Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Puritans are cranky about alcohol

So I'm not entirely sure what the problem is but there's been an enormous tax hike on pre-mix drinks - as if drinks weren't expensive enough as it is in Australia! It's often over $100 for a bottle of champagne so you only end up ordering something you can afford and getting trashed instead of sozzled. I at least try to stick to good quality vodka but sometimes you feel like wine and you really pay for it with either your cash or your health!!!

Anyway I digress.

Smirnoff are a bunch of smart-asses so they just made a citrusy flavoured pre-mix out of purified beer and didn't call it vodka even though their brand name basically implies that it is.

Now the puritans are in a flap about how dare they exploit a loophole in the definition of fun to get everyone drunk at a reasonable price again. Teenagers won't know it's alcoholic and will binge drink!! Won't SOMEBODY think of the children!

Honestly this puritan vs hedonism attitude is most of the reason I ended up with ED. Maybe we should all just learn to enjoy ourselves a little bit instead of holding ourselves to unrealistic standards and then going out binge drinking because it's impossible to be healthy!

And maybe I should just eat what I want when I'm comfortable rather than caring what anyone else thinks of me.

I don't want to go out for dinner with friends

I've eaten enough for today. Too much even! And I've got work to do.

I like the person whose birthday it is but I don't really want to have pizza. Besides the only food they serve is salad so it's not as if I'd be joining in anyway. I'd just be feeling guilty about not working.

So I'd stuff myself to try and cover my discomfort.

I think I'd rather just stay home and go to the gym for a bit and then work or maybe try and catch up with my music teacher. I think I'd like that much better.

19 January diary

07:00 2pcs marinated tofu (satay) I was trying to eat a good breakfast (plenty of protein) so that I wouldn't get hungry. I didn't want to get hungry!!! What if I accidentally have a greedy attack? What if I have so many greedy moments that I start to get fat and everyone can see???
1/2 serve miso
1/2 serve tea
few tbs dried blueberries and a couple nuts
12:00 Muesli bar Low cal. About 136. That's all I could think - and how glad that I wasn't super hungry!
Office snacks Tea With mint. It's healthier than coffee and all I need in the mornings
Water with lemon & ginger I try to drink a whole jug
Sugarfree mints and chewing gum It's supposed to be stimulant and appetite suppressant although it depends on what's causing the appetite
14:00 Black coffee In a meeting - and it made me energetic! I want so much more now!!! Cocaine, speed, I don't care, I just want to buzzzzzzz!!
15:00 "Binge" motivation (not extreme quantities but extreme thoughts) During this period I felt almost a sense of panic. I could tell that my eating was controlling me but I was unable to fight.
I bought a lot more food than I have nominated here (it's in my drawer) and I was like a prisoner who is starved all week but has a weekly hour in a room with a buffet - which can't be taken back to the cell. It was as if my body thought it was now or never!
I do feel like I am a prisoner of my feelings.
1 pkt black sesame rice crackers (250 cals)
1 pkt mung bean chips (200 cals)
Some nibbles of a trail mix including gourmet ingredients like chocolate buttons and cranberry raisins
16:00 Organic coffee with a splash of malt-free soy Because I hate waiting for the afternoon to finish so I can go home! I just want to power through that last bit!
Some fruit and nuts Because I just can't stop myself! Yuck!!! How do I focus on the things I'm doing????
18:00 1 cold roll Because I already had enough, but needed to get J fed and quiet.
Nibbles from laksa
20:00 A shot of vodka in mineral water Just something to make the process of responding to selection criteria a bit enjoyable and relaxing.
Some fruit and nuts

"Health and safety" requirements to address big enough chairs for fatties

You can tell I didn't make this up because it's just so unbelievably pathetic.

The OH&S drones who insist on accommodating the least deserving are now turning their attention to the width of chairs in offices.

They obviously don't actually care about the health and safety of the workers in question otherwise why encourage them to be fat lazy slugs with butts that don't fit on people chairs? Why not just use the Japanese method of morning PT?

Well, I've had enough of this. I'm going to pump up my Swiss ball so I can get a decent core workout instead of slumping into my chair. Did you know that office chairs are required to have backs for lounging in? Using a Swiss ball full-time is a violation of OH&S because you might actually get some exercise and there's an according risk of injury. The company is now selling frames to put your ball in so you can mimic exercise without actually risking any real challenge to your body.

Luckily my boss knows if I accidentally get some exercise I won't sue - I'll just suck it up and take a rest day on my lounge chair if necessary.

Monday, January 19, 2009

Weekend: Stressful and difficult

In Thursday's session A asked me a lot of questions about binging and the thoughts, feelings and emotions I experience when it comes to food and body.

This has actually inhibited me from blogging until now because the simple fact is that I don't know what those are.

One important thing about binges that she told me is they are much more likely if the body is starving from failure to have proper breakfast. So I've been focusing on that and it has helped.

Also when I'm dieting, because I have so many rules about what I'll eat, when and how much, eating a single celery stick out of expectations (typically something like "I've eaten too much now I won't have anything until J is ready for dinner") then it's like when an alcoholic has just one drink and it's very hard to stop!!!

So that's why I have to explore that feeling and stabilise the eating I do. So I'm not like some horrible food junkie all the time, up down, starving, vomiting and so on.

Dear ED. Get out and leave me in peace!!! From W

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Setting priorities

...because basically every decision about what action to take expresses a priority. A very disturbed person I used to know would often remark that he could have whatever he wanted because he knew his priorities were messed up. On some level though, and allowing for statistical and even Heizenberg uncertainty, each of us typically gets what we want because each of us makes thousands of decisions each day selecting from our available options according to our priorities. Sometimes these decisions don't work out but overwhelmingly, situations and people can be influenced toward a particular outcome.

So when making a decision it's important to be aware of your priorities and the likely outcomes of your actions.

My final thought for you is this: If you're not directing your future towards a positive outcome, who is? Because chances are that you'll start living the life that it benefits those people for you to live.

Choose success!

Diary for 14 December: Just plain tired

7:15 am | 59 kg | BMI 18.0

Today I got up in time to walk to work and be reasonably early!

For breakfast I had a grapefruit, a similar quantity of pineapple and about half as much watermelon. Plus a walnut.

Today I just want to drink coffee. That means a stop by the supermarket to get some fresh milk I think. But coffee is unhealthy blah blah blah. I don't know, I'll figure it out on the way.

9:20 am

Oh my goodness! I'm facing such a big binge urge today! I'm on my third coffee (the first was espresso, the second 2 are with malt-free soy milk at less than 50 cals per 100mL)

11:51 am

So tired!!! I had a ginkgo in the last meeting as I've had enough coffee. After that last coffee I also had 2 mints.

I'm feeling really bad about food today. I feel like I'm just going to have a blow-out day and lose control.