put on my hat and walk down to the bottom of the hill! That would at least make some contribution toward burning off all the disgusting food and fat!

Why I'm so lazy and sitting on my butt when I could be exercising is a huge mystery! Waaahhh! I'm really harsh on myself! Nothing in life is ever good enough for Widget.

If I thought it was going to help I'd go throw up. Instead I'll make some more green tea. It might help keep me from falling asleep in the Summer heat.

email posting FAILED - this morning's diary is below

This post is a test of my ability to blog on the run from my phone. I wanted to update my food diary and blogger's edit post feature doesn't work very well with the phone so I'm going straight to the emailed post and a small format change in that all updates will be posted as new entries.
First an update on last night's dinner. I had a small plate of rice vermicelli with tofu and seasoned with soy, lemon, sesame and some other secret ingredients. Afterwards I did get the nibbles but managed to keep under control with just a few more bites of noodles, a taste of cake and 2 mints.
On the drive I had a sugarfree bottle of red bull to keep me awake and energetic; I also tried to do isometric core exercise but it was a bit hard.
This norning I woke up early at 6:30 (first out of bed) and did some exercise. I did some squats, dips and stuff then a walk on the hill with my brother's dog and finally some sit-ups and push-ups. Feelin' good!!
I haven't had breakfast this morning and my step-sister has noticed that I sort of slunk out when everyone ate but I really am hungry, I'm just feeling rather nervous. I've had a lot of yummy herbal tea though.

Update - Finally ate for lunch, an open salad sandwich and 2 pieces of watermelon for dessert. Still hungry after so with my cup of tea I had a mini muffin but threw the rest out, they are a bit stale!

Friday, December 26, 2008

Food, exercise and body image diary 26 December 2008

10:23 am | 181 cm | 60 kg | BMI 18.3

Happy Boxing Day everyone.

Not such a good one for me.  I'm feeling rather numb today with the bad news from overnight.

I had two bowls of weak miso with tofu and veggies for breakfast and I'm now just wandering around aimlessly thinking about cleaning and stuff.

I tend to not really eat when I'm miserable even though there's a lot of comfort food in the house.  It just doesn't seem right.  Nevertheless J is going to take me out for a coffee later and maybe get me a present.  I will probably make a nutritious and comforting dinner.  I don't know.

2:13 pm

I had a sandwich for lunch: pumpernickel made with sprouted rye (it's supposed to be easier to digest since the offending chemicals are removed when the seeds sprout) and filled with a little hommus, some cucumbers, plain tofu soy sauce, vegemite and tahini.  Sounds silly but it's healthy I guess and kinda tasty too.

Had it with water and it was pretty hard to eat the whole thing.

I have had lots of tea and put together some cake for afternoon tea.  J ate his up but mine is still sitting in the bowl, I just had a few nibbles on it.  Maybe 3 whole teaspoonsful.

I'm also now drinking a Greek coffee.  Not really doing much for me either.  

Activity-wise I've been cleaning up around the house all morning and now I'm ironing clothes so I can head out this afternoon.  J is being an absolute wonder, helping me to set up the ipod, and now he's out giving my car a quick service! (You know, oil, water, other fluids known to be leaking, um... tyre pressure and the jets you use to clean the windscreen)

What a guy! What an amazing stress relief to have his support!

I'm preparing to encounter some very hot weather down South.  I think I have some suitable clothes and I hope I can still do some exercise in the warmer climate.  Obviously that's not really a priority right now, I probably won't have time anyway.

Damn what a terrible feeling.

My grandfather died

Not my real grandfather, but my mother's father-in-law was a very kind man who was always good to everyone if he could find a way.  

He was extremely industrious - one of those people whose retirement becomes more of a self-funded repairs and restoration business!

Their home is so cheerful and peaceful, all green and with photos of the children EVERYWHERE

I really hope Nana is going to be OK.  I'll probably tidy things up here today as I had planned, iron all my black clothes and so on and then head off tomorrow morning first to Dad's and then over to Mum's house.  

I expect it will be pretty big of a thing, nice people like that have a lot of friends.

Thursday, December 25, 2008

White Christmas

Definitely a movie to avoid if triggers are a problem.  As a little girl I would watch it every Christmas and sometimes when it wasn't, just because it was Lisa's favourite movie! The dancing, the singing and the romance along with the beautiful costumes and glamorous stars kept us enthralled for hours.

Vera-Ellen was the beauty that dominated every scene with her enormous presence, dazzling blonde hair, blue eyes and tiny waist! She was so light she could be thrown like a rag doll but she was so graceful that she always moved so beautifully.

Reading up on the movie I've just learnt that she battled anorexia through her 30s and had the smallest waist in Hollywood.  Those high necklines she wears throughout the movie despite v-necks being the fashion, they were covering her neck because she was ageing so quickly!

A beautiful movie but I'm so sick of every thing I watch bringing up "issues" for me!

Happy Xian holiday!

And for the rest of us rational folks, happy Food Celebration!

Oh my goodness, you read how obsessed I was with cooking - I had so much to prove to my boyfriend's family who think I can't cook.  They liked it!

Very satisfied and very proud.

Today I ate like a "normal" person typically would at Christmas.  I had a reasonably big breakfast of bread and cereal and a few sips of milkshakey stuff, and for lunch I had a bowl of soup, salad and dolmades with a little bread and dip.  And two desserts! I made trifle and Christmas cake!

I definitely over-cooked and now I have all these leftovers but actually it's kind of relieving to know I don't have to bother with cooking for a while!

This week has been a bit of a struggle mostly between Ana and Mia but today I was so proud - when I felt Ana tell me to stop eating halfway through my soup I said "OK Ana I'll have a little salad and see how I go" and when I felt Mia telling me to have a third dessert I said "J I've finished eating, please don't let me have any more."  Then an hour later or so, when his mum put out some fruit I asked him if it was OK to have a little and he said yes.  He also let me have 2 glasses of champagne and 2 glasses of Benedictine so whoa! I'm gonna need some water!!!

Yeah, it has been a decadent and disgusting Christmas in many ways but I'm just really glad that I was able to choose to do that just once.  I've told J that tomorrow I'm starting to pay more attention to watching my weight again and he understands but it's nice to have these little victories - just one day of knowing it's OK to enjoy eating because I've reached a milestone and it's the holidays or just one moment of saying "I'm not actually starving hungry, Mia just wants some attention!"

When we came home it was a huge victory because J felt sick and purged but I had eaten a small enough amount that I was urging HIM to come out of the bathroom! Take that Mia you ugly bitch!

I hope someone whose name is Mia doesn't read this stuff, it would fuck her up.

Anyway I'll be exercising later and more importantly returning to a healthy daily exercise and moderate food intake lifestyle tomorrow morning (with the whole holiday to lay down some positive habits) and Santa brought me some stuff about de-stressing and I'm just hoping to start feeling better about myself.  I still feel like I need to lose weight but I also need to accept some things about myself that have nothing to do with my size!

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Tell your family to read this article!

I just saw this article in the news items Google serves into my sidebar and it bears drawing some attention to it.

You know at Christmas and other family times how you want to say something to your family but it's so difficult to know what? And how feeling their watchful eyes upon you makes you feel even more stressed which in turn makes you more likely to try and conform to normal eating and then eventually either freak out or start doing the ED - and generally ruins the good time anyway?

Here is the definitive article on what ground rules you should lay for your family. Sometimes it's hard to know what our triggers are or how to describe them - this article gives you all the notes you need to navigate the difficult time. If necessary just send the link to your mum or print her a copy.

Nearly finished up

Just keeping it chilled today! The boss is out getting her hair done and I'm just kind of cleaning up. I also received my subscription to Complete Nutrition Australasia today; it features articles on very low calorie diets and anorexia nervosa among other things.

Last night I baked a Christmas cake (it's gluten-free and vegan and came up beautifully) and made the hommus. I also baked the eggplant and toasted the walnuts for the eggplant dip but I need to buy parsley before I completely finish it. This morning I iced my pudding with its white chocolate bombe topping - now I just need to actually bake the pudding and assemble it within the big ball of chocolate!

OK just a few more things to finish up before the boss gets back and we regroup. I can't wait to get out of here and go really crazy in the kitchen!

I've got 2 red bulls in the office fridge and I'm desperately trying to avoid going overboard on pre-Christmas caffeine. My champagne of choice is Laurent Perrier Ultra Brut but I'll settle for Yellowglen Jewel if I absolutely must drink!

I need to tan to cover up some bruises that my vigorous cellulite massage has left on my thigs. Consider that an epic failure and it's time to come up with a new plan. Maybe high-impact exercise like jogging will jolt them into shape.

Update 10:15 am

I had a few no-sugar mini-muffins for breakfast today because I was getting rather dizzy and it's happening again. I don't think it's the junk food I've been eating, I think it's probably just the exhaustion. I haven't been sleeping!

I'm so butter-fingered today, when I get out of here I'll be having a big cappuccino! And that's still if I don't have the red bull which is looking more and more likely!

OK my desk is tidy, there's just a tiny bit of mail to take before we leave and just the emails and the wastepaper to do while I'm waiting to finish up! Wonderful, I can't wait to go cook up a monster storm!

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Running down around the binge holiday

Actually I'm only bingeing in an attempt to get to the holiday, not in actual celebration of the holiday. I binge to stop my mind from wandering because by focusing on a single repetitive task I'm leaving my unconscious mind less vulnerable to distraction and thus giving my conscious mind all the help it needs in focusing on the task at hand.

I need more positive approaches like holding in my tummy, maybe chewing gum, drinking water is a good thing, tapping my toes - or just learning better mental discipline!

Oh well, at least I ate some food today, even if it was all just candy and nuts.

Firing on all 12

Oh my goodness! It's nearly Christmas!

Even stubborn non-Christians like me can't help but get excited at all the tinsel, flashing lights and candy!

I've made toffee, honeycomb, sesame and nut toffee snaps and even some fudge!

I've got chick peas soaking for hommus, I'll be making that tonight - with lots of tahini, lemon, garlic and spices!

I've got 3 eggplants so I can make eggplant and walnut pate.

And I'm thinking of doing a zucchini and coriander dip, maybe with peas... although I'm not entirely sure that making something beetrooty wouldn't go well... or maybe just a nut-based dip such as cashew. I have to do one other dip though and it should ideally be something creative given that I'm making two standard ones!

I'm also cooking up my puddings tomorrow and I've got a surprise to cook tomorrow - even J doesn't know what I'm planning on making! It's not yorkshire pudding or anything like that, it's just something very simple that becomes a bit yummy if it's hand-made properly.

So much for cooking! OK I've also got a mountain of cleaning, I try to at least not leave a mess when I cook! The laundry needs urgent attention though, I barely got to it on the weekend!

Yes, OK I'm obsessing about food a little too much... but it IS Christmas! And I'm just tasting as I go, not having obscene amounts or too little! The only thing that didn't work out very well was my muffins but I was just doing those as an experiment so I would know how much baking powder to use.

Monday, December 22, 2008

Cheerful start

9:00 am | 181 cm | 60 kg | BMI 18.3

Today I'm wearing blue stockings for some reason. I did half an hour for my morning cardio (cycling level 6 random) while reading about EDs and then I had just one rice-bowl of muesli. It's not entirely clear how many calories are in a serve that size but I'll just guess around 200 or maybe a little more when served with berry and fruit juice.

I ate the whole bowl - I said to myself "this is your breakfast, no more fretting about food until lunch" - then I ironed some clothes, fixed my hair and drove myself to work. (Too much time in the gym -> not enough time to walk. Still, cycling is the better exercise and now I can leave my car here for the rest of the week.)

I've brought some sushi rolls for lunch, a banana for dessert and some raisins and almonds for afternoon tea. So it's another 200 cals or slightly more for lunch and a little less in the afternoon, which is still small but at least now I don't need to fret about it.

I've got my jug of water and all the herbal tea I can drink. Right now I'm attempting to pep myself up with ginkgo biloba but it's not really having the desired effect.

9:28 am

OK W, think this through. You can't just be having a meal every hour. You're not hungry yet, you had breakfast just a little while ago. You have an obsession. Feel it, accept it. Your body wants food to deal with emotional problems. While accepting this reality you feel your appetite wane. Just let it go. Focus on what's in front of you today. Focus on what is happening now.

You're not like this because your mother didn't love you or your friends laughed at you. You're obsessing because you're finding comfort in the obsession. But it's not fun, is it? So do something practical! Focus on the papers in front of you, the work that you're going to get done today. Think about how good you're going to feel when it's done.

Widget, you're doing OK. Enjoy the music playing at your desk. Enjoy the cup of tea by your keyboard. Enjoy the working day and cleaning up in time for the holidays. Feel proud! Yes, really, why not? Anyone else would be happy - you have the right to choose happiness if you want it. You can choose happiness and success - it's all up to you what you choose for yourself.

Now get out there and enjoy it!

11:00 am

I keep thinking about coffee. Maybe I should halt my focus on quick fixes and instead look at what Bodhidharma considered appropriate - like a nice cup of green tea!

If I'm still exhausted after a couple of cups of green tea maybe then worrying about some coffee or some red bull will make sense, but it's no good having just one cup of ginkgo and then jumping straight into the strong stuff! Sometimes being healthy is a conscious choice against an unconscious urge too!

2:15 pm

The sushi was still OK but I think I already need to throw out any that's left, the moisture has really gone into the nori!

Just a few minutes ago I started to feel nauseous so I had half of my afternoon tea of walnuts and raisins and some water. I feel too hot! And so tired! I hate being sick!

Counting what I've eaten so far, I realise that probably the best way to fight the way I'm feeling is to finish my walnuts and raisins or to have a muesli bar from my drawer and just eat the food. But I just don't know... I'm feeling all anxious and scared of the food. Like it's poison. I've opened a muesli bar but I can't put it in my mouth. I just don't trust it.

While I figure out what to do I'll get back into the tasks at hand. The water and the small amount of food helped a bit.

3:20 pm

Got my cappuccino. Got a chocolate bliss ball. Also got the number of free meditation classes but I'm too chicken to phone.

5:20 pm

I'm so tired! I want to go home!!!

Instead I'm looking at my huge pile of letters to write and thinking that the sooner I get all my work done, the sooner I can knock off EARLY for Christmas!

What I'm not really thinking about is food, even though my tummy is making those little prodding sensations that remind me it will be dinner time soon. I had a little chewing gum (2 pieces of peppermint flavour) after my coffee and threw out the rest of the packet. Ick! I guess I've had about 600 Cals all up so far and dinner and the gym are still to come.

I can probably put these letters together at home and then print them out in a big batch tomorrow morning. Then it will be a big printing batch first thing in the morning and stuffing letters all afternoon!

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Out of mind

Buddha tells us that life is suffering and that happiness is a conscious choice that we must make each and every second.

I don't know how much I ate today because for a time I snacked as I cooked and fretted.  Then I realised that all this energy is misplaced. I don't need to wallow in my eating disorder, instead I need to make the choice each and every moment to direct my energy more productively.

So instead of counting my calories and berating myself all day I really faced my fears.  I prepared 2 dozen cold spring rolls before I was ready to phone lifeline and beg for help but then I remembered earlier in the day when I finally sat to begin my book and I wrote about the importance of choosing to leave obsession behind and trusting my conscious mind to make rational decisions on how much to eat, exercise and rest.

I would like to start a meditation class and I would like to free myself from the terrible grip food has over me.  Freedom is my choice.  It is standing up to declare the emperor is naked.  Well food, you are naked! Your power is a collective delusion.  I believe in the power of these words.  I beat depression and I will defeat food!

Saturday, December 20, 2008

Diary 20 December: It's the weekend and I don't wanna stop moving!

7:10 am | 181 cm | still 60kg and happy | BMI 18.3

This morning I'm feeling fresh, energetic and ready for anything! I'm going to spend my weekend doing things I enjoy like:
  • Maybe walking up a small mountain
  • Coffee with a friend at a veggie cafe
  • Exercising (it gives me a rush!)
  • Cleaning (it makes me relax when everything is in order)
  • Working on my writing projects
  • Catching up on some of my professional web-based tasks
  • Phoning my family
I'll be starting with a light pre-breakfast and a cycle - today I'm going for endurance so I'll try and be in there for at least an hour.  I've got a 1.5 L bottle of water and I'll just keep pedalling until I feel stronger!

9:30 am

I had a grazing breakfast of fruit, about 3 almonds, one sesame senbei and matcha tea. Nom nom nom nom nom.  I don't know how many calories it was - it might have been a cup and a half of grapes and a couple tablespoons goji with a quarter of a medium banana. I don't have time to calculate right now.

I also did 40 minutes of cycling on medium intensity (level 5 fwiw) burning 200 cals apparently then did low rows, tricep curls and another 12 minutes of cycling on a higher intensity (including cooldown another 80 Cals)

Oh, I enjoyed showering so much afterwards! I've exfoliated my entire body so I should really think about tanning later on in the day.

So I think I'm at least calorie neutral for the time being and I'm really looking forward to my coffee with a pal in half an hour!

Today I'm using green because I'm feeling fresh, clean and invigorated! I'm even having second thoughts on that coffee although I know if I have just one and it's a good quality espresso I'm going to come home so full of beans and go into a whirlwind of action which will be great!

I read today that Naomi Wolf wrote The Beauty Myth at 25 and I'm reading another amazing book from America written just last year by a woman of 25.  Next year I'm 25 so I think it's a sign that I've got a new year's resolution looking at me!

12:00 pm

Oh my goodness, what a decadent feast we enjoyed! I had a malt-free soy cappuccino and an entire chocolate-coconut ball thingy.  It's like a rumball but just with the coconut (no biscuits or rum) and usually some date and they melt solid chocolate on top (it tastes coconutty too, like they mixed in some coconut oil and added extra cocoa and sugar to make coconut chocolate!)

I started feeling sick halfway through, as you can imagine! But I said to myself it's not turning into a choc-ball sized lump on your thigh, it's turning into glycogen that you're gonna burn by cleaning and shopping and as it turns out I'm also dancing.  So then I managed to enjoy the rest of it.

I'm thinking about making noodles tonight and maybe sticking to nice little rice parcels and sushi and fun little dainty bites like that for much of the rest of the week.  I should have a big rice parcel and sushi cook-up during the weekend then I can take some for our Christmas picnic too! I'll also make some little organic gluten-free cupcakes and maybe some kind of pudding if I'm really feeling ambitious.  I'll need a lot of figs... They're in season but hard to get your hands on!

3:30 pm

We have so much groceries! For some reason I thought it would be really fun to make muesli (it will) and so I have nuts, seeds, flakey and puffy things - the whole works! I also have ingredients for dinner tonight and for cooking for Christmas, which I don't celebrate but hey, he does... and I don't miss a party!

I think it's fairly safe to say by now that I've had some decent quality exercise and basically skipped lunch.  I was thinking J would get hungry soon but I just remembered he had a roll while I was in the Asian grocer getting sticky rice, black sesame seeds (because darker means healthier), basil and mint.

I've even got some hazelnut meal for making ... some kind of hazelnut thing.  Should be fun!

Before I go - my current thoughts on food:

I should mention how aware I am that the exercise of walking around shopping probably burnt off the cappuccino and the bliss ball.  I can feel my tummy grumbling and my everything getting faint but I'm not really thinking about it.  

Another point of interest is that I bought some rye biscuits so I can do a tolerance test.  I can tolerate all the other ingredients and I used to do fine on rye so I'm giving it another burl some time during the break as I'll have a few days to recover if there's a problem.

Friday, December 19, 2008

I think the reason I eat so quickly... that I don't like having my mouth full.

And I think the reason that I just keep popping food into my mouth is that I have this notion that when I've eaten enough suddenly I'll have all this focus and energy and it'll be great!

(I just caught myself reaching for the rice crackers which is fine but actually my stomach has already had about all it can handle and there should be plenty of energy flying through my system at the moment from all the candy. I'm having ginkgo instead.)

I think the reason I always want to exercise is that I really want to be this strong, fit person who has endurance and strength and isn't afraid of situations where she might have to run.

I think I want to be slim because excess fat just doesn't match the image of the strong, confident, successful person I want to be.

So where's the mistake in my logic? Anyone?

Still grey: Diary for 19 December 2008

5:40 am | BMI: 18.3 (basically the same weight as yesterday)

This morning I'm just doing some light exercises before work, focusing on stretching, dips and plies and some sit-ups.

Still not much appetite.

I'm supposed to go home for the weekend but now I'm looking at the sheer volume of work I've got to get through and panicking a little. I'm sure it will be fine...

6:35 am

For breakfast: half a dried banana and some earl green tea.

Did some light exercise and will follow up with the walk to work and some proper cardio tonight.

Currently feeling... nothing. Just a bit tired in the head. No appetite, no real mood or motivation to speak of. I think I'll do well at work today cranking out the meaningless bits of paper that form the basis of our income.

9:19 am

I made it to work in my highest heels and even went to the supermarket. They had my favourite candy in the world which is gluten-free licorice! I've already had 2 pieces (they're 17 cals each so that's 34).

I also bought a little bottle of juice and poured half into my jug when I got here (77 cals)

Including the banana I'm up to 161 which is a good start. I'm about to tuck into a ginkgo tea and I'm already right into it. I've got a vegetable juice for later and I also bought plenty of binge-proof high-fibre foods although eating still makes me feel pretty sick so I'm unlikely to binge.

10:36 am

I've got some appetite back and I just had about 1/3 of a packet of vegetable senbei. (80 cals) this brings me up to 242 already. I feel kind of guilty though.

12:19 pm

I'm having my lunch.

I started with a licorice (17 Cals) and then had half a veggie juice before I had to stop (too salty!!!) (23 Cals)
So I'm finishing with a black sesame senbei (they're 25 Cals each) and now I just feel restless and bingey. I'll see if a green chai helps to sort it out. I'm not getting much work done today!

2:35 pm

J came by the office for a quick coffee during lunch. The boss was out so it was all cool. He had a coffee, I had green tea and 2 vegie senbei (23 Cals). I've now refilled my water jug including the rest of my juice bottle (77 Cals) and I've put out a licorice to eat at some point during the afternoon (17 Cals). But I'm not hungry. The running total though is 424.

3:30 pm

Just realised how much I've spoiled myself today! My favourite candy, my favourite juice! My boyfriend dropping in for coffee! This is a great sign!

I haven't really held back today and I haven't overdone it either. I have to work a bit late so I hope that plus the gym doesn't cut into date night much.

5:00 pm

It's getting to that point where I'm not hungry, I'm not fainty, I'm not even thinking about food but I'm sooooo tired! I'm thinking about bed but I won't be leaving here for quite some time!

So I don't know... maybe another cup of tea? All I really want to do is go OUT and get some fresh air! The office air is so dehydrating! I've had around 5L of water today just from my jug!

Oh well, back to the paperwork I guess. For now.

6:30 pm ON A FRIDAY and STILL at work!!!

Well OK so what if I'm a total masochist and I love working?

I was really fading around 5:30 and had another candy (17 Cals). They're so yummy!!!

My running total is now 441 and I feel SOO fat and bloated from all the sugar I ate today! For dinner I just want to have something really light and healthy with lots of vitamins.

And in conclusion

I had a lovely dinner and my appetite did come back in the end.  I had 2 Vietnamese cold rolls and a few pieces of tofu and noodles then ate a bunch of leftover rice crackers I brought home from work and 2 pieces of licorice for dessert.  The Daily Plate says cold rolls are only 60 cals but I'd be willing to at least double that - they're pretty yummy! So maybe 1000 Cals for the day (could that be right? I felt so full!) and to finish it off, an hour or so dancing at a club where a friend of ours was spinning hip hop!

Thursday, December 18, 2008

I hate bingeing - Diary 18 December 2008

6:37 am | Height: 1.81cm | Weight: 60kg | BMI: 18.3

Today I'm recovering from the results of yesterday's binge which means I'm puffy in the face and red around the eyes. Luckily they have make-up for that kind of thing now.

I'm dedicated to using exercise to moderate my appetite - I believe that's one healthy way to really curb my bingeing.

This morning I've had about a cup of grapes and done the Carmen Electra warm-up. Now it's to the gym for a few minutes to see if a bit of extra blood flow in the morning will do anything to help keep me warm during the day, because I'm expecting the exact same weather as yesterday!

Dammit! Summer isn't meant to be cold! I think I need to have a word with my landlord about the air conditioning.

7:40 am

I did about 10 minutes on the elliptical and I'm about to do the 45 minute walk to work, so that's my morning warm-up covered!

I came home and ate one plum, two prunes and about 5 almonds and a pinch of pepitas.

I've now got to put on a lot of make-up to cover the red all over my eyes and then get my butt out the door!

Maybe I should stop focusing on losing weight and restricting calories and start focusing on toning up. I've been too out of balance to exercise properly (or maybe just too disorganised) and I really want to get going every evening.

All I need to do is half an hour of cardio and just one of the three machines. That should do me until I gain a considerable amount of strength.

11:14 am

I'm really tired and unfocused today. I went out last night but it's not as if I was drinking or staying up late!

In the office I immediately fetched myself a big cup of bouillon because I was craving salt and had already had 3 roasted salted peas. I felt so disgusting eating it! Just giving in to cravings like an animal...

I made my usual jug of water with a little juice and I've had most of that already.

I've also had a big pot of gunpowder tea.

I can't describe how icky I feel right now - I feel completely overfull and stuffed like just before a big purge, I actually feel like I'm at that moment where your fingers are down your throat and the food is on its way up, I feel like there's icky food in my oesophagus wanting to come up.

At the same time I feel nausea that's probably associated with an empty tummy or last night's purge or both. I think my tummy is very unhappy. I'm not sure what to do.

12:00 pm

The clock says it's nearly lunch time but my stomach says I still feel really icky and I don't want it. I've had a few days where it's like that: I know I need to eat at least a little bit but I just can't bear to!

Well, there's no need to eat anything just now anyway. I've got absolutely hours before I need to worry about forcing myself! Maybe I'll get hungry around 4 o'clock in the afternoon.

I think instead of lunch I'll take a break for a walk when the boss gets back into the office. Maybe the fresh air will bring back my bounce! I need to get us some office supplies anyway so it's a perfect opportunity.

1:20 pm

I finally felt I could stomach a little food so I had some leftovers from yesterday's lunch - just a few forkfulls really, maybe half what I had yesterday. With lots of water!

I threw the rest in the bin.

I was thinking about continuing to eat but I could tell I was facing a binge so I stopped.

I've got plenty of fruit to have before the gym, so there's not much risk of me fainting or anything.

Now I feel my stomach sticking out and my thighs spreading out so I'm taking care to hold them in, which is also a great exercise anyway!

I don't know why I still have so much disgusting cellulite, I wish it would just go away! Everything else looks OK but my thighs are disgusting! I covered up with little shorts when I went swimming at my friend's house but you could still see dimples and flab everywhere.

I seem to be feeling a little "cloudy" today. No fresh ideas at all, it's the perfect day for me to just do heaps of mind-numbing admin which I am. My mind can't possibly get any more numb.

3:00 pm

I wonder if taking a break to stretch and do some "office workout" is really as good as they say it is. I guess it all adds up - five two-minute breaks adds up to 10 minutes of exercise. Certainly helps me to concentrate although I'm still not feeling hungry.

4:40 pm

I've had about 2/3 of a banana to ensure I can get through the gym OK later. It hasn't even sparked my appetite. Oh well, good! Maybe next time I am starving hungry I can think of today and have a little to eat. So far today I'd estimate 370 Cals and usually I'd be sooo hungry but today I guess it's alright to have a not-hungry day. I'm in my fat-burning phase so maybe my body just shrugged it off and started burning fat. One can only hope!

5:49 pm

I've had enough work for one day. I'm going to pack up all my notes and take them home - maybe I'll get some more done after the gym (but I really should be cleaning the house!)

Big meeting tomorrow - my performance review went poorly (I'm a creative energetic person in a plodding job so it's kind of hard to sit still) so this is kind of a follow-up to that. I want to be prepared.

9:53 pm

I did 20 minutes of elliptical and some weights.  Now I have a basic schedule for weights that should keep me challenged.

For dinner I made a smoothie from almond milk, goji berries and carob then I chopped some raw vegies with a teensy bit of hommus.  5 grapes for dessert and I was so full!!

Didn't get any work done so I'll be up early, but I did fold the washing, clean the kitchen and put on some towels! Ready for bed now!

Wednesday, December 17, 2008


*In a trial of technology's ability to save us time, I actually wrote this while walking to and from the post office on my way to work this morning! Please feel free to point out any typos; my phone has a qwerty keyboard but it's terribly small!

I mean in today's entry to have a serious discussion about obesity as an eating disorder and how it has taken the attention from eating disorder, indeed even positioned itself as our enemy.

Australian figures (I hope to corroborate this shortly) place eating disorder at 10% of adolescents. Obesity is apparently more like 25%.

My first problem with these statistics is that they reflect a huge discrepancy in the definition of health and disease. At the large end of the spectrum the size itself is seen as the disease. Our government is telling us to measure around our waists to see if we have a health problem. At the other end of the scale, our size is threatening, yes, unpleaasant even, but our problem stems from our state of mind.

Let's unpack that further. If you're fat, your only problem is that you've accidentally strapped a tyre around your middle. Too thin? You're crazy!

Is obesity an eating disorder?

It's not a silly question. When we eat more than we need to sustain ourselves it's called a binge. Do it systematically and get fat, and watch the language change to meaningless comments about your "lifestyle." If I were to call my eating habits a lifestyle, I'd get lynched by the anti-pro mob!

Now I have been saying for a long time that the only way to get obese is to overeat and that overeating is a recognised eating disorder. There is certainly some support for this idea in the fact that obesity tends to occur more often in high-risk groups such as the poor, uneducated ans those already known to have a psychiatric condition.

To examine my logic further let's investigate what an ED really is: an obsessive compulsive disorder focused on food, eating and refusal to maintain a healthy body size. I already know that for me, mia and ana are just sides of a coin, just different behavioral responses to the same fundamental sources of mental stress. An overeater faced with an unhealthy obsession with food and lack of control could become quite obese before he would willingly acknowledge his lack of control.

And all of this brings me to Benji, the lovable obese writer and studio personality from the Howard Stern show in USA who recently tackled his obsession with food by embarking on a hunger strike for some inane cause. He admitted the cause didn't matter, he just wanted to fast and that the cause was a motivator. All well and good but what's the outcome for Benji's health? Within 2 days he was horrified and traumatised by seeing people eating! Benji now has the same attitude to food as a pro-ana! Only his behaviour and focus have changed and suddenly we recognise his mind as "afflicted" with an eating disorder!

This is where I go out on a limb and claim that eating disorder affects 30% of Australians, a number I just made up but that I think is far closer to the ballpark. Eating disorder as currently defined is the third biggest chronic health issue affecting young women, and incorporating all the overeating sisters currently dismissed as "obese" would certainly be be our single biggest public health issue.

So where does it fit into the public health agenda? Well they're educating the obese about "proper nutrition" as if they actually look at chips and salad on a menu and believe chips are the healthier choice! The rest of us can book into a very full clinic, pay for private therapy or just die!

Hello happy world! Diary for 17 December

Hello dieters

Today I'm thinking about the advantages of fresh food. My breakfast this morning is home-made almond milk and it is divine! I'm having it with a little fruit.

Again, I haven't weighed myself this morning before eating so I don't know where I stand. I did weigh myself in the afternoon yesterday and it was a bit higher, but that's the afternoon when I'm full of food and water. I think it's mostly water that does it.

J is eating some of my home-made khicheri (mung beans with veggies and rice) for breakfast - I'm taking some for lunch.

I was a little shy in my bikini last night because I do still have a little cellulite holding on but as I detox and tone it goes away gradually. Massage also helps.

I'm not yet what I would call thin "enough" but I'm not horrified with myself.

Update: 9:48 am

Yup! I'm having my water with juice mixed in to keep my electrolytes balanced (90 Cals) and I've also nibbled on some khicheri before leaving the house. I'm having one of those hungry hungry hungry days! Good thing I brought plenty of lunch! But for some reason I don't want to eat it, I'm content to stay hungry instead!

It seems so cold today! My office gets cold anyway but... the BOM says it's a fine sunny morning with a thunderstorm in the afternoon perhaps. Guess I'm just having one of those cold days too!

Update 11:27 am

My appetite has ebbed a little so I've allowed myself one roasted chick pea. I'm still FREEZING though! I think I need to have some more tea or something else to warm me up!

Update: 12:25 pm

We have a visitor in the office so it seems a little unprofessional to fill the place with the smell of my food or the sound of me eating. So that has kept me off the food for a little while which is good. Thinking about food is just so distracting for me!

I'm not sure about how much I'll be eating tonight as J is planning on catching up with a friend later and it might or might not be dinner. If I budget for a big dinner then I should only have a tiny bowl of food for the rest of the day and I should wait because I'll only fade at 4 o'clock if I eat now. So I'm playing it safe and doing just that.

I was thinking this morning about bringing sesame snaps to work - one of those would be perfect right now! Oh well, I'll just wait instead.

Update: 1:15 pm

I had my plate of mung beans, rice and veggies and it cost me about 200 Cals. So given 200 for breakfast and the juice I had in my water I'm already up to 500! Why is food so fattening!??!?

Update: 3:00 pm

I'm really getting into my work at the moment, instead of letting it pile up on top of me and it feels really good! It's funny, the eating has been distracting me from work but work can just as easily distract me from the eating if I really get into it and try to get through it!

I've just stopped for a couple of minutes' break because I'm getting all buzzed and overwhelmed with my own success LOL! Time to slow down and take a nice cup of tea or glass of water then re-focus again for the next 2 hours.

I've re-filled my water jug including just a splash of juice, about 100 mL or 50 Cals. Just enough so that my brain doesn't drown.

Update: 4:40 pm

I've been very restricted today and I know it's not the healthiest thing to say but the truth is that I'm actually very proud of myself and I find myself thinking "Now I should fight the temptation to really indulge myself because I've 'earned' it." While it can't hurt to stop thinking of food as a "reward" I know I'm not going to get any happier by fighting it either.

Well, I'll just have to see what the night brings. I obviously don't want to degenerate into a binge, I don't see why I should indulge myself in "extras" - I'll just try my hardest to take it easy!

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Diary for 16 December

Well I haven't exercised properly in a while but I'm still feeling the last set of weights!

Today I'm wearing basic slimming black and guess what? I didn't weigh myself this morning!

I also haven't been on any pro-ana sites since the weekend, maybe even since Friday!

This morning's breakfast was about 300 Cals. I had a bowl of rice porridge poured over 5 prunes with a squeeze of lemon and a splash of tamari. Mmmmmmm I love that salty and sour combination of lemon and soy! It's also good if you mix in some tahini and use it as a sauce.

Before leaving the house I had my cup of matcha tea. Oooohh! Yummo! A bit strong though, I can understand why the tea ceremony starts with an entire meal.

At my desk... I've filled up my water jug with some juice and sparkling water again, this time it's a big serve of juice, maybe around 300 mL which is 135 Cals. I'm just guessing here, really. It's only 750 mL of water too, I'm halfway through it already!

I've got myself a special treat today, I bought a new organic green tea: it's Indian chai (yes, but unfermented, a brilliant innovation if ever there was one!) flavoured with aniseed, caraway, ginger, liquorice, cardamom, cinnamon, pepper and cloves. Where most herbal teas list a series of ailments longer than the space shuttle's pre-launch checklist, this one specifically says that it's not for treating any disease, it's just tea for drinking. Despite that disclaimer, anyone who knows their herbs will recognise that the flavourings are digestives, that Indian tea is generally designed to help digest a big meal and well, yeah I think it will help keep my intestines and bowel happy on those occasions where perhaps they're wondering why I'm neglecting them.

I'm a bit stressed today that maybe I'll overeat again. I'm craving every food under the sun! I'm craving Japanese salty pickled plums with plenty of every flavour.

I'm making mung beans tonight for dinner - I'm serving them with fresh coriander and I'll do the rice with lemon and a little chilli. I may need to get more rice and lemon, but I already bought the chilli and coriander.

I've got bread and fruit for lunch so that I can make a sandwich or just chop up some fruit, whichever I prefer.

Fingers crossed and thinking ... um, moderation and confidence!

Update 10:20 am

I feel like there's an empty fireplace inside me wanting to burn up all the food in the world!

I've had a warm cup of bouillon with some lemon squeezed in (mmmm yummy and only 10 Cals) and now I'm going to fill up my water bottle (another 90 Cals in juice of course) and maybe fetch some more green tea. That stuff is amazing!

Update: 1:00 pm

Here's a picture of my lunch!

Yeah, I eat off small plates. OK that's a slice of gluten free bread with a scraping of almond, hazelnut and cashew butter and liberally smeared with half a banana. Then there's some watermelon that I had to get me started.

I'm still so hungry! Anyway I'm keeping in good spirits today. I estimate the whole thing is about 400 Cals. Watermelon's not very fattening but gluten-free bread spread with nuts and bananas can be very fattening indeed!

I'm going to wash the whole thing down with a second cup of green chai. I wish I could post the aroma for you to smell!

Update: 2:40 pm

I've sated my rumbling tummy with another cup of bouillon and lemon and another 10 Cals I guess. That's it for food until dinner. I've had 945 Cals and that's a fair amount to get through before even looking at dinner!

Mmm.. I've just been invited to another pool party by this guy. Yeah, I could handle that kind of unwinding. Not sure about the jacuzzi but I'm in favour of the general concept. I'll see what my bf thinks of a little evening out.

Update 11:20 pm

Well the evening out went well. Instead of exercising we relaxed in the jacuzzi and took a refreshing dip in my friend's pool.

Returning home, I had about 2 serves of rice crackers (200 Cals) along with a few grapes and 3 almonds, about 1200 for the day.

The mung beans are cooked and look delicious! I'm also making almond milk for the morning.

Nothing more to report here today really, I'm just relaxing and looking forward to tomorrow working hard and getting things done.

Monday, December 15, 2008

Eat right for your type

We all know the body will respond differently when you start asking different things of it or treating it differently. How we compensate for our body's response to challenge will depend on the individual.

I'm looking at Ayurveda, the traditional Indian medicine. While it uses terms and parameters that are unfamiliar to those of us accustomed to modern scientific medicine, it is nevertheless based on thousands of years of wisdom and experimentation.

Like many of you I'm sure, my body type is Vata. This means my body is thin, I'm prone to dryness and often have wandering thoughts (also known as creative temperament). Maybe Vata is behind all the indie music stars with ED? In any case, I'm definitely a classic example!

Vata basically means dryness - it is composed of the elements air and aether and an imbalance in Vata can result in nervous tension, cramps, pain, anxiety, insomnia, bloating, constipation and dryness!

How is Vata imbalanced? Fasting and excessive exercise are to be avoided by Vata types! Variation in routine , drinking cold beverages or eating too many raw foods can also lead to an excess of Vata!

The good news is that all these effects are reversible by carefully balancing one's diet.

All the sites linked to above have solutions for me:
  • Eat plenty of fruit - dried or fresh
  • Drink warm beverages and eat warm cooked veggies rather than raw ones
  • Take nuts for protein (the oil helps) - mung beans are healthy too but generally beans and legumes are to be avoided.
  • Basmati rice is my friend!!
  • Drink warm milk (in my case rice or almond milk - not soy because it is a legume)
  • Take salty, sweet or sour flavours rather than bitter or astringent
  • Keep exercise gentle rather than rigorous
  • Keep a routine and get enough sleep!
Whether I'm restricting or just taking care to watch my health, I will be sure (delighted, actually!) to follow this advice.

Musings and diary

The main reason I'm doing this is because I am unhappy with my career, I see a lot less purpose in what I'm doing than in my dreams... I am a musician, I even have dreams of recording an album and plan to audition for the next Aussie Idol if they do it again this year (they're bound to do something).

Anyway, it's not really an end in itself, being thin. It's about creating a certain impression, a certain mystique, even in business. It's about being tall and glamorous and impressive...

Somehow being born with green eyes just wasn't enough.

Last night and this morning I got hungry. I ate like 800 Cals of rice pasta at dinner (oh, and then there's all the extra I ate and purged without any emotion just because I really wanted to fill up on something sweet) and at breakfast this morning about another 700 in dried fruit and leftovers actually.

Now I feel full. Now I feel OK. Now I have the will to diet again.

My goal weight is 58kg which is only 3kg lighter and a BMI of 18. Why? Because that's about the size your average model has to be. That's about the size that I'll look good in a music video, and that is my real, secret, hidden ambition. I'm almost too old now, but I've got talent and I've still got a few looks left, besides they have botox now.

Now that I'm nearly at that goal I should really focus more on maintaining and sculpting.

At my desk I've almost had 1.5L of water already! I bought some Perrier and mixed it with some Breakfast Juice (Aussie girls will know what I mean). I don't measure things out so precisely yet, but I think it's about 90 Cals.

Yesterday afternoon I also had a snack at afternoon tea time of a few bits of fruit and a couple of forkfulls of salad and wrote them down dutifully (my phone actually has a file saying one olive, etc) but anyway it doesn't matter, it was about 80 Cals and I weighed exactly the same this morning as I did yesterday morning.

Better get to work, the boss just arrived.

Update 10:47 am

I didn't mention this morning's cup of matcha tea - I don't generally record how much tea or black coffee I drink. I've also had a few nibbles of nuts and sultanas (about 50 Cals) and poured a second jug of water and juice (about 80 Cals)

Today I'm a bit fed up with being constipated from my digestive system being on a slow-down! This morning's prunes and tea and plenty of water seem to be helping to move things which is obviously a much more comfortable feeling but actually I'm feeling a bit overstimulated. Stupid body! Well, I can't stay mad at it, I've really given it hell the last few weeks. It's important to put a bit of food through it from time to time I guess.

Update 11:22 am

Ick! I can't stop snacking on nuts! It's always one thing or another with me! Add another 100 Cals to the daily count.

I've done some reading and discovered that there may be a scientific basis to my addiction to fruit and nuts and my current state of ill health since I've been cutting nuts right out of my diet - I'm actually better off sticking to them according to ayurveda, but more on that later. Now I'm having a nice warm water with a piece of lemon in it. Yummy!

Update 1:25 pm

I've had a fruit bar for lunch: 126 Cals.

I kind of have already reached a certain point now where I've probably eaten about enough until dinner and should hold off on mid-afternoon snacking. I'm also feeling much more comfortable in myself than I have for a very long time so maybe I won't feel the urge to overdo it much. I'm sure I'll eat at least 1500 Cals today, maybe even 2000, but I don't think that's too much for just this once! And I'm sitting on my ball and I'll go to the gym!

Now I'm just fretting about my performance review at work!

Update: The next day

Well when I let myself go I still completely binge. I ate so much fruit and nuts yesterday, I was quite uncomfortable by the time I went home! I also ate (and purged) 3 muesli bars. I was so tired by the end of the day, I went home, forgot about dinner and went straight to bed!

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Keeping it strong

Starting BMI: 18.6

Yesterday's post provoked some lovely replies.  Thanks for your encouragement and I'm sure I don't need to hold on so tight to the notion of never having seconds.  I worry very much about being a greedy pig and I don't like overdoing things.

I also worry about getting my body right! It's not yet there and last night I could have sworn it was so much bigger!

I don't really want to weigh this morning but here goes....

hmmm 61 kg. No change.  I guess that's not so worrying.

I'm getting for my breakfast a cup of matcha tea and sliced bread with marmite, probably about 150 Cals.  Then I'm going to do some good lower body training!

Update 8:00

I had my breakfast and did some reading about training but I just feel so tired; I don't want to do any training! Also I'm still hungry after my breakfast, I hope this doesn't become one of those greedy bingey Sundays! 

Being a little shy on fresh fruit at the end of the week, I get myself a couple of spoonfuls of leftovers and a small prune juice.  About another 150 Cals.

By this stage I feel full but I still feel hungry too!

I try peppermint chewing gum but its artificially flavour is too difficult to stand at this time of morning!

So I'm at a bit of a loose end.  I will start with some stretching and see if I can drag myself to the gym for some cardio.

Update 11:10 am

I did about 25 minutes of cardio and some abductors, adductors and bridges - I'll do plies and squats and lunges at some point.

I'm now having morning tea: a milkshake containing

1 cup of rice milk: 126 Cals
1 tsp carob: 6 Cals
1 tsp flax seeds: 15 Cals
2 tsp goji berries: 15 Cals

Total: 162 Cals

Maybe it sounds awful but it actually tastes very good.

Saturday, December 13, 2008

Happy Weekend!

Starting BMI: 18.6

My theme for this weekend is cleaning.

You may notice that my BMI is approximately stable.  Time to do some more toning so I can lose, gain or stay happy not wanting to! I haven't done any serious gym all week because I've been working so hard.  Well today it's got to be some upper body training (not lower, I need it but I'm walking all day) then a flurry of activity!

Today I feel a lot less dysmorphic than I have all week. My coffee didn't cause my leg to explode into cellulite and I look pretty thin.  I still don't want to gain but I'm less likely to panic about the concept.

I started with 3 prunes (60 Cals) for breakfast, now it's 7:57 and I just need a couple of glasses of water before the gym

Update: 4:30 pm

This is from my notebook.

I didn't go to the gym this morning because we lost time so I'll have to go soon.

First at 10:30 I indulged myself with some cappuccino from the chocolate shop. I was with friends so I really enjoyed it! about 160 cals, they put real grated chocolate on top!

I was slightly anxious while waiting for the coffee but I really enjoyed it and drank it quickly.

We went to the censorship rally at 12 o'clock then had a drink with some people we met there.  I had a herbal tea and felt happy to see old friends.

By lunch I was quite hungry! We went to a vegetarian cafe and I had daal.  J helped me finish it so only 250ish cals.  I took home a date and carob ball for dessert and it was far too decadent, I only had half! About 60 Cals I think.

I'm thinking of leftover rice for dinner and simply must insist on some exercise at some point! Not just yet, though...

Update 9:25 pm

The evening started so well, I did 25 minutes of cardio and some weights, but then the whole thing just degenerated into an enormous whale stuffing food into her face to expand her enormous body.

I had quinoa, tofu and rice with tahini and tamari.  I made a salad to go with it and probably ate 900 cals by the time I purged.  My bf says I'm being hard on myself but I'm just so ugly! He must think he can't do any better to want to stay with such an enormous whale!!!

Friday, December 12, 2008

Grey day

It's raining outside and I cried half the morning.
BMI: 18.6

I came to the office in my jeans that are too tight and ate around 100 cals of nuts and raisins while drinking my ginkgo tea.

I just want to raid the coffee pot but I don't have any fresh milk and I'm not sure I should have any while my legs are so big anyway.

I decided not to have any alcoholic drinks at today's events. I also don't think I'm having any dinner because it's a cocktail place and they do tapas, and there's nothing on their menu I eat. So I can probably have a bit extra at lunch - I'll probably have some bean curd rolls and some steamed broccoli. Actually I'll probably end up sharing a couple of dishes with the other vegetarian and sitting over my bowl talking and moving the food.

I'm definitely having the coffee though.

Update 10:42 am

I had the coffee and some candy bar - just a few nibbles and I threw the rest out. About 25 Cals. I am constantly being watched and judged and it's driving me to distraction!

Update 3:12 pm

I have no idea why my bf thinks I'm hinting him something. Anyway I was probably a bit quiet and tense at lunch compared to normal but I had half a bean curd roll (which I didn't realise would be fried! Ick!) and two bowls of rice and chilli veggies. We also ordered crispy bean curd but I didn't actually eat any. It looked like it was crumbed anyway. I was the only person who didn't have alcohol. Everyone else had wine or beer.

All up maybe my meal was 500 cals. Seemed pretty rich anyway. The thing about that kind of thing is that you can't just stop eating for a bit. I was taking tiny little nibbles of rice but it's hard to do that with big chunks of bok choy so you clear your bowl so quickly if you're not careful!

Back at the office I'm having another coffee (mmmm sooo good and I'm sooo tired but I think I'll chuck out half and swap to green tea) and getting back to the rest of the afternoon, what remains of it. I'm so glad lunch is over!

Update 3:58 pm

I should also mention that I had about a dozen sultanas for dessert. Just to get the flavour out of my mouth although what I really want is to brush my teeth!

More mint and green tea!!!

More water, too, I'm getting a bit dehydrated! I always forget to drink water and I've no idea why. I used to be obsessive about it because mum always said drink water and you'll feel full.

I'm thinking about tonight. The bar we're going to does tapas but their functions menu has fruit platters. I don't really need much more food today, I'm already feeling pretty queasy. Hope my bf understands!

Update 9:29 pm

At the party I was rather upset from talking to J about my ED. We didn't stay long, and I just had a mineral water.

When we got back I had half a pack of sultanas and a little more goji. About 120 Cals. Now I'm cooking a little rice and will make some tea.

Update 10:15 pm

I had some rice with soy, a little lime and tahini over an apple bringing  me up to 1100 for the day. I'm scared of binging even though I'm at a good point right now I'm hungry! So I allowed myself a teeeeeeeny bit more rice, like 50 Cals, and now I haven't finished it but I really do feel OK now!

A good day all up!

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Psychological assessment

Well some girls dread it but I was actually looking forward to it. I saw my GP to have a mental health plan written up and then a cognitive therapist for assessment so that she knows what to trat me for. Stressful!

But I handled the stress and didn't even drink coffee!

I go for my first proper therapy session on Thursday but I said I had to take something away with me. She said "do something positive for yourself every day" - so I'm dutifully heading out to have coffee with a friend soon!

She also instructed me to keep a food diary, particularly paying attention to my emotions when eating. I gave her this address. I felt like "Miss Organised" - I had all my papers in order, I'd done my homework. Only problem was that I have no self esteem, feel like a square peg in a round hole and oh yeah have this complete irrationality and delusion around food and my body.

All in all, I'm glad I went. I don't want to hate myself. I'm not even that skinny although I guess I do OK, I'm really just in a crisis of knowing what to do with myself. So I think she will really help.

Strong and determined: Diary for 11 December 2008

This morning started out a bit on the restricted side. I spent 30 minutes on the elliptical machine and then found it a bit difficult to eat but at least had half a muesli bar (60 cals) and I brought the other half with me to finish as I work, when my stomach settles down... I also did a few sit-ups and push-ups and had a big cup of matcha tea to ensure that any energy defecit would come from my unwanted fat rather than my much-valued muscle.

I have in the past wasted away to almost no muscle at all and while I've no desire to be all bulky like a body-builder, I do want to make sure that I have plenty of muscle and good strong tone, rather than some skin, some fat and very little strength underneath. I was extremely impressed that I managed the 30 minutes (with the machine set on total body work-out) because I've never achieved more than about 20 before!

Today's diary includes 2 medical appointments and a cocktail party in the evening. Should be a busy one!

Update: 11:36 am
I supplemented my breakfast this morning with some nuts and raisins of around 50 Cals.

I've already eaten my banana so that's about 90 Cals.

I've got my curriculum vitae and application letter ready to send. I've got to confirm at least one referee and then it's press go! Now I'm off to the GP for my mental health care plan.

I don't want to eat any more now. Actually thinking about it makes me go ick! I will try again later perhaps.

Update: 4:34 pm
After going to the GP and psychologist for complete assessment I am of course exhausted! I have had a Leda Triple Berry bar (125 cals) and a good handful of nuts and sultanas (another 125 cals) for my afternoon meal.

I gave the psych the address of this blog although I don't know what she will think of it. Probably that I should channel my writing more creatively. I'll have to give her the address of my "official" projects so she doesn't think I only write about food although they are far less developed than this blog!

Not sure about exercise after work, I've just emailed a friend about doing some low-key and generally relaxing activity in the form of a catch-up.

Update: 9:29pm
Dinner was lovely. We had a nice stroll around the city, I had a half glass of champagne, then for dinner a juice, some salad and I shared rice and greens with J.  Next time I'd skip the salad!

We've a teeny bit of chocolate for dessert but I'm only taking a taste.

Sleep deprived but satisfied

Satisfied that I have done everything I can to get the secretary job I most wanted in the world EVER, I do not mind the last few nights without sleep.  In fact, I feel energised and strong because of the deliberate effort toward a goal - and having achieved everything I need for the dreaded phone call and having my official application letter and CV in order, I'm feeling a great sense of having achieved that goal! 

In fact, reading that back I realise what a more noble goal that is than restricting.

I'm still full of beans and want to do some exercise but I really need to get to bed, I'll fall asleep instantly I'm sure.

Good night!

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Diet diary for 10 December

Despite being stressed and tired I ended up eating about the same sort of quantity that I was doing last week.

About 430 cals during the day at work (as healthy energy snacks)
And about 600-700 cals for dinner (as a rice paper roll, some tofu and some soup)

I'd like to do some exercise to build strength but I'm stuck here in front of the computer working on my resume and application letter.  Speaking of which, I think it's back to work for me!

I did sit on my ball all day and got out for a little bit of walking but it was generally not an active day.

Dealing with stress

This morning's entry was driven by stress - I find it hard to feel I'm on top of things around me, so I responded by cutting out food.

J has since caught up with me for a chat and some lunch. I bought some trail mix and some sesame snaps and had about 300 high-quality calories. Both had chocolate in so I was a bit naughty, but only in a good way!

I'm so exhausted this afternoon, there's not much keeping me off coffee. I reasoned that a few cups of green tea is as good as one cup of coffee and has plenty of vitamins and other nutrients so I'm planning ot power through the green tea instead. Bodhidharma would approve - rumour has it that the first tea trees grew from his own eyelids when he cut them off to stop himself from falling asleep. Thus determining once and for all that zen monks should drink tea to keep themselves awake.

I may continue to pick at the trail mix. It's 377 cals in total (plus the 30 I already had as a sesame snap).

I talked to my counsellor at the clinic and although they have me on their waiting list, she said to make an appointment post haste! So I've got to make an appointment for the counsellor and the GP by the end of the day.

Update: I've made appointments with a GP and a psychologist for tomorrow.  I've finally told my boss what's going on and she understands why I need to take some time off and that I fully intend to make it up.

Think positive, start anew!

I realised after looking at HC's blog that I'll never get very far while I'm filled with negativity!

So I did some reading and found the following quote from my favourite philosopher:
In the beautiful, man sets himself up as the standard of perfection; in select cases he worships himself in it. . . . Man believes that the world itself is filled with beauty - he forgets that it is he who has created it. He alone has bestowed beauty upon the world - alas! only a very human, an all too human, beauty.
-Friedrich Nietzsche
I love the way Nietzsche really tears our assumptions to shreds. Asceticism is a powerful thing but to do it for beauty is to buy into illusion. It's probably worse than sitting and gorging ourselves because it provides a solution without addressing the problem - the question one should be asking is "what do I really want?"

Well I want power! I want to be strong and in control!

To do this I have to be able to control my body and go without if necessary. Some of the other ana girls have been doing this consistently for months and years, while I've been indulging myself and growing lazy for the last few years and only been ana again for the last month.

I'm now fasting, not because I think I should regularly do so, but because I want to prove to myself that I can and achieve the strength of character that comes with that knowledge. It takes more than just food to beat me!

Exhausted and losing strength

Yesterday was a mia day. I didn't finish my diary because I was up writing the perfect job application for the "perfect job" and I guess I got distracted.

Because I was so passionate about this job I wanted to have enough nutrition to think clearly so as I was already exhausted anyway I basically stuffed myself. Yesterday was a mia day.

Today I will compensate somewhat for yesterday's excesses and build strength in my self. I've got a jug of lemon water and some green tea and that's all I need. I'm covered in make-up and I haven't weighed myself because I frankly don't want to know.

Today I don't want to be "better" - I want to be stronger than this weak body!

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Sooooo tense

I think one of the worst things about ana is being stuck in one place while feeling really tense and stressed. I have to get out of the office and go HOME but I don't want to look like an early quitter!

I'm just sitting here on my ball, bouncing around the room and chewing gum, not focusing at ALL but stuck here nonetheless!

This is the main reason I want to be self-sufficient one day - so that I can manage my own time - oh what bliss it will be!!!

I've already got so stressed today that I binged and purged, now I really really want to go home to the gym! I think I'm just going to say I've got an appointment with J and go. It's mostly true anyway, we're supposed to go to the gym together and we even have a party invitation for later if we feel like it.

Of course I also have to pull together my resume, do some of my own writing and maybe have a look at the office website.

I HATE being stuck in one place, it drives me crazy!

Hell, it's not like I had a proper lunch break, just a big binge at my desk!

I want to binge all over again for dinner too! Mostly because I don't know what else to do. Damn I'm so unimaginative! Not to mention disgusting!

Applying for a new job

I am starting to realise that part of the stress that has brought on this relapse has been related to my lack of job satisfaction. In fact, everyone is sick of hearing me complain about it!

The fact is, as a mathematically minded person, I just love to sink my teeth into problems, sort them out and move on! This job doesn't call for that at all- it needs someone who feels most comfortable in a static environment.

I've found a job that I think I will absolutely LOVE - I'm so excited I'm ready to run around the office screaming with joy! But obviously that would be a little unprofessional - I'll be calling a resume workshop with my most slick resume spinners instead.

Applications are due Thursday. Wish me luck!!!

Diary for 9 December

I think I'm too tired to really exercise today, even to sit on the fit ball, so this may be a diet diary only. I didn't really sleep much last night (up cleaning etc) so I'll be drinking green tea by the gallon. No coffee - if it's going to give me cellulite then I don't want it!

I'm having some breakfast before I leave the house to start work early. Green tea, a grapefruit, a banana. Couple pieces of apple. Maybe 180. I'm going to take those date and coconut rolls to work today and of course some of the tabbouleh I made last night (looks really good and I know it has very little fat in it).

There's a party tonight that I probably won't get to. It's a pool/jacuzzi party and I'm sure will be fun but there's work tomorrow and I really don't want to be going around in a swimsuit, even though it's not going to be the "trendy" crowd who are all smaller than me.

Bulimia: I still haz it
I am very hungry today because I am tired - my defences are down and I'm eating.

I had a packet of sultanas for morning tea. One pack is 114 Cals

For lunch I binged. I brought tabbouleh and I guess it must have been about 500 Cals, I'm not sure. I have no idea how much I binged at lunch. I purged up the rice crackers I ate afterwards but I couldn't get all of it out.

Oh well, it's vitamins I guess.

I suck. Guess I should just try to get through the rest of the day somehow. I wish I had more energy, more focus, more drive. Food doesn't give me that!

I would have been OK if there weren't so many people in here and I could have gone on Prettythin for support. Well, I have to be able to stick to my diet when people are around, I can't just be on the web all the time! I have an actual job to do, yeah?


Because I've been dying my hair red so long, the change of colour will necessitate a certain amount of compromise where length is concerned.  I like to wear rockin' bobs so I've chopped one out! Lots of layers and don't hold back on the choppiness is my motto. 

It's still reasonably long but with the layers you can just shake it around every which way.

It's already revitalised the red and should look absolutely awesome with some blonde in.  The professional advice has been to start with some highlights and move forward from there - if I do it will be super dooper blonde highlights and then straight into it with the toner to get the red out!

Yes I cut my own hair.  Some people see it as a sign of madness but actually most people don't believe I do it myself so I'm going to interpret that as a sign of talent instead! 

I had a coffee this evening and of course the laksa with noodles - anyway I went off my detox and my cellulite doubled in size just as it was just about gone.  Coincidence? It's not the first time this has happened so NO!

Monday, December 8, 2008

Hyperactive / Insomnia

Hmm... After being so exhausted earlier I would expect to come home and fall asleep but instead I'm so full of energy! There are so many things I want to do here - I think the exhaustion and distraction at work are really just my way of acknowledging that maybe I'm not feeling that fulfilled by doing a lot of nothing all day!

I'm going to have a coffee, stay up a bit and get some things done.  I know it will make me feel much better and is a great way to get a few things knocked out of the way.

I've already made a huge tabbouleh for tomorrow's lunch, some salad for dinner (there's leftover noodles for J) a fruit salad for J's breakfast (I'm helping him lose weight naturally) and now I'm back onto the washing.  Next I'll have a go at some work I brought home.

Yeah my back's still a bit sore, my feet are a bit tired - but actually I'm tremendously full of beans.  I also have a lot of writing I really want to get onto!

Grey Ana: A middle path

As a believer in Buddhism I am extremely concerned by some of the extremism that goes into the websites dedicated to ED.

Of course as perfectionist with obsessive-compulsive tendencies, extremism is what we do best. We are either pro-ana or anti-pro-ana or pro-recovery or something.

Buddha saw this as a prince, where he first lived in opulence and then upon discovering the world outside the palace walls, went into the world and studied asceticism, eating nothing for an improbable number of days, holding painful meditation poses and so on.

He eventually settled on the Middle Path. His method is rooted in simple principles: be good to others, be good to your own body, be honest in all your dealings with others and true to yourself.

After dabbling in pro-anorexia and having spent some time looking at pro-recovery I think both urges are part of who I am. But most importantly the extremism of either side is not going to make me a better person. I know that the treatment of anorexia is actually dedicated to finding a happy healthy middle between strict control and losing all control as we fear... but I do believe that the people who demonise anorexia as if it really were a devil that could be driven from young girls' bodies are on the wrong path.

The middle path of the meditator would seem to be the path that accepts the illness and acknowledges the thoughts that come with it, but apply the lens of wisdom to those irrational thoughts and feelings. Instead of "I must eat this to recover" or "I must not eat this or I will get fat and FAIL" the meditator would instead consider the calorie count of the item in question, consider whether it has been a high-calorie day and most importantly consider one's level of hunger in order to decide what the wise course of action would be.

Accepting and embracing the illness is essential to recovery from a meditator's point of view but most importantly if research indicating a biological etiology is correct then anorexia nervosa is not a disease to be attached to a set of symptoms: it simply is a part of who I am, and by rejecting it I am rejecting myself. Yes, that part of me can lead me astray and just like my impulsive sense of humour needs to be kept in check in some social situations, so my weight and attitude to food needs to be monitored to ensure I am living a healthy lifestyle.

So I hereby declare the Grey Ana movement open!

I have set up a chat room for those of you who would really like to explore this concept and I will be exploring my philosophical and scientific beliefs on personality more within this space.

Stay strong, sisters! Embrace yourselves and love your minds and bodies!