Yesterday's diary entry ends very badly. I drank 3 litres of water at my desk which was great but I may have gone home too hungry. I don't know why it happened exactly but one bowl of rice became two and then three and four, then I moved on to a banana and had some mixed nuts and seeds before finally withdrawing to the bathroom to purge.
By the end of the night I was extremely horrified with myself and disgusted with all my pale white flab. I still am.
This morning's breakfast was a smallish red tip eco-banana. I wasn't very hungry and was really too disgusted to stomach it but I had to eat something with my vitamin B12. According to this helpful website (I strongly recommend joining up!) that's about 105 cals.
Now I feel again that I could continue eating until I'm stuffed but I'm really too traumatised to eat. Purging doesn't really keep the weight off and I can't just binge and expect to keep slim! The only way around it is to eat a small amount and then stop. I'm stubborn so that is what I'm going to do this morning.
Knowing me... well I'll probably want to binge again at dinner time but I'll just hold on tight to my boyfriend and say "look I ate enough please hold me until I settle down and regain control of myself again." I think I can keep myself distracted at the office. I hope.
Morning tea: 9:30am
Mood before meal: Refluxy I guess. I felt acidy so I thought I better eat somthing else
1x Organic Mountain dried banana: 84 cals
Mood after meal: Still a bit acidy but I'll be OK. I've had my first litre of water and will keep drinking until my stomach settles down.
Mood before meal: Still a bit acidy in the stomach (more nauseous than anything else) so I started with 1x sugarfree mint at 9 cals.
1x average slice of quinoa bread with thickly spread Sanitarium marmite: 165 cals
Mood after meal: Much better really! My stomach is not hurting any more and I was thinking about having some fruit but I don't think I could stand it!
I had one medjool date at 50 cals and now I want to purge!
Mmmmmm nom nom nom nom nom - just a splash of rice milk maybe 30 cals.
Afternoon tea: 3pm to 3:30pm
I had 1 sugarfree mint to get rid of the coffee taste: 9cals
a package of Spiral senbei (the plain one): 241 cals
So at the mid-afternoon point I've had 693 cals giving me a reserve of 300-600 for dinner. We're talking about having some pasta with tomato sauce but I'm also thinking about cooking some red lentils or yellow split peas with basmati. Some protein for my workout. I think it's OK to have 3 cups of cooked basmati, that's apparently equivalent to 1 cup uncooked. And that's a LOT of rice! Very filling!
That last meal was a pretty big one - all that rice has me rather full! I feel very full and only a tiny bit icky so I guess that was the right amount of food.
Tonight I tried an experiment. I ate something filling for dinner and tried to stop when I reached the "right time"
I assured myself the calories would be OK and that I needed some protein for training.
I had about 3 cups of cooked rice and 1 of red lentils with some negligible spices for flavouring.
I ate 846 Cals for dinner and kept it down. My consolation I suppose is that I burnt 160 on the treadmill so that's 686 and I could be said to have ended up 80 over my revised target. Let's hope that 80 goes to build muscle instead of contributing to my fat!
My sweetheart caught me before I really got a chance to binge like I might have otherwise so I am eternally grateful for his love.
And all this progress the night my period came!